 If you’re a space creature, your name needs to demand respect and fear. That way, when people hear that “Krulldar” is invading their planet, they’ll be like, “Oh shit. Not Krulldar.” But if you go with a terrible name, your invasion may fail. The Intergalactic Business Report has compiled the very best and worst space creature names in the universe. Don’t start your invasion without reading these first. BEST: Krulldar, Imperial Emperor of the Topaxian Galaxy. WORST: Bonar, Assistant Director of Marketing for the Tampaxian Galaxy. BEST: Novalux, the Solar System Destroyer. WORST: Bagels and Lox, comedy duo available for both bat and bar mitzvahs. (They DJ too.) BEST: Stendarian 24, Protector of Galaxy System X49B. WORST: Phil Ratuliak. BEST: Gorgantuan. WORST: Lil’ Abe. BEST: Shadow Monster. WORST: Sticky Pantz. BEST: Master Starbringer, Commander of the 46th Galactic Fleet. WORST: Mister Treebanger, finder of 46 holes in trees across Jasper County, Missouri.  This week, the Intergalactic Business Report goes deeper than ever, as we deliver you our rating for the best and worst human beings. Did you make the list? BEST: Sandy from work, who always seems to know if something’s wrong and makes you little cards to cheer you up. WORST: Derek, also from work, but who doesn’t work there and just sneaks in at night to take a dump in your filing cabinet. BEST: John Wendelson, who teaches Kindergarten to special needs students even though his mathematical brain could make him millions in the business world. WORST: Brenda Beaverson, who has a Kindergarten education and has a special need to have random sex with business men at rates that defy mathematics. BEST: Your grandmother, who still bakes you cookies and gets you the most thoughtful birthday gifts. WORST: Your stoner roommate, who gets baked on your birthday and isn’t thoughtful because she doesn’t have thoughts anymore. BEST: Steve your mailman, who always has a smile and a kind word. WORST: Brandon your estranged neighbor, who steals your mail and sends it to drug lords in the Philippines with your return address. BEST: Cindy the nun who’s taken a vow of chastity in order to serve the lord. WORST: Mindy, your ex-girlfriend, who’s taken a vow of nastity because she’s bored. BEST: Jeff, from the bookstore, who always has a recommended read for you. WORST: Gamersauce69 from Xbox live, who keeps sending you messages recommending you kill yourself because you lost to him in a video game. BEST: That woman who died and everyone says, “She was the greatest person I’ve ever known.” WORST: That woman who died and everyone is afraid if they say her name three times she’ll reappear and kill them. BEST: The flight attendant who calms down nervous passengers with his soothing voice. WORST: Ryan Seacrest. BEST: “Three cheers” Lisa, who got her nickname by being so positive and celebrating other people. WORTS: “Three cheese” Tony, whose nickname actually has nothing to do with food. |
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