Ed Mountaineer made some degrading videos in the 80’s. Now a company called Legacy Box says it can digitize them. He has some questions.
There are times in your life when you’re just watching t.v. and something happens that changes the way you look at life. That happened to me this morning when I saw a commercial for Legacy Box, a company that takes old videos and makes them new and not crappy and you can store them in your computer and put them on the internet instead of them being video tapes in your closet.
Adam and Nick are the owners of the company (I guess?) and this is what they say in the ad:
“Hi, I’m Nick.”
“And I’m Adam.”
“If you’re like us you have a box of old video tapes and photos just stacked in your closet.”
“Worse, they’re degrading.”
“The Legacy Box team saves these memories by professionally digitizing them on DVD, thumb drive, or the cloud.”
Woah, I thought. These guys have been in my closet. And maybe they were there in 1989 when I did that sex video with that huge fucking camera that held a full VHS tape and hurt the fuck out of your shoulder. Whatever the case, these guys are cool—meaning they understand all about sex tapes from the 80’s and don’t judge or anything. In fact, not only do they not judge, they’re willing to do what it takes to revive those old videos so you can upload them to the internet in real time tonight.
I assume they want a cut of the profits? Even though I don’t understand how you profit from uploading self-made porn from thirty years ago. I’m assuming there’s a ton of money in it somehow, otherwise Adam and Nick wouldn’t be so eager to get this done. No matter, because I may just find that old camera and do brand new self-made porn, probably with just myself since I have trouble finding people to do that stuff with, even if I pay them. Maybe Nick and Adam can help me out there! Ha ha.
News flash! Just found my own version of “Faces of Death” that I filmed in 1985. Nobody dies, but I do put stuff in my butt. Guess I’m going to have to include that tape to send to my new bros, Nick and Adam.
Woah, just discovered another gem. My nuts. On camera for like three hours. So weird. Why did I film my ball sack that long? Maybe I fell asleep with the camera on? Nick and Adam, you figure it out!
A couple of these tapes have jizz or something all over them. I’m going to send those in with a note that says, “Nick and Adam. Can you guys fix this tape? It’s covered in seaman and lube.”
I need to go now. There are a lot of old videos to look through that are going to become my “legacy,” right Nick and Adam? Thanks bros and I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.