10 reasons I hate my new Birddogs pants and why you should NEVER buy them. Hee hee. By Ed Mountaineer.

Imagine these are Birddogs.

​When I first started seeing the ads for Birddogs pants, I was like, no way are these pants that great. But I really respected that they had mentally challenged actors in all their ads so I thought I’d give them a try. When the pants arrived, I was a little skeptical they would live up to all the hype, but I put them on anyway. 
 
They slipped on as if I wasn’t even trying to wear them and I’ve had them on ever since. Instead of telling you why I like them, I thought I’d do the whole reverse thing where I tell you how much I hate them so you’ll be like, “What? He’s saying a bunch of good things about these pants. He doesn’t hate them at all. This is all just a fucking joke or something.” 
 
Anyway, here’s why I HATE my new Birddogs and why you shouldn’t buy them if you HATE the stuff I’m going to list below. 
 
 
Why I HATE my new Birddogs pants:

1. They fit too well! If you hate pants that fit you perfectly, you’re going to HATE these.  

2. They make me look too good to women. I mean, I HATE that! Usually, women are nice to me because they think I live in a group home and sex is like a charity thing. Now I have to take them to dinner like I have a job.   

3. They make my dick look bigger! I HATE that. People on the bus are all like, “Dude, you have a full-on raging boner.” And I’m like, “Nope, that’s just my new Birddogs pants.” Then I sit down next to them.   

4. My new Birddogs pants tell me to do things that are super risky, where I get hurt sometimes. Like they’ll tell me to run into that intersection or try to strangle that dog over there.  

5. They get me compliments! I’m SHY. I don’t like it when random people approach me and say, “Wow those pants look AWESOME on you.” And then they ask me what they look like when I take them off and put them on the floor of their apartment that’s just around the corner where they make the BEST margarita ever and I’ve gotta try it.  

6. My Birddogs get me out of traffic tickets! I’m the kind of person if where I do something wrong, I want to pay the price—not use my magic pants to escape people who try to give me tickets for threatening prostitutes. If I messed up, I messed up.  

7. When I put my new pants on, I feel like they’re alive and don’t want to come off me—ever. That’s a really fucked up feeling. I’ve been wearing these pants for seven weeks.  

8. If you love going to the dry cleaner, you’ll HATE these pants, because you can just throw them in your washing machine at home—if the demon who possesses the pants ever lets you take them off, which he won’t, because that’s his thing.   

9. I don’t like it when hot older women approach me and ask for my phone number. Mostly because ever since I started wearing these pants, these ladies appear to come through a portal and they’re from different time periods—like where they don’t speak our language and they want me to come back with them because I’m pretty sure it’s a human sacrifice thing and I made up the part about them wanting my phone number because they clearly have no idea what a phone is.  

10. I feel like the pants aren’t really pants. And then I look down and notice I’m in the park and I’m not wearing them. At first I’m like why does the crotch area of these pants look like my nutsack, and then I’m like, wait, that is my nutsack.

   
 
Ed Mountaineer likes Taco Bell and funnel cakes. His love/hate relationship with Birddogs pants has led to a number of office “incidents” that have put him on remote status. If you would like to reach Ed, please contact him at [email protected]

No pants, but some shitty shirts.