Just when you thought “Dry January” was the most miserable thing society could do to people starting another year of disappointment, pain, and lowered expectations, humans have come up with Veganuary, which adds a new restriction to your life—not eating meat.
As this grueling, meatless, hoochless month comes to a dismal close, the Intergalactic Business Report offers misery traffickers new ways to completely fuck up January 2024. Pay attention self-flagellates, next year’s hairshirts are up for grabs below:
1. No shit January. Hold it in for a month to build appreciation for bowel movements.
2. Vaginuary. Women are not allowed to “use” their vaginas for the entire month.
3. Janiceuary. Difficult, bitchy, and totally unreasonable, Janice Drankowski makes all the rules in a month dedicated to fulfilling her slightest wishes and whims—mostly tasks like sending her money and listening to her screaming about your bad service. Also, because she can’t use her vagina (see above) she’s especially angry.
4. Live under a bridge January. To participate, you need to live under a bridge for a month and battle homeless gangs for a spot near the fire and the first hit on the crack pipe.
5. Tattoomyfaceuary. Show respect and love for people with face tattoos by getting an unalterable face tattoo. Then try to hold a job in February.
6. Shutyourmouthuary. Take a vow of silence as you pile on even more challenges in what is now the most horrible month of the year. As you freeze under a bridge (see above), indenture yourself to a sadist (see above), scare children with your face (see above), and nearly shit your pants (see above), you can’t talk about it.
This October, horror fans are enjoying a new Winnie the Pooh movie in which Pooh Bear and Piglet are nasty killers. Even though we always suspected those two motherfuckers were evil, it was impossible to tell the truth about these grisly creatures until copyright laws ran out. Now, without those silly rules protecting creative content, some fictional characters can be reassessed, reimagined, and re-diculous.
Blood and Honey’s tagline, “this ain’t no bedtime story,” portends the film’s harrowing plot: When Christopher Robin went off to college he left his animal friends Pooh and Piglet to fend for themselves. When he returns home, his former mates have transformed into killer beasts who thirst for blood and revenge.
Pay attention, Hollywood. You too can jump on the terror train and create scary versions of some of society’s most beloved storybook figures. To get you started, the Intergalactic Business Report has compiled five formerly copyright protected franchises you can exploit today. You’re welcome.
Tagline: “All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn’t stop Humpty from killing again.”
Synopsis: Humpty Dumpty has a weight problem. And a murder problem. The subject of ridicule in his small medieval village, Humpty finally has enough when he is placed upon a wall where townspeople hurl garbage and insults at him. When Humpty falls from his perch, he injures his head, making him a homicidal, remorseless, killer.
Anne of Green Gables.
Tagline: “Little Orphan Annie she ain’t…”
Synopsis: Anne of Green Gables is a six-foot-three red-headed killer, who is accidentally released from a cage on a ship carrying her to a penal colony. She murders several passengers, including an orphan boy being adopted by a middle-aged brother and sister who need help running their farm at Green Gables. Anne arrives and pretends to be the orphan she executed earlier.
Her adopters, Marilla and Matthew Cuthbert, had expected a boy and want to send her back. But when they see she can pull a plow and literally do the work of an ox, they decide to keep her. Then the killings begin.
Goofus and Gallant.
Tagline: “Goofus kills people for pleasure. Gallant begs for his life.”
Synopsis: Goofus and Gallant are two brothers with very different views on humanity. Goofus was born evil and is dismissed by his parents and teachers as a bad seed. Gallant is a leader and lauded by the community for his good nature and integrity. Goofus tries to prove his value to society by killing his teachers, neighbors, and parents. Then he captures Gallant and holds him in his basement.
Tagline: “When you wish upon a star… Pray Jiminy Cricket doesn’t hear you.”
Synopsis: Instead of a loveable cartoon cricket, Jiminy is a satanic bug manifested when someone makes a wish on a star. Then he shows up and bores into your brain and eats you from the inside out. He also sings a lot.
Tagline: “Four sisters. 40 funerals.”
