What’s the point of being drunk if you don’t transform into another person while you’re doing it? This week, the Intergalactic Business Report delves deep into psychology to explore and examine the best and worst kinds of drunks. Recognize someone? Maybe yourself? Is it time to start drinking again?
BEST: The drunk who tells you how beautiful/handsome you are, and how he/she always wanted to ask you out but was too intimidated.
WORST: The drunk who tells you how hot he/she is and asks you why you never asked him/her out. Was it because you were intimidated?
BEST: The drunk who offers to buy you shit, like a car, or clothes, or Taco Bell.
WORST: The drunk who asks if he can borrow five hundred dollars so he can buy a super cool lizard he saw on the internet.
BEST: The drunk who accidently flashes her boob at you.
WORST: The drunk who purposely takes out his nuts and then then zips his pants up around them so they hang there.
BEST: The drunk who pays for everyone’s bar tab.
WORST: The drunk who tells the bartender you’re paying everyone’s bar tab.
BEST: The drunk who starts giving you a massage and is really good at it.
WORST: The drunk who challenges you to a “tickle war” and then basically assaults you on your bar stool.
BEST: The drunk who reveals embarrassing sex stories about him/herself that you know he/she would never tell you sober.
WORST: The drunk who reveals embarrassing sex stories about you that you’ve never told anyone and you can’t figure out how he knows until you remember you had sex with him.
Today’s jobs are not just about salaries. The top companies and organizations keep their employees happy with an array of perks and benefits that make working there a fun, meaningful experience, while others fall short and add to the planet’s brutal tapestry of human misery.
The Intergalactic Business Report profiles some of the best and worst company benefits in America today.
BEST: Free massages on Fridays by a professional masseuse.
WORST: “Free” backrubs from Benjamin, who you hear breathing from a mile away as he approaches you and then, slowly, grabs your shoulders and begins kneading, without saying a word and then leaves ten minutes later as you cower in fear.
BEST: A company car.
WORST: A carpool you are forced into by Dominic and Randall, who don’t even live near you but made you feel sorry for them when they tricked you into going to the bar with them your first day and then told you no one from the office liked them. Now you’re stuck driving to and from work with them every day. And they have super fucked up schedules where they need to leave really early or really late because there’s a toy train show or an ultimate Frisbee game they need to go to.
BEST: An office cafeteria with totally free food.
WORST: The “homemade” crap in a greasy Tupperware container that old Jenny Vanderwiel brings you each and every fucking day because she decided that she was going to “adopt” you as her niece or some such shit. And if you bring other food or try to sneak out to lunch she looks at you like you just spent her 401K on cocaine. So you stay. And eat. Every day…
BEST: Flexible work hours.
WORST: Helping Marvin Jacobs sort out his desk on the weekends because he has some learning disability you’ve never heard of. And you don’t want to question that he even has one at all because you got in trouble once when you mentioned you saw Terrence out drinking even though he tells everyone he’s been sober for twelve years. So, there you are. Asking Marvin where he wants you to put his fucking calculator because he can’t figure out how to pick it up and set it down somewhere on his enormous ass desk.
BEST: An amazing benefits package.
WORST: Chad Harving nudging Sam Bailey every time he hears the word “package” at a meeting about your crappy benefits and then pointing down to his junk until they both start giggling like two monkeys doing whippits.