They say the Coronavirus is killing the world economy. But capitalism always finds a way to adjust and survive, almost like… a virus? Do you want to adjust and survive too? Today, the Intergalactic Business Report offers free ideas for your next business in the Corona-Era.
Take them, make them, don’t break them.
1. Booger removal services. Now that no one can touch his face and definitely not stick his finger up his nose, there needs to be a safe solution to clearing bats from your cave. Enter the booger removal industry. You send in trained, ex-fast food workers into people’s quarantined homes and have them safely remove all hard snot from customers' nasal passages using sanitized gloves or an anti-septic short-range cleaning tool (pipe-cleaner) to avoid contact.
2. Circle jerk friends club online. This service can be all yours when you set up a zoom account and sign up people from around the world to join you in a circle jerk every hour on the hour till you basically pass out or die from excessive jerking. Be careful with this one. But at five dollars each per session, you could make up to $75 dollars a night.* Not bad.
3. Sanitary hugging dolls. People love hugging. But they can’t do it anymore. Your new business solves their problem by dropping off “human-esque” hugging dolls (mannequins you found somewhere) at their homes. Don’t forget to spray those things with Lysol.
4. The “don’t touch your face” home electronic game. This fun for the family invention is a box with wires that people at home attach to their body parts. The box then scans the room and can determine when someone’s finger, hand, or whatever comes in contact with their face in any way. When someone touches his face, a massive shock is sent through him and the whole family can laugh at his reaction while also learning not to ever ever touch their faces.
5. Sanitary rescue arms. First responders need to rescue people. But it isn’t safe anymore to reach out your hand and say, “Grab my hand. I’ll save you.” That’s where sanitary rescue arms can be used. These human-esque arms (taken from a mannequin you find) can be held by the rescuer and aimed towards whoever needs help. The person in peril simply grabs the Lysol sprayed rescue arm and is pulled to safety. Note: Make sure the Lysol has dried or the victim could slip away.
6. Kissing simulator. Kissing is way too dangerous today, but people still want to give loved ones a peck on the cheek or even full on make out with them. But how without contracting a deadly virus? The kissing simulator, built by you, is the answer. This device is a highly cleaned human-like head (mannequin head you find somewhere) that each person carries with him or her. Every head has the name of someone written across the top of it. For example, husband Hank has a mannequin head with his wife Lucy’s name written on it. She has a man mannequin head with “Hank” written on it. They carry the heads with them everywhere (maybe on a chain? You figure that one out) and they kiss the heads whenever they want while you get rich and kiss all your money.**
7. Alternative stock market. This is your opportunity to own your own stock market. Think about that for a second. Even better, your stock market only goes up. What investor wouldn’t want to be in your stock market instead of the one that goes up and down all the time? Answer: None. The great thing about this business idea is that not only do you get rich, but everyone else does too. Nice job.
*Did you seriously do the math on this?
** Actually, don’t ever kiss money. It has viruses, cocaine, and feces on it.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.