 Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise is the biggest platform for middle-aged women getting drunk and screaming at each other since the View, and gifts each one of its stars a personal tagline that exemplifies their very being.
As the show expands to new cities and spinoffs, the Intergalactic Business Report gives cast members original, totally free taglines they can use immediately. Hurry, before a new housewife claims one of these, below: “Not only do I do cocaine, I’m addicted to it.” “The only time you’ll shut me up is when I deepthroat this whole show.” “Give me a solid gold dildo, and I’ll do anal.” “Looks, money, fame… It doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have money.” “Call me shallow but my vagina is deeper than Deepak Chopra.” “FBI stands for Fabulous Beyond Infinity. And I’m under 24-hour surveillance.” “You can tap my phone for free, but you’ll need money if you want to tap this ass.” “I’m so drunk…” “That stanky scent you’re smelling is my success.”  Squid Game is an international phenomenon exporting Korean culture and entertainment to the world while making an uncanny critique of capitalism. But already there have been questions about whether the program leans too heavily on Korean customs and traditions that translate poorly to other countries. For example, what the fuck are they eating? And why is everyone except the Indian guy Korean?
As the entertainment industry scrambles to do domestic versions of the show, we help them along by giving them concepts that will fit their culture. You’re welcome. SQUID GAME VERSION: Germany. NEW TITLE: Tintenfischzusammenspiel PLOT: The game takes place in a factory where players must engineer and mass produce waffle machines, which are then sold to everyone in the United States, who say stuff like, “Wow this waffle machine is from Germany. It must be amazing.” SQUID GAME VERSION: UNITED STATES. NEW TITLE: Waffle Machine panic. PLOT: The day after Thanksgiving, contestants must kill one another for German waffle machines, so they can tell their friends they got one and then tell the story of how they did it. “I fucking killed a guy.” SQUID GAME VERSION: FRANCE. NEW TITLE: Don’t shoot. PLOT: Game participants talk all kinds of shit about how they’re going to win but when the first contest is presented, they immediately surrender. SQUID GAME VERSION: ICELAND. NEW TITLE: Lazy Town. PLOT: Participants play with actual squids. And there’s no violence. Even to the squids, which are quickly released back into the ocean. SQUID GAME VERSION: ENGLAND. NEW TITLE: Poppycock. PLOT: It’s a death-murder contest between the polite British people who apologize to you and talk with their mouths closed like a ventriloquist, and the other ones who sound like Michael Caine and want to kill you. SQUID GAME VERSION: SAUDI ARABIA. NEW TITLE: Tuesday. PLOT: Basically, just a regular Tuesday in Saudi Arabia, where people hide their faces with masks, get their hands cut off for stealing, and are stoned to death for sexual preference. The twist is that this time it’s a “game.”  By now, most Americans are sick of Christmas television programming featuring romantic storylines and tales of holiday wishes coming true. After holding back for several years, hoping networks would come up with it on their own, the Intergalactic Business Report finally gives up and tells the entertainment industry, for free, what they really should be doing. What is that, you ask meekly? We’ll tell you. Hardcore Xmas reality shows. We list some of our best concepts below. Oh. You’re welcome.
The hunt for the real Santa Claus. In this limited series, hosted by Luiz Guzman, teams of Santa hunters scour the globe for the location of the actual Santa Claus. Following leads by unintelligible old villagers, rune stones, and shit they find on the internet, each episode pumps up viewers to expect that there will be an imminent capture of a crusty, ancient man, who may or may not be St. Nick. In the end, it doesn’t matter if they find him, because the chases and takedowns of innocent Santa suspects is worth the ride. Stripper elves: Atlanta. This Xmas (get it?) Santa’s elves are for hire and this time they’re adult performers. Get in on the action as NBA players and music artists crowd pop-up holiday-themed strip clubs and spend like 250K on lap dances. We follow elves Delmira, Fuscia, and Success as they navigate the crazy world of manufactured situations involving them stripping for money. 4,000 pound Christmas. Starring 10 random overweight people, 4k lb Xmas is not a weight loss show but a weight gain show. Two teams compete to see if they can overindulge enough on the holidays to break the scales at four thousand pounds. Will the team from Wisconsin be able to engulf enough cheese, jerky, and beer to attain victory, or will those fat asses from the Bronx do it again with all those calzones and cannoli? It’s anyone’s game (if you’re super fat and would actually do this, which, you’d be surprised, a lot of people will). Bugs ate my brain (on Christmas) This horrifying reality series focuses on people with deadly diseases where invasive species eat them from the inside out. And it takes place at Christmas.  After offering several states awesome ideas for stereotypical vaccine lottery prizes, the Intergalactic Business Report continues its list of totally free concepts for the states of Illinois through Mississippi.
