Remember when people thought it was funny to say they loved something and then they paused and said, “Not!” That’s what I picture happening with God when I die. Except there is no God and there’s no one there to say anything because there isn’t anything. Just blackness and a farty smell because you shit yourself when you die.
So that’s where I am right now as we push on through November and everyone is talking about the holidays and making plans and pretending like that’s normal because slowly dying on a spinning orb in the middle of a dark universe and having Thanksgiving dinner is normal.
We had midterm elections this month. Did you know they had those fifty years ago too? And most of the people running for office are dead now. They were all like, “Get out and vote! I’m your man! We can change America together!” And now they’re all like: “…….” Because they’re dead and they have no voice. And if you voted for them, you’re probably dead now too.
People love having me at Thanksgiving dinner. Not! They don’t say they hate me. Instead they say things like, “It’s so great to have you here, Rhoda” and “Isn’t this a wonderful time to celebrate family?” Makes you wonder what they say when they really really hate someone. I’ll probably find out this year when my status changes from wet blanket who takes up space in their house to untenable depressing element who absolutely ruins the holiday by constantly reminding everyone that they’re actively dying and that the fucking turkey isn’t helping anything.
But I love Thanksgiving. Not! Is that funny? Didn’t think so. If I were funny people would say stuff like, “Isn’t she funny?” instead of “Are you off your meds?” Comedians are supposed to be so fucked up that the only way they can survive is to make jokes through all their enormous pain. I’m exactly like that. Minus the jokes.
I read we’re in a climate catastrophe and we all only have 12 years to live. I read that eleven and a half years ago so… Remember how people in old movies would say something cool before they died like, “See you in hell”? I feel like just saying “I see you” because we’re already in hell and whoever I’m saying it to would be like, “What? I don’t understand.” And then I’d just die and she’d have no idea what I was talking about but she’d still be in hell.
In some ways, though, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving. Not! Is it funny now? Didn’t think so. Maybe I’ll start saying “Schwiiiiing” and pretending I have a boner. Maybe that will be my cool thing to say before I die. “Schwiiiiiiing!” Nope. I’m still alive.
I guess I’m done writing now, so goodbye and schwiiiing. Nope. Still didn’t work.
Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at email@example.com.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.