 If you are one of the six or seven readers of the Intergalactic Business Report, you know that Taco Bell is a massive part of our existence. That’s why the recent bad news about our food hero’s battle with cyclospora, a parasite that causes explosive diarrhea, has us in knots of despair for Taco Bell’s future as well as knots in our stomach probably caused from eating their food.
Because no other publication has the expertise or courage, we proudly pool all our intellectual resources to save Taco Bell from this crisis with 4 unassailable public relations initiatives that will not only turn the tables for the Mexicanish food giant but also turn the meat hose back on again—hopefully forever. To our friends at Taco Bell, heed our totally free advice, below. You’re welcome. 4 PR concepts to save Taco Bell from the explosive diarrhea crisis: 1. Face it, embrace it. Call the explosive diarrhea “Dorito Loco Diarrhea” and charge more for it. This classic move of “owning” and “embracing” the issue allows Taco Bell to get ahead of criticism about providing food that causes you to shit your pants by pretending you meant to do it all along and then adding value to it. This plays on the Taco Bell motto of “live Mas” by suggesting that if you’re going to shit your pants, do it big, and make it count. 2. James Dean as new spokesman. Drawing from the coolness of James Dean, Taco Bell digitally exhumes the cultural icon to deliver a message to cool, Gen-whatevers everywhere. The premise is simple: if James Dean were alive today, he would insouciantly eat Taco Bell in the same way he’d accept a deadly racing challenge from some asshole. AD CONCEPT: OPEN TO: Digital James Dean on a dark night as he opens a Taco Bell bag and munches on an cyclospora-laced BURRITO. As we pull away, we see a mob of teenagers preparing for a drag race through a narrow mountain pass. Digital James Dean takes another bite and looks unbothered by his tough-guy opponent, who taunts him in the distance. The BAG is placed on the hood of a car as Dean walks to his own ride. He winks to a cheerleader type who is secretly rooting for him. CUT TO: James Dean starting his car and staring at YOU. The cheerleader stands between his car and his rival’s as she will signal when the race begins. James Dean gets a strange look on his face and a large farting noise is heard. Then he stares at YOU with a look of both satisfaction and extreme discomfort. The sound of cars screeching their tires overwhelms the audio as we fade to black. The new tagline appears in knockout type: “Live fast, die young, leave a good-looking stain.” 3. “Puedos Taco Bell?” Give the cyclospora parasite a sombrero and a personality. Just like the famous chihuahua who said, “Yo quiero Taco Bell,” Parásito, a cute insect who lives in Taco Bell lettuce invites you with his borderline (get it?) offensive stereotype accent to join him on an adventure where you shit your pants because of him. He stretches as he wakes up in a bed of tainted lettuce, hands some of it to a Taco Bell worker, and then says to YOU: “Puedos Con Taco Bell?” As the parasite grows in popularity, the door is open for cuter and more bowel crushing insects to enhance your products (see below). 4. “What’s your Taco Bell cyclospora story?” Lean on user generated content through social media by asking Taco Bell customers their personal stories about getting diarrhea from eating your products. As content creators try to top each other, they will eat more Taco Bell in hopes of garnering better and more “explosive” stories. Not only will this give Taco Bell a reading on where they have contaminated food but eventually the videos will become disappointed customers who aren’t shitting their pants, and THAT’S when you introduce a NEW parasite that causes you to blow out your ass at an even LARGER scale. Pretty soon, Taco Bell will be the leader in parasitic food, with competitors racing to infect their products.  One day, the world woke up to find that the Republic of Turkey was now something called Türkiye. Also, the Czech Republic is now Czechia—not to be confused with Chechnya, which is kind of like if the United States changed its name to United American Emirates.
As the World Cup continues, we offer countries who have not forced us to repronounce their names an opportunity to do so before it’s too late and nobody gives a shit anymore. Below, we present to them, totally free of charge, new country titles they can have right now. Take them. Don’t break them. Your new names make them (say that like Yoda or it doesn’t work). Country re-pronunciations you can force everyone to say. Germany. Germaneeeeeeé. United Kingdom. Unkingdome. Borneo. Boner-oh. Brazil. Brozill hoes won’t. Argentina. Arrrgh and Tina. Azerbaijan. Azerbaijaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. Canada. Kaanadeen. People’s Republic of China. Asian Foot Massage Center. Italy. Italeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. (Keep going till you pass out). Costa Rica. Costco rebate.  West and Amanda face a wavy future together. On a recent episode of Watch What Happens Live, host Andy Cohen asked Bravo Summer House star Lindsay Hubbard about the sex scandal between castmates Amanda Batula and West Wilson. After some standard answers about when she knew what, Lindsay demurred when posed with how she, in her former role as a publicist, would advise the two.
