Museums are places you go to feel like you give a shit about things someone created years before you were born or stopped caring about everything in the entire world. Then you have to sit there and pretend you want to be there. After that, you start wondering how long you have to look at each boring picture, vase, or sculpture. Then you decide to leave and say to everyone, “I was just at the museum and you should check out the new exhibit” and hope they don’t ask you to go with them.
Before you embark on your next fake art appreciation day, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you its reviews of the very best and very worst museums in the world. Read so that you never need again.
BEST: The Prado Museum, Madrid.
WORST: The Did Someone Eat my Fucking Pizza Museum, Cindy Mann’s Kitchen, Philadelphia.
COMPARISON: The Prado Museum features masterpieces by Rubens, Goya, and El Greco. The Did Someone Eat My Fucking Pizza Museum features pizza crusts left in a pizza container in Cindy Mann’s kitchen, where one of her roommates clearly came home drunk and ate her fucking pizza. The container now remains in her kitchen as a reminder of her roommates’ treachery.
BEST: The Smithsonian, Washington D.C.
WORST: Hairy Balls Museum, Chad Mumstead’s pants, wherever he is.
COMPARISON: The Smithsonian is a complex of museums of art, science, history, and culture. Chad Mumstead’s Hairy Balls Museum is a mobile museum, contained entirely in his pants. It travels with him everywhere and patrons must ask him to see its only exhibit, his hairy hairy balls, which happens never.
BEST: The Art Institute of Chicago.
WORST: The Fart Institute of Chicago, Trey Mandolowski’s Butthole, Chicago.
COMPARISON: The Art Institute of Chicago, known for its collection of French Impressionism, was named TripAdvisor’s Best Museum in the world. The Fart Institute of Chicago, on the other hand, was named worst smell in the world by anyone near Trey Mandolowski’s butthole from 2015-2018.
BEST: The Guggenheim Museum, New York City.
WORST: Scrotum Self-Portrait Museum, Cedric Bigglestone’s apartment hallway.
COMPARISON: The iconic Guggenheim Museum in New York is an architectural marvel on the outside and a treasure trove of art within. The Scrotum Self-Portrait Museum is a series of crudely drawn pictures that Cedric Bigglestone claims were painted by his scrotum, even though everyone tells him that using your nutsack to hold a crayon and then drawing with it doesn’t mean your scrotum did it on its own.
BEST: The Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art, New York City.
WORST: Jeff’s Hamster Museum, his mom’s basement.
COMPARISON: The world comes to see some of the greatest masterpieces of modern art at MOMA in New York. Meanwhile, some neighborhood kids pay Chuck E. Cheese tokens to Jeff Barney to see his group of dead hamsters which he has arranged to make it look like they’re having sex.
BEST: The Louvre, Paris.
WORST: The Most Average Penis Gallery, Diedra Day’s Iphone.
COMPARISON: The Louvre is arguably the most famous museum of art on the planet. Diedra Day’s Iphone is arguably the most viewed mobile device in her office, as she shows co-workers pictures she has collected of men’s dicks.
BEST: The British Museum, London.
WORST: Largest Contiguous Human Shit Museum, Phil Ratuliak’s bathroom, Durango, Colorado.
COMPARISON: The British Museum contains artifacts including the Rosetta Stone. The Largest Contiguous Human Shit Museum contains only one artifact—the shit Phil Ratuliak never flushed, thinking no one would ever believe that he crapped such a long turd. His toilet now has a “do not flush” sign above it and a glass viewing panel over the toilet bowl.
Jobs are what you do while you slowly die over fifty or sixty years, so you better pick a good one! This week the Intergalactic Business Report profiles the best and worst jobs in America. Read and don’t need ever again.
BEST: Hedge fund manager.
WORST: Assistant leg humper.
BEST: Vice-president for strategic solutions.
WORST: Semen sweeper.
BEST: Fortune 500 Board Chairman.
WORST: “Brenda’s bitch.”
WORST: Tester of the limits of butthole expansion using your own butthole.
BEST: Venture Capitalist.
WORST: Japanese pee taster.
BEST: Multi-patented inventor.
WORST: Independent human hair collector.
BEST: Famous artist.
WORST: Famous self nut puncher.
BEST: Extremely successful actor.
WORST: Ghost who never found love and haunts some girl from high school he was kind of into, but not totally.