 As Hulu’s Handmaid’s Tale reaches its conclusion next week, pockets of fans who weren’t satisfied with six seasons of watching a prolonged closeup of Elizabeth Moss’s face, are asking for more. While a season seven is unlikely, the possibility of a spinoff is whetting the appetites of theocracy porn addicts everywhere.
We want to help, and this is why the Intergalactic Business Report proffers eight totally legit concepts for Handmaids spinoffs ranging from reality television to simply Elizabeth Moss’s face on a screen on a loop. As always, we don’t demand a finder’s fee or production credit. Just do as we say, shut your mouths, and conceive and then birth these potential masterpieces while our wife straddles you: Elizabeth Moss’s Face. Endless, looped episodes where the camera never leaves Elizabeth Moss’s face. Basically the same thing as every episode of the Handmaid’s Tale, only there is no plot or audio. Great for the holidays in place of the burning yule log video. Aunt Lydia’s Place. Gilead goes down and Aunt Lydia must open a pub to survive in the new world. When her customer base dwindles, she must re-enlist her surviving “girls” to re-open her business as a strip club called “Jezebels.” Zaniness ensues when now health inspector Joseph Wallace enters to decide whether the establishment can keep its salad bar open or whether they need to move it farther from the stage. Amazing Race, Gilead. In this reality series, couples must make it through Gilead checkpoints, the colonies, and solve puzzles like why does everyone act like if you brought them into a Walmart they'd freak out at the abundance and decadence even though they used to shop there five years ago. Fred Waterford, the college days. Before Fred was a commander, he was just a dude in college trying to get drunk and laid. When he meets Serena, who’s head of the debate society, he’s definitely in over his head. Can he and his crew of dipshit friends convince her to help them overthrow America and install a theocracy where girls have to listen to them and do the shit they tell them to? It’s a longshot, but with the help of Serena’s chunky nerd roommate, Lydia, who’ll do anything to fit in, they may have a chance. June the Moon. On a quiet summer’s night, people look up at the sky to see the moon is now Elizabeth Moss’s face. They all focus on it and watch and are afraid to look away. Each episode brings their collective gaze closer until the finale, in which the entire screen is just Elizabeth Moss’s face. Directed by Elizabeth Moss. Too Hot to Handle—Gilead. Hot Gilead singles are not allowed to touch, kiss, or bone each other or they go up on the wall. Temptation Island—Handmaid’s Tale edition. Each week, isolated Handmaids who must live on a tropical island are tempted by new arrivals of commanders who try to persuade them to run away with them to make babies in their households in Boston. Instead of a traditional courtship, the twist is that the commanders arrive, point to whichever one they want, and then take them. Real Handmaids of Atlanta. Handmaids must live in faux luxury as citizens of Atlanta and pretend they have enormous wealth from having married NFL players who stopped playing football twenty years ago when the salaries weren’t that high. Also, they want music careers.  Once upon a time, Shoemakers made shoes and Smiths pounded metal. Coopers made barrels and Johnsons had huge penises. Our last names told us who we were and what we did, but now they're irrelevant to today’s world and professions. To remedy this, the Intergalactic Business Report assigns completely new last names that finally fit our current society. Take whichever one suits you best, Kent Basementdweller.
Jeff Coffeemaker. Eric Dataprocesser. Susan Tinderhooker. Brian Cryptoasshole. Aurelio Cantstoplookingatyourballs. Florence Solarsales. Pradip Canigetyournummer. Sunny Bustanut. Jarred Daytrader. Carl Undiagnosedpersonalitydisorder. Ruben Doomscroller. Brie Foodpicshooter. Randall Fantasysportsman. Drew Incel. Deborah Influencer. Samuel Creatine.  It recently came to our attention that a contest was held to design a new state flag for Illinois. Usually, when one of the United States makes such a change, we are contacted immediately for our input. But this time, something must have gotten mixed up. Not to worry, Illinois, we are now entering our own designs for your consideration. We are also using the required format, so you’re welcome. Just let us know which one you pick. FLAG ONE:  Relationship to Illinois: We’re a satirical magazine based in Illinois. Is that enough? Why are you asking? Are you a cop? Explain the meaning behind your flag: We wanted to have a depiction of Abraham Lincoln getting carjacked, but we didn’t have the skill to pull that one off. FLAG TWO:  Relationship to Illinois: I am a ten-year-old kid with special needs who maybe you’ll feel sorry for and make his flag the winner? No? All right. Same answer as before. Explain the meaning behind your flag: In this one, we played with the famous SNL sketch featuring “Bill Swerski’s Super Fans.” Only this time, we made it about the massive crime in Chicago. Sorry to the rest of the state, but there’s only so much room on a flag so you’re in on this too. FLAG THREE:  Relationship to Illinois: Do we really have to keep answering this question? Explain the meaning behind your flag: We forgot about the corruption, so we made this flag about that. FLAG FOUR:  Relationship to Illinois: It’s complicated. Dating we guess? Late night hookups and booty calls mostly.