She contended that she wouldn’t take them as clients and that her only advice would be not to do what they did. To which we at the Intergalactic Business Report say, what a shitty publicist Lindsay must have been. If you’re new to the show, West, whose pouty marionette puppet looks and gay/homeless/someone’s grandmother fashion sense once brought him attention, girls, and a spot on the show, is now faced with becoming known as the shirtless dude with erect nipples who looks like he’s going to cry all the time and maybe try to bang someone’s wife. Whoops. Too late. Amanda (the wife he bangs), shapeshifts at the mercy of editors who portray her as a fun but judgmental mean girl, a laid back pothead, a girl’s girl who’s a neglected wife, a neglectful wife, and now, a conniving cuckolder. But don’t worry, West and Amanda. We have solid suggestions for how to handle your unfortunate dilemma and we list them, free of charge, below: West Wilson, Concept One: “Wild West” Wilson—Pussy Hunter. Lean into your ability to seduce and destroy women who look like they wouldn’t talk to you in high school by offering courses explaining how the fuck you do that. Male audiences will be interested in your techniques much more than questions about your morality, so get on a platform like Master Class where you can present a six part series in which you teach them how to mope in front of girls, insinuate yourself in their lives, break up with them, do an interview with the New York Times, and then tell them you miss being best friends with them, all while you’re porking multiple other women. Focus on your “mope a dope” method, by which you mope so hard around women they get such a false since of security and standards that they have sex with you. Amanda Batula, Concept One: Pussy Hunter Prey. Marry West and make him the unhappiest, most morose man in the world. When he inevitably divorces you, it will all be on him and you can say he tricked you into the whole thing using his moping skills (see above). You’re just another victim of the pussy hunter. West Wilson, Concept Two: “I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it.” Teach showgirls how to keep their nipples hard without ice cubes, unless that’s actually how you do it. Amanda Batula, Concept Two: Foreign baby farmer. Adopt a baby from a war-torn country so that when anyone asks you a question about the scandal you can just look down at him/her in your arms and say you have more important things to think about right now, like, for instance, little Changa here. Watch reporters melt with insecurity over their inherent racism and pettiness. West Wilson, Concept Three: Robin Williams rebirth. Reboot “Mrs. Doubtfire,” only it’s just you dressed up like an old woman who takes her shirt off a lot. Amanda Batula, Concept Three: Beach wear for hunchbacks. Create a bikini line for disfigured people. Watch reporters melt with insecurity over their inherent ableism and pettiness. West Wilson, Concept Four: Lowered expectations. Be a “Crypto Dude,” so no one has any expectations for you other than that you’re a giant prick. Get a Ferrari. Pay for a license plate that says “CRYPTOKNG” and just keep being you without any of the consequences.  Original music on reality shows is evolving as songs are now tailored for the exact situation and mood contestants find themselves in. With titles like, “First time I fell in love” and, “Have we gone too far,” curated lyrics and titles match what’s happening and are the perfect complement to the action.
With this in mind, the Intergalactic Business Report offers totally free song titles to the reality television industry. Just add music. New song titles for reality t.v. scenes that will perfectly set the mood. “Gonna find out you were just acting normal to get on this show but now I have to live with you in an apartment for three weeks and listen to you scream at me.” “Lean in to kiss me, ‘cause if you don’t we’re both gonna get kicked off this show.” “Taking my shirt off for the first time ‘cause we’re inexplicably in a hot tub.” “Facing the reality of being in a fake relationship with you.” “Wait till you find out I take dumps with the bathroom door open and try to talk to you.” “First time I found out that you’re a fucking weirdo and probably dangerous.” “Making the realization that the only people on these shows are freaks and they’re not actually looking for love, except if you define love as taking your shirt off in a hot tub and porking someone you just met three days ago on t.v.” “Makin’ love with the audio still on so you can hear me make sex noises and give instructions.” “It’s midnight and I’m sneaking out of bed to go to the balcony and cry about the terrible decision I made about being on this show.” “Starting it up! Starting it up! Starting up another fucked up toxic relationship with you.” “Figuring out what I’m gonna say on a talk show when they ask me if I’m still together with you.” “I think you might be my sister ‘cause I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” “Let’s make out, ‘cause the cameras just showed up and I definitely don’t want to extend our conversation about your cats.” “Nothing’s stopping me from pulling out my dick… Take that back. An assistant producer is telling me to stop pulling out my dick. Got it. That’s cool. Won’t happen again. Lalalalala.” “Next time I fall in love, it’ll probably be with another freak like you and I won’t get paid to do it—bummer.”  If you don’t have pockets, then change your pants—that’s what someone’s grandfather probably told them and it’s the kind of sentiment that expresses just how passionate we are, as a nation, about the compartments in our clothing that hold all our secrets.
