In All-State insurance’s long running ad series, actor Dean Winters plays the personification of everything that could possibly go wrong in your life and why you should be insured just in case. The Intergalactic Business Report has always been a fan of these spots because we feel they warn us of a grim reality many of us are not willing to accept—namely that your smart house may go haywire and turn on your sprinkler system or that a college mascot might annihilate your automobile. After seeing the ad where “mahem” is a parking garage gate that’s “out of whack” and destroys your car, we thought of some other things you should insure against.
1. A clan of vermin learn to type and crawl into your home office, sending explicit texts and emails to your former Kindergarten students—and you just stopped teaching Kindergarten last year. “If you don’t bundle your home, life, and auto, you may be on the registered sex offender list.”
2. A voodoo priest decides to live in your basement. You don’t even know it because he has a spell where you’re down there watching t.v. and so is he but you don’t see him and just feel coldness like you’ve never felt before. But if you pay for All-State, they can cast a counter spell that reveals he’s living there and then at least it’s out in the open and maybe he’ll just leave on his own when he sees it’s not fun anymore?
3. Caveman bones surface in your backyard, and they reanimate to form living Neanderthals, who fuck up your lawn. You'll probably want to move after this and it’ll be super hard to sell your property after neighbors film the scene and post it all over the internet and your house becomes the focal point for a conspiracy theory about how radioactive waste buried in your yard brought ancient people back to life, but the insurance will cover the resodding. At least the first time it happens. After that, All-State raises your rates and you just let the cavemen trash everything while your neighbors film it and you’re like, Fuck it, maybe this radioactive waste will kill me and then reanimate me a thousand years from now too and me and the cavemen will just laugh about this.
4. Your butthole starts vacuuming up all your possessions. (The butthole is played by Dean Winters).
5. A pirate from another dimension where the pirates won, shows up in your garage and starts fucking things up. Now all those boxes of old porn are being picked up by the wind and landing in people’s lawns. Some people thank you. Some people start calling you the old perv on Cranberry Hill. They even write a song about it and it reaches number 17 on the Billboard Hot 100 (adult contemporary).
6. Your neighbor throws pumpkins at your house because he’s aiming at the vermin creeping up to your windows. This is terrible for your siding but All-State covers it and also pays to have the vermin removed from your house, but not before you’re listed as a sex offender (see above) and can never sell your house because it’s the one where the sex offender lives, and all the vermin were.
7. Your grandmother freaks out in your living room because a voice tells her if she destroys your house, the demons won’t ask her to kill again. “So get All-State and be better protected from Mayhem, like your grandmother losing her shit in your living room.” Note: Dean Winters has to work hard in this one to distinguish his grandmother from Norman Bates’ mom because there would be some kind of copyright infringement or something.
Oh, that's what they're really saying.