State governments, feel free to use these. You’re welcome. Illinois: You get fucked by a Kielbasa. Not for everyone. Indiana: A “Flowers for Algernon” themed prize features a special brain hormone injection that transforms you into just above legally mentally incapable of caring for yourself, making you the “Einstein of Indiana.” Iowa: Your meat gets packed. Kansas: Free hypnosis to make you think for a few minutes that you’re not living in the middle of nowhere in a place nobody ever thinks about and that your life is the equivalent of a single white butt cheek, alone and half-assed. Kentucky: A racehorse carries you to your cousin’s house to see your estranged children who think you’re their crazy drunk uncle. Louisiana: Four week courses in elocution and enunciation so that humans outside Louisiana can decipher what the fuck you just said. Maine: Three minutes alone with a Lobster, no questions asked, no judgments made, no charges pressed. Maryland: Weekend “the Wire” experience where you get a burner phone but are disillusioned by the system that created the vaccine lottery because it’s ineffective and corrupt. Massachusetts: Free speech therapy to help you pronounce words. Michigan: An overweight militia man kills you because you got vaccinated. Minnesota: Hey der! Super! You betcha! (That’s all you get.) Mississippi: Same as Maine (above) only with a muskrat.  You may have noticed that the car parked next to you at Costco has a bumper sticker stating the owner’s intention to physically assault anyone who touches his car or asks other drivers to keep honking while he reloads his gun.
In an act of supreme human empathy and understanding, the Intergalactic Business Report attempts to bring aggressive bumper sticker users to an even higher threat level by giving them, for free, brand new, unused bumper sticker concepts they can have today. Print these up and stick them on your truck before everyone has one saying: 1. “Willing to go to prison for the rest of my life for murdering someone who accidentally scrapes my door.” 2. “If you cut me off, I will bump your car off the road, pull you out, and cut your head off.” 3. “I am an unstable psychopath. Think about that when I murder you for no reason.” 4. “If you hit my car with my kids in it, I will assault you and go to jail because I love my kids so much I think it will be better for them to grow up without a father like me.” 5. “I’m a good parent. That’s why I will kill people who displease me in front of my children.” 6. “Attention police. I have a loaded gun in here and I will use it to kill motorists who get too close to me or use their horns.” 7. “I have bodies in my trunk. Is yours next?” 8. “My last girlfriend didn’t like my driving. I shot her. So don’t tailgate me.” 9. “I murdered a valet parker. What do you think I’d do to you?” 10. “Registered Sex Offender.” 11. “Every time I assault another driver, my penis size grows two inches in my mind.” 12. “One percent John Wayne, 99% John Wayne Gacy.”  If states take our advice, this dude might be vaccinated. When we heard that West Virginia was offering shotguns to people who get vaccinated, we immediately thought, Yeah, it’s West Virginia. They’d do that. Then we decided to offer, free of charge, incentive ideas for every state.
State governments, feel free to use these. You’re welcome. Vaccine incentives: Alabama-Idaho. Alabama: Free cousin fucking lessons. Alaska: A snow mobile that kills animals with built in guns and protruding blades (also has a flatbed for forbidden sex between dudes stuck in a cabin together for six months at a mining camp). Arizona: Golfcarts that can take your body straight to a funeral home when you’re finally ready. Arkansas: Corn cob pipes that make you want to fuck your cousins. California: A blow job from that girl/guy in that late 90’s Cinemax movie where they didn’t show blow jobs. Colorado: A talking bong that says really laid-back sounding shit belying a deep sense of entitlement and rage. Connecticut: 30,000 off your child’s first week of prep school. Delaware: A five-dollar bill, because that’s what you give people when you know nothing about them but you need to give them a gift but not a big one—maybe just five bucks or something? Florida: A ladder to escape from your sinkhole and a vial of crack for when you get out. Georgia: A coupon that gives you a one-time chance to fuck your sister. Hawaii: You live in Hawaii. What the fuck else do you want? A trip to Hawaii? Idaho: A spot at the underground doomsday colony (you need to bring a woman to repopulate and a shit load of water or it’s invalid). Up for grabs: IBR unveils new slate of show concepts for HGTV. Will they be smart and take them?4/16/2021  As the Home and Garden Television Network continues to expand its lineup, we noticed they are open to just about anything so long as it's roughly about places where someone could maybe live or whatever.
In what can only be considered an act of pure altruism, the Intergalactic Business Report gives, for free, a brand-new slate of show concepts to HGTV. These boundary-breaking series could take the network to a new level of something, so we recommend they grab them now. SHOW TITLE: “Buy it or scorch it.” CONCEPT: Host David Visentin goes solo and offers pyromaniac buyers a choice to either buy a house or burn it to the ground. Will they decide to move into the four-bedroom, three-bath with the chef’s kitchen? Or will they take a match and gaze into the flames as their dream home becomes a pile of ash? SHOW TITLE: “Wall unit.” CONCEPT: Crews compete to see who can add the most external air conditioners to houses and apartments. That’s pretty much it. SHOW TITLE: “Secret Sex Dungeon.” CONCEPT: Did you know a sex dungeon can add value to your home? Host Jonathan Knight helps clients design clandestine pleasure chambers for their basements because there’s no way he hasn’t done that before. SHOW TITLE: “Hide my stash.” CONCEPT: Drug lords hire designers to build hidden rooms where they can store their illegal narcotics and weapons. We’re thinking David Bromstad for this because of the potential for “break the ice” tattoo conversations to open the show. SHOW TITLE: “Home today, gone tomorrow.” CONCEPT: Hosts Ben and Erin Napier go to dilapidated neighborhoods and towns and restore them to their original beauty. Then, professional arsonists arrive to burn everything down in a tribute to living in the moment. SHOW TITLE: “Tunnel into My Neighbor’s House.” CONCEPT: Homeowners build tunnels into their neighbors’ houses. The catch? Their neighbors are building a tunnel into theirs at the same time. Who will get there first? (The winner assumes control of the home and all its contents including pets and human beings.)  As we slowly return to normalcy after a world-wide pandemic, most of us have one thing in mind—what should I name my new porn site so that it reflects the optimism of the new age upon us?
