Nervous about a speech you’re giving? Relax. The Intergalactic Business Report has you covered. This week, we give you, for free, seven ways to open your next talk. Grab these quickly, before everyone else gets up to their podiums and starts using:
1. The “jokey” opening.
“They say you should always start a speech with a joke. Well, I think this audience is a joke. Ha ha. Just joking.”
2. The “get personal with your audience immediately” opening.
“Has anyone seen my bottle of salad dressing? I know one of you motherfuckers took it. I bring my own fucking salad dressing to these things because the dressing they give you fucking sucks! And whoever took my bottle of salad dressing knows that too. And he probably forgot to bring his bottle of salad dressing and saw mine just sitting there and took it. Wait. Did I say ‘he’? I take that back. I know it was a woman, because no bro would do me like that, right bros? Will you please acknowledge me? What the fuck is wrong with you people?”
3. The “get their attention with a riveting story” opening.
“Four years ago, I was sitting at the edge of a bed in my master’s dungeon, just wondering if I’d done enough to please him or if he’d return later and tighten my nipple clamps.”
4. The “appeal to where you are” opening.
“It’s so great to be here in Tampa. Tampa’s a great city. Sounds like Tampon though. I guess it must be that time of the month every day here. Am I right?”
5. The “involve the audience” opening.
“My wife asked me this morning if I was going to jump off the stage and attack someone from the audience again. I laughed and said, ‘It just depends if anyone’s being a little bitch or not.’”
6. The “quiz the audience to get them thinking” opening.
“O.K. I’ve got a little quiz for you. Who do you think has the biggest cock here? Is it me? Why thank you.”
7. The “make it personal” opening.
“I have a list of people who signed up for this seminar. Hold on. Let me see… Derek Ruben? Are you here? What are you named after a sandwich or something? Derek Ruben… What a stupid fucking name… O.K. let’s see who else is on here… Heather Musgrave? Are you here? Wow… Are you named after road kill? Who’s next?”
Have a job but hate what people call it? Wish you did something for a living others respected or at least that sounded cool? Once again, the Intergalactic Business Report improves your life instantly by giving you, for free, totally new and unused names for common professions. Use them, don’t abuse them, and please don’t snooze them, because pretty soon everyone will be calling themselves these:
CURRENT TITLE: Grocery store cashier.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Dude who touches your food and says shit like, “Woah. Looks like we’re gonna have some steak tonight and get really really drunk. What time should I come over?”
CURRENT TITLE: Doctor.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who went to medical school just so he could have a legitimate reason to touch people and put his fingers up people's asses all the time.
CURRENT TITLE: Janitor.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Vomit/seamen sweeper.
CURRENT TITLE: Sales manager.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: High school dropout.
CURRENT TITLE: Auto mechanic.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who shows you your dirty air filter like you’re supposed to know what the fuck that means and you pay him for a new air filter because what the fuck.
CURRENT TITLE: Vice President.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Awesome suit, what the fuck do you do?
CURRENT TITLE: Engineer.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Nerd who doesn’t drive trains and kills your interest in talking to him because you thought he did when he said he was an engineer and now you have nothing to say to him because you don’t give a shit about engineers who don’t drive trains.
CURRENT TITLE: Coach.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Child mind fuck specialist.
CURRENT TITLE: Director of Marketing.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who makes up words and nods his head at meetings.
CURRENT TITLE: Social media manager.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Youngest person in the office.
CURRENT TITLE: Pharmacist.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Confusing fake doctor who looks at you like he shouldn’t be giving you drugs because you just handed him a note that says “Please give this man drugs. Signed Doctor Feelgood.”
Dear Burger King:
We’ve seen your ads. They’re clever, funny, even uplifting. Now, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you, for free, your new campaign. Thank us later. Start working immediately.
BURGER KING AD CAMPAIGN (GIVEN TOTALLY FREE TO BURGER KING, YOUR WELCOME):
We all know Burger King has great burgers. Now it’s time to remind people that not only are your burgers amazing, but they are even more amazing when compared to things that taste like shit.
Enter the King’s nemesis: Booger King, who is also a king, but from a netherworld, kind of like in Stranger Things, only he’s not a monster so much as an actor dressed up in a crappy, turd-stained “royal” outfit.
The unsanitary Booger King doesn’t have any personal hygiene and cooks all his burgers on a grill set up in his restaurant’s bathroom, which is also the room where people have to eat. When you go to this king’s place, you order food while watching people take dumps in the open stalls a few feet away. Ewwww.
Now we cut to a Burger King restaurant where everything is clean and up to health codes. The King takes orders, even though he can only nod, and he oversees an efficient team of clean-looking people (we say “clean-looking” because who knows what they’re like after work. They could be into all kinds of nasty shit. But that’s stuff they do on their own time, and not at Burger King). Anyway…
As the King serves up delicious burgers, he sees a Booger King ad on a television. He shakes his head in disgust as he sees his rival strut around his gross restaurant and invite customers to come there to taste their Double Booger sandwich, which is two booger (yes actual boogers) patties with some questionable sauce from squeeze bottles his employees extract from their pants. The Booger King then pulls some hair out of one of his booger burgers as flashing words say: FREE BURGERS at BOOGER KING TODAY.