Explain the meaning behind your flag: We added something about cornfields to represent the state outside Chicago.  Andrew and Tristan Tate. 16-year-old boys are into them, but not in that way. The Tate bros have built a social media/cam girl/online ed empire based in Romania, where they are currently under house arrest for… We don’t even know because we’re not 16 and don’t care about “personal responsibility” and “getting off our asses” and “being rich.”
Despite all that, the Intergalactic Business Report pitches ten awesome reality show ideas for the bros, all with built-in ratings and almost guaranteed second-season buys. Tates, take a look, these are all free for now, so hop on them soon… Concept one: “Tater Tots.” Andrew Tate has said he wants “25 children.” A new series called “Tater Tots” shows his progeny fight for physical and mental dominance over their father and uncle, who are eventually put in an oppressive retirement home where they must break out and prevent Tater Tots Cyril and Sinjin from microwaving a homeless man. Concept two: “Impractical strokers.” Andrew Tate bears a striking resemblance to “Murr” from Impractical Jokers, if Murr were huge and got laid all the time. A “crossover” show has the two men switching lives for a month. Murr must manage the Tate empire while dating models and driving supercars, while Tate must wear wooden bowties and ask New Yorkers if their tongues fit in their mouths. When the time comes to return to their normal lives, they are given a choice to switch for good, fight to the death, or have sex with each other. Concept three: “Bottom G.” Andrew Tate is known as “Top G.” A new show, called “Bottom G” is about dudes who want him to have sex with him. Concept four: “Hot Bunny.” Tristan Tate is kind of like if Andrew Tate were Bugs Bunny when he dresses up like a woman and you think he’s kind of hot and then you’re like, how do I think a cartoon rabbit is hot? We don’t know where we’re going with this one, but maybe a cartoon where Andrew Tate dresses up like his brother to get out of shit. Like, for instance, they’re in Romanian prison and Andrew disguises as his “brother” and then tricks the guards into letting him out? And the guards are all drooling and doing that thing where they put their finger on their lips and move it up and down rapidly to make a “motor boat” sound. Concept five: “Tate Times One.” Following up on number four (above), we find out that the Tate brothers are actually just one guy. Concept six: “The Real Real World.” The Tate bros offer a business program called “the Real World,” to whoever would pay for that. A new reality series takes former “Real World” stars and makes them live in a house with the Tates, who have sex with them. Concept seven: “Hey, Tate Bros. You Come To Dees Country. You Like.” Scary eastern European countries compete to have the Tate brothers move to their fucked up, almost failed states in a bid to increase tourism and whatever the Tate brothers do when they live in your country. Concept eight: “Hello Larry.” Bewitched advertising president Larry Tate shows up in Romania to discipline his long-lost nephews and teach them how to love again. Concept nine: “United Tates of America.” “United Tates of America” is where the Tate brothers road trip across the U.S. and tell people how much their antiques are worth, even though they’re just guessing. Maybe they also go to roadside diners and eat huge burgers and say stuff like, “Now THIS is a burger!” and point down at it and then chomp into it again. After that, they shake their heads as if to say, “You’ve gotta be kidding me with this amazing burger.” Reat esTATE bros. The Tates move to HGTV and help American homebuyers by showing them multi-million-dollar estates they can’t afford. When their clients ask why they would need a twenty-car garage, Andrew says something like, “What you NEED is a fifty car garage.” And then they just kind of go on to the next room in the house, which looks like somewhere Sadam Hussein would live. 8 original country music songs for male artists who aren’t gay but would do gay things for love.7/23/2024  In our age of honesty and understanding about sexual preferences, the Intergalactic Business Report offers the music industry 12 song concepts that hyper-masculine, straight artists can turn into mega hits. Each song title expresses an original perspective on love, relationships, and finding your way into the heart of the lady of your dreams. The twist? Even though these songs are totally non-homosexual in their essence, they also recognize that whoever sings them is also willing to get a little gay if that’s what it takes for love. Grab onto these now before another record company gobbles up titles like:
1. Who do I have to blow (to get into your heart)? 2. I would suck a dick to be your man. 3. I’ll be anything you want me to be (including gay) tonight. 4. Dressin’ up like a lady to get into the locker room of your heart. 5. Got nothing ‘gainst dicks, but they ain’t my thing (‘less you’ll be my lady if I suck a dingaling). 6. Time to flip you over (and see if you’re a man). Hope you’re not, but if you are, then I don’t give a damn. 7. Tryin’ to find her, by using Grindr. 8.Sex with a man was never the plan (but it taught me how to treat a lady). Everybody’s talking about the Roast of Tom Brady, a live Netflix special in which ostensibly perfect human being Tom Brady is ridiculed and scorned by his friends, teammates, and random comedians who don’t know him. But it’s all done in love. Kind of like when a child molester has sex with you.
