1. Will Smith. Sure, a dinner with Will Smith sounds great, but then, just after the water comes, would also come his advice… And, whatever you do, don’t tell him you want to be an actor, like him, or he’s liable to go off on you about your lack of drive and desire and how you need to start by controlling what you put in your mouth, like that piece of bread the waiter just brought you. Anyway, you get the picture.
2. Dwayne, “the Rock” Johnson. We feel strongly that dinner with Dwayne Johnson would be little more than an all-out enthusiasm contest which you would quickly lose. As your smile breaks and Dwayne sees you’ve weakened, he will surely begin to impart his own sage advice to better living, working, and probably about how all your friends are dragging you down. (He’s right about the last point, of course.)
3. Bob Villa. No explanation needed.
1. Carrot Top. We rank the comedian at the “top” of our carrot, because we feel strongly that any negative interaction with him would be quickly numbed by the constant thought: “Why the fuck am I eating dinner with Carrot Top? How did this happen?”
2. Robert Townsend. Because even if he’s a total dick, who cares? He’s Robert Townsend and you get to eat dinner with him, so shut up.
3. David Copperfield. This counterintuitive choice is based on the idea that anyone who seems to be that big of an asshole must be the opposite. Right?
Bonus: Celebrity dinner matchups we’d like to see:
1. Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson and Terry Crews. Finally, a match for Dwayne’s unhealthy, motivational speaker mania. Two men enter, one man leaves early because he has a “thing” he needs to get to.
2. Will Smith and Tony Robbins. There can be only one.
3. “Mur” from Impractical Jokers and Bob Villa. No explanation needed.
*Not an actual photo of Will Smith. We don’t use celebrity photos, or photos of anyone’s distinguishable image because, like a primitive but litigious tribe who thinks their souls will be stolen if we actually post a picture of them, people sue if you show them online. Yup. They do. If you are a celebrity, or anyone else, and you want to give us the right to use your image, let us know. We’ll probably use it. Otherwise, we show you fake stuff.