FOURTH OF JANUARY:
If you could think of a day of the year more fucking meaningless than the fourth of January it would be a challenge. Christmas is over. The weather sucks. You suck because of it. Depression is setting in and now you’re giving up on the diet you promised yourself you’d do because cheesecake is more appealing than making the slightest effort to better yourself.
FOURTH OF FEBRUARY:
The fourth of January was bad. It proved that despite your average efforts at self-improvement, you will never move forward in any way that could be considered even mildly positive. If you’ve made it to February 4th, you can say to yourself: “Hey, I’m a human being who’s alive but not one that matters at all. I’m going to look for a video game where I play someone who doesn’t suck and make a ton of in game purchases that leave me empty.”
FOURTH OF MARCH:
March. And not even the end of March. Now you’re thinking that winter may be over but it’s not even close and the only thing that can make you feel O.K. about yourself is that cheesecake and since you bought an entire cheesecake and not just a slice, it’s time to eat an entire cheesecake whose final bite brings you closer to understanding the universe’s plan for you—to be a fat fucker who eats cheesecake.
FOURTH OF APRIL:
April showers bring May flowers! Also they seem to make you fatter and more drunk. Three days after being ridiculed with April Fool’s jokes, the rain droplets may as well be your tears flowing over a decrepit house (you) as you realize that you are living in a simulation where your alien controller checked out seven years ago to start a new character.
FOURTH OF MAY:
Oh, look, the weather looks better. Nah. Fuck you. Here comes a tornado and you are confined to your basement while you hear a jacked-up weather forecaster try to earn a daytime Emmy for screaming at you to take shelter while you wonder if you left any cheesecake in the fridge upstairs.
FOURTH OF JUNE:
Summer time! Now you can show off your awesome body that you worked on all year by eating fucking cheesecake and drinking beer. Your swimsuit is so tight you wonder if it’s the one you wore in junior high. Nope. It’s the one you got last summer because you were too fat to fit into the one from the year before that you had to get because you were too fat for that. Want to go to the beach? Nope? Just start eating cheesecake. That’s all you’re good at anyway.
FOURTH OF JULY:
Oh hell yeah! Time to fucking drink beers and let off fireworks. Fat body? Who gives a shit? Give me another beer, motherfucker! This is the one day of the year where nothing fucking matters! I said give me another beer, motherfucker! Did you not fucking hear me? Give me your beer then! I’m drunk, daddy! Yeah, I called you daddy, motherfucker! Do you want some, motherfucker? Check out my bathing suit! It’s fucking ripping in the ass crack! Yeah, I’ll smoke some crack! Is that what you asked?
FOURTH OF AUGUST:
Man, the 4th of July rocked. This shit sucks. You have nothing to say. So shut up.
FOURTH OF SEPTEMBER:
Fall…. Yeah. Football and leaves changing. This fucking sucks.
FOURTH OF OCTOBER:
Do you remember the 4th of July when you were fucking partying and drinking and it was awesome? Now it’s the 4th of October. What does that even fucking mean?
FOURTH OF NOVEMBER:
Hey, the weather’s getting cold and that cheesecake of the month club you got for Christmas last year is on its last month. Maybe someone will get if for you again this Christmas. What’s the date today? Oh, the 4th of November.
FOURTH OF DECEMBER:
Excuse me, fat ass… What’s the date today? Did you say the fourth of December? That sucks. Do you have any cheesecake? No? Why not?
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