After watching the riotously funny spectacle of humiliation, the Intergalactic Business Report began seeing reports of all the hi-larious jokes that didn’t make it into the roast, and we thought, shit, we may as well do that too, even though we never had any jokes considered for the event, probably because we have zero connections to the entertainment industry except for those of columnist Ed Mountaineer, who has sex with funnel cakes and stalks Ryan Reynolds. Replicating the subject matter and tenor of the roast, we offer, free of charge, a golden stream of quips, comments, and deadly zingers to include in the postpartum of the Tom Brady fever dream birthed on May 5th. Use them, abuse them, but don’t lose them: 1. Jeff Ross looks like a recruiter for a leper colony. 2. Jeff Ross, you put the “ewww” in “jewww.” 3. If Rob Gronkowski were a child molester, he’d be the kind that says, “Duh, you wanna get in my van?” And then the kid would drive off without him. 4. It took Bert Kreischer six years to graduate from Florida State. Which is like trying to suck your own dick. You try every day for six years and can’t quite reach it and then somebody hands you a diploma and says, “Congratulations, you just graduated from Florida State.” 5. Tony Hinchcliffe has the biggest podcast in the world? Did they change the definition of "podcast" to mean “desire to fuck men but says he’s straight?” 6. Julian Edelman looks like a guy who’d watch Julian Edelman in a game and be like, “I think I could play in the NFL.” 7. Andrew Schulz. Nice haircut. Is it to let the jizz run down the side of your head without getting in your hair? It’s like you have two Jizz Luges under your ears. 8. Kevin Hart. Imagine if he were tall and white. He’d have the same name and when he spoke people would be like, “Why are you talking like an aggressive homeless person?” 9. Kevin, why do you keep saying how great this show is going, during the show? Can you imagine what it’s like to have sex with Kevin Hart? It’d be like, “Wow. This is going so great. It’s amazing. I can’t believe how great this is. We’re gonna keep it going now. Wow. This is so successful. We’re definitely gonna do this again.” 10. If Tom Brady didn’t have athletic ability, he’d be a real estate agent in the Bay Area and he’d have yoghurt and shit sitting on the kitchen island at the open house. And he’d forget the spoons. 11. Isn’t it funny watching comedians who are divorced, date pornstars, and have STDs because they fucked nasty sluts from airport lounges talk about Tom’s 13-year marriage to a supermodel as if he’s a loser? 12. Every one of these comics spent a month thinking, “Jujitsu, jujitsu… There’s gotta be a jizz joke in there somewhere. Oh wait! Gisele! Half of that name is jizz!” 13. Niki Glaser. She’s a lot like that crazy slut who’ll have sex with anybody and then talk about it till you wonder if she’s doing it so when you say “God you’re a whore” she can be like, “I know. Let me tell you some more whore stories.” Sorry, I mean that’s exactly her. 14. Nikki Glaser is such a whore that if you asked her to suck your dick for money, she’d blow you, give you a twenty, and say, “I’ll get you the rest when I get paid for the Roast of Tom Brady.” 15. Just to recap. Tonight we told openly racist jokes, talked about Julian Edelman drinking Tom Brady’s cum, sex-shamed women, called a big retarded man retarded, and had a black midget yell at us for two hours. And we did it all in front of a packed arena of cheering goons. If Hitler had come out and done a set about how Rob Gronkowski was so bad at thinking he needed to be sent to a concentration camp, you would have pissed your pants laughing.  It’s no secret that entrepreneuroexpert Kris Krohn is like a demigod to the Intergalactic Business Report. His wisdom and guidance have led us to the realization that talent, genius, morality, and conviction are superficial traits compared with body fat count and weight. It was all so simple, and yet it took Krohn to make us understand that we should never engage with those who don’t have great bodies because it is the physical form that tells us a human’s true worth.
