Worst résumé ever? We post Ed Mountaineer’s.

Recently, Ed Mountaineer mentioned he’s looking for work. We found his résumé and are posting it below. If you would like to hire him, please contact him at [email protected].

EDWARD
MOUNTAINEER
[email protected]


​Skills Summary
Expert funnel cake fucker.


Education
PHD/year of the rat (Chinese Calendar)
School of Life/majored in Funnel Cake erotica and Business Management.


Experience

Carnie Eats
Manager/2010-2010
Was supposed to manage a food stand at a traveling carnival. Ending up having sex with the funnel cakes instead.

St. Louis Funnel Cake Factory
Worker/2009-2009
Was supposed to help make funnel cakes. I did. But instead of packaging them for sale, I fucked them.

Bartholemew’s Bakery
Patron/1999-present
I lurk in the alley behind the bakery and wait to see if they throw out any funnel cakes. If they do, well, you can guess what happens next.

Central Intelligence Agency
Agent/Dates classified
Covert agent assigned to locating funnel cakes. Then having sex with them. 
 

Awards and Acknowledgements

Funnel cake lover award/lifetime achievement
Awarded to a person who devotes his entire life to loving funnel cakes.

Funnel cake adult movie award/runner up
My self-made film, Funnel of Love, won second place in the first annual film festival entirely made up in someone’s mind.

References
Available if you give me a funnel cake. Please contact me for a drop point and instructions.