Best and worst New Year’s Eve plans.

BEST: Gather your best friends, find a quiet pub, and ring in the new year with laughter and thought-provoking conversation.
WORST: Find a quiet pub and stare at the group of best friends at the other table. Laugh loudly when they laugh. Then ask if one of them will help you use the bathroom.
 
BEST: Take the one you love on a romantic date that features champagne, exquisite food, and ends with you kissing as fireworks explode in the distance.
WORST: Take someone who likes you way more than you like them on a booze cruise where you hook up with the bartender in the bathroom and accidentally explode in your pants.
 
BEST: Take stock of your past year by recalling your triumphs and learning from your errors. Make a plan for how next year will be even better. 
WORST: Change the date on your phone and pretend it’s a time before you completely fucked up your life.
 
BEST:  Call old friends and wish them Happy New Year!
WORST: Do that thing where you call your friend you haven’t seen since high school but you won’t say who you are and then the cops have to tell him that the phone call is coming from inside his house.
 
BEST: Crack open a bottle of bubbly and watch a fireworks show.
WORST: Smoke crack with some dude named Bobby Bubbly and watch him freak out about some football team you’ve never heard of, mainly because it only exists in Bobby’s mind and they’re about to lose the fucking Super Bowl unless he shoots you.
 
BEST: Celebrate hard with your wildest friends on a New Year’s Eve pub crawl.
WORST: Celebrate hard by having a full-on erection that makes everyone uncomfortable to the point they’re saying things like, “Who let this guy in?” and “Is this the guy the cops are looking for?”