Critics may say that Krohn is emphasizing the superfluous over the depth of someone’s soul and character, but that’s crap. Like King Xerxes, Krohn is kind and willing to work with people on their weight loss journeys. We recognize love when we see it and are dedicated to spreading the word of Krohn even to the deceased, who could have used his benevolence to change their fates. Following our groundbreaking article featuring suggested Kris Krohn letters to fat billionaires, the Intergalactic Business Report gives Krohn texts he can still send to fat dead people, illustrating that personal growth is eternal. Marlon Brando. I wish I could sit down with you and counsel you on your weight. I liked Streetcar Named Desire, but I would LOVE to see Marlon’s body losing weight is desired. When you were on the waterfront, did you eat a bunch of churros? You could have been a contender (to do business with Kris Krohn) if you weren’t so fucking fat. Here’s an offer you can’t refuse—two for one Whoppers. Elvis Presley. With all due respect, your physical appearance has hindered your legacy. I feel like you love me some chicken tenders instead of loving your body and the result is that if we were contemporaries, you and I would be totally incompatible and I would never associate myself with you. I can respect the Karate stuff because that demonstrated some physical fitness, but the fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches showed a total lack of control. Fatty Arbuckle. You wouldn’t have killed that girl if you were more focused on your own body. Jabba the Hut I guess you’re gonna have to kill me because I refuse to pay my debt till you’ve lost at least three thousand pounds. John Candy. Sure you’re funny. But are you Kris Krohn funny? I feel like you wasted your comic genius on being fat instead of doing whatever I do. I hereby refuse to watch your films until you show the kind of discipline it takes to accomplish something in your life. Dom DeLuise. Mel Brooks and Johnny Carson may love you, but you will never make it in this world unless you push yourself to your limit by working out while someone with an iphone films you and asks if you were always a grunter. The Fat Boys. I’m assuming you’re all dead from heart attacks by now but if any of you made it to becoming “fat men” I just want you to know I will never collaborate on an album or anything else with you till you start pushing yourselves and your bodies to do what you are capable of. Fat Jim Morrison. Jim, it wasn’t the drugs that killed you. It was the fatness. I’m just touching base to let you know that your music is worthless unless you have total control of your body. You should have broken on through to a diet and exercise plan, but you chose to be a stranger and blind to every meal you eat. Chris Farley. Now that you’re dead, I think it’s a teachable moment for those of us who are still living and alive. I want you to really really think about what kind of legacy you’ve left compared to someone like me, who posts Instagram videos, does real estate, and has like seven percent body fat. Besides all the legendary stuff on Saturday Night Live and movies like Tommy Boy, is there even one video of you working out and telling people way too much information about your personal life as you crush weights and get super agitated? And yes, that would be a great Chris Farley sketch. You’re welcome.  April Fools Day. The one time of year you pretend awful shit happened, scare the crap out of people, say it was all a joke, and it’s all socially acceptable and they have to laugh and it’s their fault they fell for it.
Like most humans, you woke up today and thought, “Oh shit, it’s April first and I haven’t come up with an elaborate scheme to trick someone into shitting his pants and then rescinding the horror at the last second so I can just stand there, superior, and laugh maniacally.” But the sad fact is that even if you did come up with a brilliant prank, it probably would have fallen short. After years of research, the Intergalactic Business Report has determined the number one reason April Fools jokes fail is because they are done with someone you know. But when used on total strangers, the rate of effectiveness increases by something like a million percent. This year, instead of approaching co-workers, family, and friends, try these ten sure-fire jokes on people you don’t know. You’ll be blown away by their reactions before you magnanimously release their fears by shouting “April Fools!” 1. “You called for a repairman? No? Well, they paid me up front so I may as well just come in and fix stuff.” (Go inside and pretend to repair things until it gets really awkward. Then start screaming April Fools!”) 2. “I’m commandeering your car! Get the fuck out! I’m not police. I’m just commandeering it.” (Bring the car back after you round the block. Then let out your gut-relieving April Fools call.) 3. “I would never approach someone I don’t know like this but I’m a doctor and that thing on your face is malignant and I’d like to study it before you die.” (Look concerned. That’s key.) 4. “Oh my god. I think my penis just fell off. Can you help me look for it?” (Try to appear genuinely worried and keep checking your crotch. Nope. It’s not there anymore.) 5. “I’ll pay you five-hundred bucks to take a picture of my butt hole.” (Hold back the “April Fools” till you hear the camera click.) 6. “I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a dude back there who’s been following you for about three blocks. I’m pretty sure he’s gonna kill you so I would fucking run.” (Chase after for a few blocks until your “victim” gets tired. Then yell, “I’m the dude!” Then yell, “April Fools!”) 7. "Hey! Let me out of your trunk! Hey! I’m in your trunk!"(When he opens it, look dead or passed out. Make him revive you before you do the April Fools thing.) 8. "Can I get three extra-large soups and all your waffle fries? Haw. Just kidding. Give me a medium soup. No fries. Small drink." (No need to even say April Fools for this one. You’ve done your job and it should stand alone.) 9. “I’m sorry to disturb you, but as I was getting into my car I noticed some guys attaching a bomb or something to your undercarriage. You probably don’t want to start that thing.” 10. “This is a fucking robbery! Get the fuck down! Everybody empty their fucking pockets and throw the money in this hat!” (Try to bring a really distinctive hat because it makes a huge difference.) What to say during those awkward post kissing moments? We give ABC’s “the Bachelor” free advice.2/28/2024  Most viewers watch “the Bachelor” and are satisfied with the romantic tale of one man who women in a bar would look over and say, “Yeah, he’s kind of cute, I guess. But is he rich?” who remains kind of cute and not rich but is suddenly transformed into the pinnacle of female desire because they put him in a room with thirty women and say: “Look. It’s the bachelor.”