In 2020, we gave you the names of available Coronavirus sex domains. In a shift, the Intergalactic Business Report now lets you know what post COVID-19 site names are up for grabs. 1. While the sublime hotbeefinjection.com will probably never be available, other vaccine-themed domain names remain, such as hotvaccineinjection.com and even vaccinesex.com. Inject these into your sex domain name library before supplies run out. 2. Coronaboner.com was snatched up immediately in 2020, but postcoronaboner.com is standing erect and ready for you to take it. 3. Again with the vaccines, we were hoping to find secondshot.com as an option, but it’s probably a Web site about addiction recovery and not sex. Instead, look at the totally wide open twoshotsonyourface.com, which is a little longer but also leaves no question that a second shot has nothing to do with becoming a better person. 4. During the height of the pandemic, covid69.com was a prime name (and also unavailable) but now you can turn to open domain names like nomasksex.com and our favorite: herdimmunityorgy.com. You herd it here first. Don’t miss the orgy this time.  With the spike in COVID-19 cases around the country, many of our holiday plans have changed from large family gatherings to just you. In the wake of this, the Intergalactic Business Report is providing eleven super fun things you can do on your own to celebrate. These are so great you may even decide to have Thanksgiving alone every year!
ELEVEN THINGS TO DO ALONE THIS THANKSGIVING: 1. Finally figure out how to felate yourself. You’ve talked about it. You said if you could you do it, you’d never leave the house. But when’s the last time you really tried? We mean, really really tried? And now you can’t leave the house anyway. 2. We tried to think of something else, but we kept going back to the thing about trying to suck your own dick. So we guess that’s only one thing you can do this Thanksgiving. 3. We promised eleven things. But that’s not going to happen. So maybe start stretching or something so you can try to do the first thing on our list. 4. A note about item number one. When we look up the word, “felate” in the dictionary, it’s not there. So feel free to change that word to “suck your own dick.” 5. When we said “eleven” things that was pretty ambitious. Now we’re thinking that was stupid. Note to ourselves: When you write an article where you list a bunch of things, you should probably have more than one idea on that list. 6. Please refer to number one. Go back and read it again. Thank you. 7. We made it to number seven. Not bad considering we only had one idea of what to do by yourself on Thanksgiving and that idea was to give yourself a blowjob. 8. Since we control this writing, we may just go back and make the title, “8 things you can do if you’re having Thanksgiving alone this year.” But since we already made it to eight, there are only a few left and we feel like we can pull it out. 9. If you’re still reading this you haven’t figured out how to felate yourself yet. Right? Or are you waiting till you’re done with this article and then you’re going to have at it? 10. Do you even know anyone who’s been able to suck his own dick? Seriously? You should call him and ask him how he did it. 11. O.K. So, that’s the other thing you can do. Call your friend who says he figured out how to suck his own dick.  According to the Wall Street Journal, “It’s Just Lunch offers clients a chance to get acquainted over lunch. The firm does all the work, making reservations, clearing the matches with customers. All couples have to do is show up."
The concept sounds great and the company promises they use real professional matchmakers* to pair couples for lunch dates where they can see each other for the first time, without having previewed pictures of one of them without his shirt on in front of a mirror. Our branding team appreciates the idea behind It’s Just Lunch, but feels it’s time for a slight re-brand in which the company takes a look at how to more realistically portray themselves to their clients and the public. Below we list 15 improved company names we feel will get to the core of what they deliver. Take these today before a competitor snatches them up. It’s just lunch sex. It’s just awkward. It’s just not going to work. It just about time for me to go to my made-up nephew’s birthday and you’re not invited. It’s just a contrived situation manufactured by a dating site. It’s just the opening scene to a porn. It’s just uncomfortable. It’s just lunch where a guy asks you if you want to have sex with him. It’s just weird sex in a Taco Bell Restroom. It’s just that thing you did because you told yourself you were going to start saying yes to stuff and then afterwards you realized why you always said no to them. It’s just knowing that the dude you met up with totally thinks he’s going to pork you. It’s just like tinder, only it’s at lunch. It’s just the tip. It’s just in the sense that this is justice for all the times you randomly hooked up with people and didn’t have to sit through lunch with them. It’s just time to have that thing on your dick checked out. It’s just what Ted Bundy would do if he did internet dating. *We assume professional matchmakers studied matchmaking at a university in the Southeast Athletic Conference, because that’s a major there. |
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