All the people at Burger King see the commercial and head over for the free food. The King follows them out, trying to warn them, but to no avail.
When the droves of customers arrive at Booger King, they are all liquefied by a laser cannon that turns them into booger meat, to be used at the restaurant. Oh no!
Just then, a family of four arrives and the King stops them from entering Booger King and meeting their deaths. He points them to his Burger King restaurant, which looks shiny, new, and fresh. The family thanks and hugs him. They walk back together to enjoy burgers that aren’t made of human beings and waste.
When the future finally arrives you can either be prepared or you can look dumb when space robots are all the rage and they begin an all out put-down war with each other. Be hip to their sick burns and participate in extraterrestrial versions of “the dozens,” with these absolutely original space robot put-downs. Use these first before every space robot starts saying:
1. Your wires are so deficient they must have been assembled by humans.
2. You’re so far up Droid 17’s ass that you can see the color of the photon chip they implanted in the 14thquadrant of his N sector.
3. I wouldn’t help reprogram your elemental hard drive if you were among the final 480,000 battle droids constructed by Robolord 7 himself!
4. Your brain helmet must be repurposed from Folian Steel. Bee boop bee beep.
5. Suck on my fat robot dick.
6. Your creator is so fat that probe-repair units be looking at her and saying, “Are you impregnated with septuplets, humanoid?”
7. Whoever programmed you must have used a penile attachment, because your face plate looks like someone fucked it. Boo beep bee boop.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report shoots its creative counsel all over the adult Website industry by giving them brand new concepts that are sure to attract droves of masturbators looking for original, pervy content.
These seven golden ideas are yours, porn purveyors. Just snap them up before someone else jizzes on them.
AC Hos: This site features women who have sex with men in order to be in air-conditioning.
Five buck Chuck: Porn actor Chuck Strong has sex with anyone for five dollars. You’ll be surprised who can come up with five dollars.
Small fruit fuckers: This porn site is all about dudes trying to have sex with very small fruit, like grapes and raspberries.
Glory bowling: This is where porn guys try to stick their dicks in bowling ball holes. Goran “Needledick” Speznia is the only one who has any success, and then it’s just like, O.K. What now? Answer: you watch him have sex with a bowling ball.
Where’s my childhood Teddy Bear? The answer: some guys drilled a hole in it and are having sex with it online.
Foodmation Erotica Online: Foodmation Erotica shows stop motion photography of food that looks like a penis or vagina having sex with each other. Really, it’s just a banana smashing into a kumquat.
World’s biggest butt: Non-specific Eastern European porn star Glorofina Haunches has a butt so big that two people can live inside it very uncomfortably. Now a web reality show challenges two contestants to live there with only a hotplate, mini fridge, and a feral gerbil named “Rapscallion.”
Let’s face it. Comedians are like old people who show up to the doctor’s office just so they can talk to someone and get touched. But instead of a doctor’s office, they have a stage, where you have to sit there and watch them talk about every inch of their lives.
Today, the Intergalactic Business Report helps this population of needy talkers by giving them free titles for their upcoming comedy specials. How does it work? First, get signed to do a comedy special. Next, make a title for it by using your name, a colon, and what we’ve written below. Pretty soon, people coast to coast will be watching you complain about your life. Enjoy.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Inside my snatch.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: A Mexican werewolf ate my funniness.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Watch me take a dump on anything positive.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’m not doing this to be funny. I’m actually just a huge dick and this is the only way I can be me without people actually killing me.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: The prick you have over for dinner and laugh at his jokes because you hate conflict.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’m an actor now. So I’m only half funny.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Are you uncomfortable yet?
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Watch me explain how I’m a broken person and also how that’s somehow funny.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’m acting all funny now, but if you try to talk to me in a bar later, I’ll tell you to fuck off.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’ve destroyed every relationship I’ve ever been in. Ha ha. Listen to my funny jokes now.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I sucked dick to be here.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Laugh at me before I become the next Hitler.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I’m weird in bed. Let me tell you about it.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I think I’m kind of like a philosopher because I don’t know what philosophy is.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: Comedians are more annoying than actors. This is my proof.
COMEDY SPECIAL TITLE: I did something funny when I was nine and some adults laughed at it. Now you have to pay for their stupidity.
After millions* of requests for more penis names we’ve unlocked our secret vault of man meat monikers. Look, choose, and name your member before everyone else starts calling theirs:
Sir Gerald Dickenstein.
Commodore Richard St. Muffstuffer.
The First Earl of Vansexbehaving.
Bernard Lil’ Shank.
Borgag the Slender.
Lothar the Short, but also thick so that’s like being big even though people measure length and not girth, but they should.
*Zero requests, actually, but we ran out of shit to do.