At the Intergalactic Business Report, that’s not enough. We go deeper and ask more questions, such as, are we in danger of Clayton Echard’s brain falling in love with everyone on the planet, is “bullying” a sex game we just don’t understand, and what should the bachelor say in the myriad post kissing moments he has to endure every episode? We address this today. Through sublime editing, we see bachelors like Joey Graziadei (whose last name strangely translates to “Thank you, Lord”) make out with lady after lady after lady as they desperately offer him osculation as a means to stay on the show. But what happens when the kissy poo ends? Inevitably, the women tell Joey, “That was nice,” as they pretend to enjoy the halitosis and shame. But what does Joey say back? Today, we give him answers and a script that provides him various options to fill in those awkward, post mouth coital moments. Here you go Joey. These are free. Use them, don’t lose them, feel free to abuse them:
 We're ready to write for Hollywood today. After gifting a scab-written opening monologue masterpiece for people who call themselves “late night hosts” (as if they’re holding an after-hours dinner party where they’d actually invite someone like you), the Intergalactic Business Report was saddened by our response rate of zero.
As the Writers Guild of America votes to approve an agreement, we make a final plea to movie studios to end negotiations and extend the strike so that our group of barely and non-paid writers have a shot at not being paid by them too. To achieve this, we are pitching a number of show trajectories we would gladly write for some of our favorite programs that were being held hostage. Instead of playing catch up, just take our ideas that are steady and ready. It’s not too late. So, here you go. They’re free. We re-write popular shows stuck in production. Suck on this, paid writers. Severance. We flip the show and now it’s about how the writers are severed from writing the show. Similar to Adam Scott’s character, they get super drunk and forget what the fuck they’re doing or why they cared. Silo. The silo is actually a huge toilet. Most of season two is it flushing. Too Hot to Handle. Since the only written material is the robot and the female comic commenting on contestants’ horniness, we just have someone go, “Dammmn” every few minutes. SNL. Obviously, you can’t have any guest hosts because those motherfuckers are going to “stand with the writers” as if they’re all at the Alamo but it’s air-conditioned and the only Mexicans are doing yard work and not attacking them. Anyway… We do a Colin Jost fashion show (no words, just outfits) and then some really unfunny (and non-scripted) in-absentia public trials of republican politicians done entirely by lawyers. Big Sky. Country music star Jason Aldean silently hunts Jenny Hoyt and Beau Arlen. The script is just: FADE IN: Ext. Woods-day. Jason Aldean silently hunts Jenny Hoyt and Beau Arlen. Just to make it all work, they’ve had they’re vocal cords removed, but we don’t know why. They just look like they’re about to say something, then grab their throats in pain, and shake their head, no. Then Aldean shoots at them, and they run. The Drew Barrymore Show. Poor Drew. Who knew she needed writers to have conversations with celebrities about how hard it is to be a celebrity? We help her out by turning her show into an hour-long apology where she just cries and does stream of consciousness sorry saying to the audience. Adam Devine. This is a personal message to Devine, who, because he’s in every single Netflix movie produced, directed, and, of course, written by someone’s cousin or dude who “wants to be a writer and they bought my screenplay!” (we’re just guessing), is suffering most. Hang in there, dude. Remember that a writer can write the line, “What?” But only you can deliver it as “Whhhaaaaaaat?” That’s you taking a word out of the English language and making it your own. Our advice is, during the strike, work on other words, like “Buuuuuuuttttt….” and, “turnip.” Not sure how you’d do that last one but you’re the master. Porky Pig. Never would go on strike. Holding strong and just stuttering like a motherfucker. No re-writes for you, noble swine. |
AboutWe name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much. Archives
April 2025
Categories |
RSS Feed