The term “pocket” is used frequently, usually referring to a place where you put stuff you don’t want people to see. “Pocket change” is an undetermined amount of mysterious money you hide for emergencies, and “pocketing” something is stealing it and then burying it in your pants. We could go on. Despite the secrecy behind pockets, there is another, more beautiful, side to them. Indeed, pockets have even more to give us, if we just let them. We narrowed a very long list down to seven ways you can use your pockets that will change your life. We list them below: 7 ways to use your pockets like you’ve never used your pockets before. 1. Place your hands on the outside of the pockets and fumble for what’s inside, creating the appearance you are sexually molesting yourself. 2. Put items in your “middle pocket” which has a zipper. 3. When you want to signify you can’t pay for something, turn your front two pockets out to show you have no money, then shrug and hold that pose till everyone gets it. 4. Put “hot” items in your pockets and burn yourself under the assumption you are making “hot pockets.” 5. Sustain yet another serious but hilarious injury by putting a stick in your pants to play “pocket pool.” 6. High five with one hand while you keep the other one in your pocket. 7. Fill them with tater tots ala Napoleon Dynamite.  On the latest episode of Bravo’s Southern Charm, Shep Rose introduced a dinner game for his guests to play while they tested their ability to stop slurring words and dribble rum. Shep instructed his companions to make New Year’s resolutions—for someone else at the table—and ushered in a complete breakdown of hope for humanity within twenty seconds.
This is, of course, not new for Bravo. Housewives often introduce quasi therapy exercises that lead to screaming matches and forcible wig removals. Meredith Marks of RHOSLC even reconvened the Boston Tea Party as a Kangaroo constitutional convention of grievances she had about her counterparts. With more dinners and confrontations to come, the Intergalactic Business Report now offers new ideas for supper ambushes and character assassinations. Below, we give them to Bravo, for free. Choose them, use them, but first peruse them: Prompts for nine new dinner “games” to fuel bravolebrity resentment and anger.
 This year the Intergalactic Business Report is focusing a lot of attention on Super Bowl ads. It’s almost a little unsettling and compulsive. But we do care about other things. It’s not like this is all we do or all we are or all we are able to be. There’s a lot more. Really. Seriously. Don’t look at us like that.
Anyway... As it comes time for this year’s Super Bowl and the ads that surround it, we’re getting nervous—nervous for the companies and the people in them who paid big money for spots and are just praying right now that they won’t bomb and fail and that their boss is going to be like, “Jeff, I saw the commercial… Why was Carrot Top dancing with AI Gary Coleman?” We are, primarily, a business magazine, and that often means we care for people no one else does, including the highly paid schlubs who convinced someone to pay for a Super Bowl ad. To those schlubs we say, hold on, and really really think about whether you need to do a Super Bowl ad. If the answer is yes, then you’ve performed a time-honored business move—taking all your money and betting it on black, or red if you’re racist, which you probably are, but in the secret way where even your own mind won’t admit it. That being said, if you’re going to do it, you may as well do it right. Whether you’re one of the ad people hired to create or the dude who got approval to flush away corporate funds on a one-minute gag/vanity plug/orgasm where you don’t feel anything, then we offer you creative support for building that ad. If you’ve already made your ad, good luck, because you may not get a chance next year. But if you’re planning, and watching whatever gets aired next week, then read this and be enlightened, because we give you the tools to create the perfect Super Bowl ad, regardless of your business. Understand the categories: Most successful Super Bowl ads are from one of these four categories. 1. Think pieces, heartbreakers, and message ads. These ads use emotional blackmail and sentimentality to make viewers cry. 2. That’s so funny a celebrity just said/did that. Getting a celebrity to do something awkward, out of place, or to become a caricature of himself brings big laughs and gets consumers to see your product as approachable and fun. 3. Aren’t we clever. Did you just see that? Hold on a second? They did what? Surprising the audience with a clever story line in which all is not what it seems can hook their interest. 