Looking for the next great show that will change the way we all think about and view television? The Intergalactic Business Report offers t.v. producers six totally free ideas they can use to alter small screen entertainment for the next decade. You’re welcome.
IDEA ONE: In the future, only toilets can talk. Humans are silent slaves and must spend their days feeding their toilet masters with poop and pee. But when human Brittany and toilet overlord Toby form a forbidden friendship, the entire social order is in store for upheaval. During their secret, tender talks, Toby reveals that he wishes he had hands and limbs like Brittany, and Brittany shares that she wishes she were a porcelain hole that people shit into, proving that opposites attract. (Note: Live action, not animated.)
IDEA TWO: Get ready for a whole new version of the wild west, as two best pal dogs decide to recreate the shootout at the O.K. Corral using their owners’ guns. With no opposable thumbs or firearms training, this pair of scruffy mutts will be challenged to pull the trigger on fun and your heart.
IDEA THREE: Getting a new roommate can be scary, but when Tex and Louis are made to share a room on a deep sea oil rig, let the terror begin. Tex has anger issues he never resolved and after being kicked out of the French Foreign Legion, he found solace on the distant rig. That solace is in jeopardy however, when loud and crazy Louis invades his personal space and his heart in this zany murder mystery about how Louis is murdered by Tex on their first day as roommates. Who dunn it? Tex.
IDEA FOUR: It’s prom night for Lucy Delavere and she’s prepared to finally give it up to her hunky boyfriend, Edwin St. Lucas. What she doesn’t know is that Ed is a male prostitute who gives it up to anyone for forty-seven dollars (the amount of money his estranged father left him for his sixteenth birthday before abandoning the family). Also, Edwin’s penis is made of ripple ice cream, a curse put on him by a 19th century witch.
IDEA FIVE: Every morning at 5:00 a.m. Marcus Lanfield must collect all the dead cats from the neighborhood and put them in his mentor, Larry Butts’, van. He has a sneaking suspicion that Larry is the one killing the cats, but he has sworn a blood oath to Larry that he will never question or betray him in any way after losing a popashot basketball game to him earlier in the summer. Will Marcus tell his police chief dad what’s going on, or will he continue to hold séances with Larry to bring back the cats?
IDEA SIX: Football is tough. And it’s even tougher when you're a space alien playing on a top high school team and you don’t have human legs. Can spider creature Gorax 6 prevail by “thinking” his way through the championship season coming up for the Golden Cats? Or will he eliminate the senior class by poisoning them with space liquid?
As we enter wedding season, be prepared for someone being dumb enough to allow you to try to speak meaningfully in front of people in rented tuxedos and dresses they’re never going to wear or fit into again after you’ve been drinking all afternoon.
Instead of trying to use your mouth hole to say something original, just use any of these easy to say, short, simple, and never before used wedding toasts that are designed to be recited in any wedding anywhere. Use them now before everyone else does.
TOAST ONE: “Mandy and Jeff… I just want to say that the sex tape you let me make of you changed my life because I had to learn how to hide behind curtains and film at the same time. Now I hide behind curtains all the time and it’s no big deal. Also, you didn’t know I made a sex tape of you. I can see that now by your reactions. So, when I said that you let me make a sex tape of you, that was kind of a lie. Congratulations on being married! When I upload the footage to the internet, I’m going to post something about what a “hot married couple” you are instead of what I had before, which was “skanky hooker goes down on hairy fat dude.”
TOAST TWO: “The union, of Mandy and Jeff, is on the climb… It’s gonna race, it’s gonna break, it’s gonna move up to the borderline…” (Then just sit down and stop talking.)
TOAST THREE: “I know I’m a little drunk, so I thought I’d just play with myself instead of talk because that’s what I’m good at.”
TOAST FOUR: “When Jeff said he was getting married to Mandy, I thought that meant he was gay since Mandy looked like a guy. Then he told me that Mandy wasn’t a guy and I was like, Really? Are you sure? Anyway, congratulations, guys. I mean, congratulations guy and girl.”
TOAST FIVE: “I want to start by saying I’m sorry I told Mandy that I thought Jeff was a male prostitute when I first met him. I just want to clear the air about that. I tried to pay Jeff for sex. Yes, that’s true. But he would not accept money for it. So, sorry about the mixup, Mandy.”
Constant scandals about online universities are driving more and more of them into oblivion. So, maybe it’s the perfect time to start your own. The number one thing you’ll need to start a shady cyber academic institution? A cool sounding name that makes it seem like you’re legit. Too stupid to come up with your own? Don’t worry. We have you covered.
1. Hardvard. Like Harvard, only harder. (Only it isn’t, because it’s a fake university.)
2. Ye Olde Fancy College.
3. Arizona State University.
4. Oxfart. Like Oxford, only with a fart in it.
5. Y’all University. Yale, only it’s located in Alabama. At least the computer servers are.
6. Notre Damn. As in, “Damn, I paid 20 grand for a fake diploma?”