In part of its commitment to education and honesty, the Intergalactic Business Report looked at the absolute worst colleges and universities in the nation where we felt parents would be better off letting their children become hostesses at Japanese nightclubs or cruise ship Karaoke hustlers rather than allowing them to attend them.
We recommend you peruse this list carefully and make sure your offspring are not considering matriculating at any of these:
COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY: Jeff Tanner’s College of Learning, His Van Campus.
WHY NOT: We also don’t recommend the His Apartment Campus, which may be coming back soon if he can enroll enough students at the His Van Campus.
COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY: Middle-west East Southwest State Tech of Southern Florida University in Jeff Tanner’s pants.
WHY NOT: A post-graduate survey indicated that only 3% of students make it to their sophomore year, which just means sticking around after seeing what’s in his pants. Junior year numbers are even worse.
COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY: Just the Tip College of Jeff Tanner’s Penis.
WHY NOT: This college makes our “best value” list for colleges and universities not to send your kid. With a 100% acceptance rate, this higher ed institution over delivers on its promise to give students just the tip as they soon find they can receive the whole penis at no additional cost.
COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY: The Jeffrey A. Tanner University of Get in My Van.
WHY NOT: Also known as JTUGMV, it is not to be confused with Jeff Tanner’s College of Learning, His Van Campus (above). In this one, he includes his middle initial and it’s way more direct.
COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY: Penis Brothers Institute of Technology.
WHY NOT: Founded by the Penis brothers, Chad, Skip, and Jeff Tanner, the technology programs include “Turn on the radio” and “Switch that to some porn.”
COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY: The University of Old Nasty Looking Balls.
WHY NOT: Also known as UONLB, this school was started by Jeff Tanner’s late grandfather. The university’s motto: “Cum here if you’re into that.”
With America racing to vaccinate citizens in record numbers, news agencies and health officials have begun to warn us that we better hurry because a slew of “variants” could cause a new Covid surge.
You may have heard of the South African strain and the Brazilian variant. Now the Intergalactic Business Report gives you the other ones coming your way. Beware of:
The Alabama variant:
HOW YOU CATCH IT: Your cousin gives it to you. A lot.
The Florida variant:
SYMPTOMS: Your shirt dissolves and you get sucked into a sinkhole.
The Mafia variant:
SYMPTOMS: You wanna fugget about it but you can’t.
The Canadian variant:
SYMPTOMS: Your face develops a smug look and you can’t stop looking down on Americans. You also can’t stop talking about soaker tubs and your hockey equipment.
The White Claw variant:
SYMPTOMS: You feel like a total pussy but you keep exposing yourself to it anyway.
The German variant:
SYMPTOMS: You try to tell a joke, but nobody laughs because your joke is quoting an eighteenth-century philosopher and then staring at everyone till each of them turns away, uncomfortably.
Your mom variant:
SYMPTOMS: You gain a lot of weight and then have sex with random men.
HOW YOU CATCH IT: You make just enough money to finally let people know you’re a total douche but couldn’t buy anything to prove it before.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.