4. Sexy/Risque. Sex does sell, and throwing in an element of the naughty can keep viewers salivating for more. Take any product/company/service: In this case, we are choosing, randomly, Slim Jim Meat Snacks and Jerky, but you can pick anything. Combine all four elements like so: Slim Jim ad: Open to sultry, sexy music—a saxophone playing in the dark. Light hits the scene to reveal: a BED and sexy lady LEGS. The camera rolls up from the calves, the thighs, and we see: Luiz Guzman, eating a Slim Jim. He looks at the camera and says: “What? Slim Jim makes me feel sexy.” NOTE: in the first twenty seconds, you’ve already covered #4 (Sexy/risque), #3 (Aren’t we clever, did you see that?), and #2 (That’s so funny a celebrity did/said that). Now all we’re missing is #1 (think pieces, heartbreakers, message ads). So… CUT TO: Children playing basketball in the park. Luiz Guzman comes out of a bush and approaches a group. They stop playing when he enters the court. LUIS GUZMAN: Sorry to break up your game, but I need to tell you something. KID NUMBER ONE: What’s that Mr. Guzman? LUIS GUZMAN: Every ten minutes, a child, just like you, goes hungry. KID NUMBER TWO: Just like me? Guzman nods. He hands the group a pack of Slim Jims. LUIS GUZMAN: Here you go. Snap into a Slim Jim. KID NUMBER ONE: Thanks, Mr. Guzman! They all chew their Slim Jims and go back to playing basketball, even though the Slim Jims are hanging out of their mouths. Luis Guzman looks at the camera. CLOSE UP of him with a tear in his eye. CUT TO: Black screen, with white lettering that says: VOTE.  It’s everybody’s favorite time of the year when after a brutally fun holiday season of drinking too much and telling friends and family how much you love them while almost pissing yourself, you turn into a grim teetotaler who now brags about your sobriety.
Dry January has long been an area of concern for the Intergalactic Business Report, but this year, we try in earnest to reconcile our differences with the month-long “thirst strike” that captures people like you who just want to detox and chill. With this in mind, we offer you 12 amazing activities that will help you thrive during this challenging time. 12 Dry January activities you can do this month. 1. Just sit there—really sit there. And think about all the stuff you regret. It’s a long list, but you have a whole month. 2. Drink non-alcoholic beer and tell everyone that it’s actually really really good. Then write a suicide note and keep it ready. 3. Wake up and tell whoever’s next to you that you feel so great because you don’t have a hangover. Then recall what it was like last night when you had totally sober sex and it felt like you were exercising at a gym where someone really annoying talks to you the whole time and you realize you hate them but there’s only a few minutes left of your workout, so you just keep going. 4. Reconnect with old friends by inviting them out for mocktails that are like 1,000 calories and make your fat ass look fatter with each sip. Feel the sobriety as you drink more, get fatter, and truly understand the pain of reality in all its fullness. 5. Play Pickleball. 6. Get super religious and go to church multiple days of the week. Get to know priests and pastors and all the people who make the place run. Look up at the crucifix and Jesus and start praying for the month to end. 7. Focus on “Wet as Fuck February” like it’s your fiancé and you’re in a World War Two Japanese prison camp. 8. Find pleasure in replacing your uninhibited drunkenness with whacking off on freeway overpasses. 9. Harness your imagination and creativity by pretending you’re a zoo animal. Then throw feces at people, possibly on a freeway overpass (see above). 10. Pretend to be really really drunk, and giggle about how stupid drinking is. Then act even more drunk and laugh out loud and how absurd being drunk is. Then laugh louder, till you begin crying and someone asks you what’s wrong and you tell them it’s because you’re drunk. 11. Figure out how to perfectly draw your penis on an Etch A Sketch. Then shake the fuck out of that thing and start over till it’s February first. 12. Wear nipple clamps so tight you can’t get them off and that’s all you worry about. Schedule a doctor’s appointment for February first to have them removed.  Believe it or not, there once was a dearth of Christmas movies. Children would watch yuletide stop motion animation puppets creepily dance on t.v. and families would wait for classics like “It’s a Wonderful Life” to air. Fast forward to today and whole channels are devoted to Christmas movies that are churned out faster than pornos (and with, we think, the same actors).
