Every October someone says, “I love Halloween.” But does he really? A month later, the same guy is saying, “I love Christmas.” This year, the Intergalactic Business Report forces him to choose, and we open it up to every major holiday out there.
Which ones win? Which ones lose? We compare them all and reveal the winner.
Pros: Families come together to ignite hope and cheer. We celebrate the true meaning behind caring and goodness.
Cons: Devil worshippers are left out and many liquor stores are closed. Hallmark movies show no boobs or full penetration. Impossible to take a dump behind the Christmas tree without people commenting.
Pros: Easter egg hunts are fun.
Cons: Getting drunk is considered something an “alcoholic” would do, according to all your relatives. The weather is usually shitty. It’s hard to picture having sex with an Easter Bunny.
Pros: Provides a special day to recognize your romantic partner.
Cons: Still not possible to suck your own dick. Chocolate burns when you have sex with it.
FOURTH OF JULY:
Pros: National pride swells and fireworks abound.
Cons: It never makes your penis any bigger. Nobody is obligated to have sex with you.
NEW YEAR’S EVE:
Pros: You say goodbye to last year and look forward to the next as you sip champagne with friends.
Cons: You have to actually have friends and not be a recovering alcoholic.
Pros: Children have a night where they can make believe and dress up while they gather candy from kind neighbors.
Cons: Usually too dark for anyone to see your penis. Realistically, you can only fit three pieces of candy in your butt even though before Halloween you always think you can fit seven or eight. Contrary to what you believed, it’s not your one night to legally dress up like a cop and mete out justice.
FREE BOOZE AND MONEY DAY:
Pros: Money and alcohol are totally free and you can just take it.
Cons: Not a real holiday in the eyes of the government, banking system, or anyone who owns a store that sells liquor, beer, or wine.
WINNER: Free sex and money day. Call your Senator or something.
Halloween is a spooky time and this year we can ad COVID to our list of horrors. How will kids trick-or-treat? How will adults wear skanky costumes that support really bad stereotypes and make everyone regret that this holiday has become an outlet for their sexual frustration?
As per usual, the Intergalactic Business Report has you covered. Below we list the 9 best ideas for celebrating All Hallows’ Eve while still staying safely away from the dangers of the pandemic.
9 BEST COVID HALLOWEEN IDEAS:
1. BE CREATIVE IN HOW YOU DISTANCE.
Put a sign on your front door that says, “Registered Sex Offender Lives Here.” This is a sharp but subtle way to tell trick-or-treaters to keep their distance from you.
2. HAVE FUN AND CLEAN YOUR CANDY.
Take Halloween candy out of their wrappers and clean them with mouthwash or soap before placing them in a sterilized baggy. Zip them up and leave them out on your lawn for the trick-or-treaters to find.
3. DO A DIFFERENT KIND OF ADULT PARTY.
Hold an adult Halloween party where everyone wears leather masks with no breathing holes.
4. SEND CANDY FROM A DISTANCE.
Use a sling shot to safely deliver treats to children who approach your house.
5. BECOME “SCARY RALPH.”
Add to the kids’ Halloween experience by turning yourself into a scary character who stands on the front lawn in his underwear and coughs a lot.
6. TAKE A BREAK FROM YOUR USUAL COSTUME.
Instead of dressing up like a kitty cat and saying things like, “Meo-ooowww,” just don’t.*
7. REVERSE TRICK-OR-TREAT.
Attach small bags of candy to rats and birds and let them deliver the treats throughout the neighborhood.
8. ADD A PHYSICAL ELEMENT TO THE NIGHT.
Distance the children by making them go one at a time up a ladder to your roof, where they must complete an obstacle course in order to get candy. Make it hard because kids need challenges.
9. OFFER COVID-HEALTHY TREATS.
Fill baggies with vitamin D pills and zinc tablets. Then use a sharpie to write “drugs” on the bags. This tells kids and parents that you hand out “drugs” to children (to keep them safe from COVID!).
*This has nothing to do with COVID. Just please stop doing this.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.