Mascots. They delight us with their frolicking happiness and faux competitive spirit. But there is also a dark side as the Intergalactic Business Report learned when we went across the country to find the absolute worst mascots ever conceived of. Here they are:
The Hope State Lepers.
The Ansberry Tech Looters.
The Carmel College Big Brown Toilet Flush.
The Mohave High School Shit Pieces.
The Utah Frotteurists.
The Bellingham Community College Open Marriage That Seemed Like A Good Idea But Ended Up Hurting Everyone And Leading To A Messy Divorce.
The Virginia College of Optometry Van Drivers Who Offer Candy to Children.
The Martin Military Academy Deserters.
The Healthy Weight Institute Desserters.
The Orville State University Systemic Racists.
The Hornsbury College Beehive Fuckers.
The Fronteneau High School Will Suck Dick For Money.
The North Carolina Gifted Charter School Freak Squad.
The Upstate South Carolina Community College Old People Molesters.
The College of the Philippines Sex Traffickers.
Orlando Area School for the Arts Satanic Dildo Performers.
Throughout the global pandemic, it seems that every day just brings more and more bad news. New numbers. Alarming statistics. Stories of death and pain. Images of hospitals overrun and… You get it. Just turn on your t.v.
To counter this gloom, the Intergalactic Business Report set out to find some truly positive updates about Covid-19 and deliver it to our readers so they can once again feel the comfort of good news for a change. Here’s what we came up with:
1. If you’re reading this, you aren’t dead yet.
2. Twerking doesn’t seem to spread the virus.
3. That’s all we’ve got. Sorry.
Ozark is renewed for a 14 episode final season and fans everywhere are saying, “Hey, wouldn’t it be fun to launder money?” While we can’t legally recommend laundering, we can point out the best and worst ways to do it.
BEST: Buy real estate in ultra-expensive empty buildings. Then just sit on it as it accumulates value.
WORST: Buy precious metals, melt them down, and build a toilet out of them, so no one suspects your toilet is worth 8 Million dollars. Then just sit on it as it accumulates stankiness.
BEST: Open shell companies with offshore bank accounts.
WORST: Sell seashells by the seashore.
BEST: Become a “partner” with someone who has a cash business.
WORST: Give money to homeless people and tell them to bring it back to you once they’ve doubled it.
BEST: Have a “front” like a laundry mat or Chinese restaurant, where you pretend to do legitimate business.
WORST: Make fortune cookies with messages inside asking if anyone has good money-laundering ideas with your phone number on them.
BEST: Open a “Gentleman’s club” and put all the cash earnings in a safe.
WORST: Open a Gentleman’s club and deposit all your money in strippers’ g-strings.
BEST: Make zero interest loans to people but don’t actually give them the money.
WORST: Vaguely “bet on yourself” or “invest in” people. Talk a lot about how you can’t measure the value of a person. Then slowly go broke.
BEST: Have a secret offshore account through which you funnel all your profits.
WORST: Have children.
BEST: Start any business that has to do with concrete.
WORST: Bankroll your son’s band.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.