As the Christmas movie evolves, the entertainment industry is clearly running out of original concepts. At first, it was enough to have a snarky executive woman who doesn’t have time for the holidays (or love) who finds a lumberjack stud who convinces her to give up her career and live with him in Christmas Town. There were also supernatural plots about ordinary people transforming into Santa, special forces Elves, and painful pseudo-scientific explanations for how Kris Kringle could go around the world in one night and deliver presents to children without their parents saying, what the fuck is this? I didn’t buy this. Where the fuck did this come from? We can’t keep this. We’ve reached a point at which Hollywood and Hallmark have essentially given up as they desperately seek new ideas but must fall back on their staple stories of vague Xmas cheer and romance that, in real life, would end in the worst kind of buyer’s remorse come January. Because the industry so clearly needs a boost, the Intergalactic Business Report, as it always does, comes to the rescue with six brand new original concepts that will maintain the genre for another year, at least. Six wild new Christmas concepts to save the holiday movie industry. Get ready for these wild, soon-to-be classics. Grab them now, before all the other cool industry executives snatch titles like: A Crack baby Christmas. What if Jesus were a crack baby? And an evil drug dealer named Herod, wanted him eliminated? That’s what happens in a “Crack Baby Christmas” as Jesus’s illegitimate parents look for a place to birth him. Wait. Look at that motel called “the Manger.” So great, right? Christmas in Santa’s Butt. When Elves Mercury and Chiffon raise the ire of a snow dragon, they hide in Santa Claus’s enormous butt. When the snow dragon arrives at the North Pole and demands answers, Santa acts like he doesn’t know where they are. The dragon, who doesn’t totally buy the story, asks if he can stay the night because it’s late and there’s a blizzard. Santa says O.K. because he has to play along to protect the Elves in his butt. The only problem is it’s Christmas Eve and Santa must deliver gifts around the world and there’s no way he can hold two elves in his butt while he’s doing it. This is a comedy (lots of funny scenes where Santa has to fart, but he holds it so the elves don’t blow out of his ass) but it also has a lot of serious scenes and a closing message about how if you’re over 40 you should get a colonoscopy. A Meth and Porn Christmas. Bongo is a meth head who watches a lot of porn. And it’s Christmas. A Dumpy Christmas. Santa’s had enough of ungrateful children who don’t believe in Christmas, so he decides to come down chimneys and take steaming dumps on people’s living room floors. When he poops on a priceless Persian rug, he has second thoughts because a cute kitten is sitting on it and stares at him as he squeezes one out. It’s awkward, as if the cat is judging him. But it’s too late to stop so Santa completes his dump and moves on to the next home. Ya ya yah! Iz Chrissmazzz! All-American looking actors fake like they are non-descript but stereotypical “foreigners” and speak a gibberish language that sounds like they aren’t from a good country. Then they celebrate Christmas with traditions that are made up but relatable in the sense that you can tell they’re trying to do Christmas stuff but in a super foreign way. At one point, they play soccer with a baby Jesus doll, which seems offensive till they eat it and then you’re really offended. Starring Mario Lopez and Kirsten Dunst. Alien Spaceship Landing: Christmas Edition. Even though there are no other editions of “Alien Spaceship Landing” there’s this one about Christmas. As the residents of Pauly Shores get ready for the holiday, a large spacecraft descends on their town, blocking all communication with the outside world, including WIFI and radio waves. At first, there’s panic. Then the townspeople begin to see that Christmas is much more wonderful when the distractions of modern life are gone. Children play in the park and build snowmen and families tell stories by their roaring fireplaces. Stores are closed, and gifts must be handmade and thoughtful. It’s the best Christmas ever, till the aliens annihilate everyone in a cold, overwhelming heat blast that leaves no survivors.  If you’ve heard a woman rip a fart, get caught, and put her hand over her mouth and giggle: “I just tooted,” then you understand what it feels like to stare across the edge of darkness and decide jumping is preferable to hearing whatever she says next. Researchers tell us that “tooting” was probably first coined by Barbara Hollingsworth of Breford Mississippi in 1963 when she released an ass-tearing blast at a cotillion. From there, Barbara’s fart euphemism spread across America till everyone could smell it.
While some women are comfortable announcing their farts or even pre-announcing them with warnings like, “Hold on, I’ve got something for you” those women are nasty. Non-nasty women must rely on the only cute way to admit to a fart and it’s from 1963. Like we always do, the Intergalactic Business Report saves an entire gender by revealing new, totally original ways to get away with farting by using adorable, feminine quips. (For extra effect, say the words “tee hee hee” beforehand). Ladies, next time you rip one, just say:
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