Synopsis: Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy have a mother who expects a lot of them. With their father away, they try to support the family through the rough times of the Civil War and find the only profession that pays enough to keep them fed and happy—killing for money. Working as their murder-pimp, Mrs. March tells the girls what to do, think, and who to dismember.
Up for grabs, new state taglines.
Whether you see them on license plates or in a tourism ad, U.S. states like their own taglines. The Intergalactic Business Report addresses you, the states, directly, and empathizes about how hard it must be to refresh and renew these precious emblems of your identity year after year. To aid you in this never-ending task, we’ve given you totally new and original taglines, free of charge. You’re welcome. If you’re not on the list, be patient. We’ll get to you soon.
For now, please bask in the relevance of these perfectly appointed representations of everything you are.
Florida: We’re Retireded
Ohio: Where the shit you saw on the internet happened.
Illinois: One big cornfield and a Crime zone.
Michigan: Not Canada, but we’d probably join those guys if they asked.
Wisconsin: Drunk snowmobiling capital of the world. Bonus: Hot turdz ‘n cheese curdz
Iowa: You don’t want to be from here.
Kentucky: Our cousins are hot.
Indiana: Not Ohio. Not Illinois. Just meh. Bonus: Where average is Einstein.
Tennessee: Playin' our fiddles and fiddlin' with our dicks.
New Jersey: Looking pretty normal till one of us opens our mouth. Bonus: No one does a circle jerk like we do.
North Carolina: Trying not to act like rednecks, but lookit my truck.
South Carolina: Get lost here, we’ll buttfuck you.
Mississippi: Not as racist as Alabama.
Alabama: Not as racist as Mississippi.
West Virginia: The punchline to all jokes about illiteracy and incest. Bonus: county after beautiful county of cousin fuckers.
Arkansas: We try but arkant.
Oklahoma: Trying to figure out why anyone lives here.
Kansas: Famous for tornadoes and…
California: Beautiful like a crazy girl on fire.
Nevada: Can someone please give us some water?
Vermont: Freezing our tits off and pouring maple syrup on them.
Arizona: Temps so high we don’t have dicks anymore.
Texas: Living here made Mike Judge write Idiocracy.
Colorado: Ask me if I’m high.
Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise is the biggest platform for middle-aged women getting drunk and screaming at each other since the View, and gifts each one of its stars a personal tagline that exemplifies their very being.
As the show expands to new cities and spinoffs, the Intergalactic Business Report gives cast members original, totally free taglines they can use immediately. Hurry, before a new housewife claims one of these, below:
“Not only do I do cocaine, I’m addicted to it.”
“The only time you’ll shut me up is when I deepthroat this whole show.”
“Give me a solid gold dildo, and I’ll do anal.”
“Looks, money, fame… It doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have money.”
“Call me shallow but my vagina is deeper than Deepak Chopra.”
“FBI stands for Fabulous Beyond Infinity. And I’m under 24-hour surveillance.”
“You can tap my phone for free, but you’ll need money if you want to tap this ass.”
“I’m so drunk…”
“That stanky scent you’re smelling is my success.”
Squid Game is an international phenomenon exporting Korean culture and entertainment to the world while making an uncanny critique of capitalism. But already there have been questions about whether the program leans too heavily on Korean customs and traditions that translate poorly to other countries. For example, what the fuck are they eating? And why is everyone except the Indian guy Korean?
As the entertainment industry scrambles to do domestic versions of the show, we help them along by giving them concepts that will fit their culture. You’re welcome.
SQUID GAME VERSION: Germany.
NEW TITLE: Tintenfischzusammenspiel
PLOT: The game takes place in a factory where players must engineer and mass produce waffle machines, which are then sold to everyone in the United States, who say stuff like, “Wow this waffle machine is from Germany. It must be amazing.”
SQUID GAME VERSION: UNITED STATES.
NEW TITLE: Waffle Machine panic.
PLOT: The day after Thanksgiving, contestants must kill one another for German waffle machines, so they can tell their friends they got one and then tell the story of how they did it. “I fucking killed a guy.”
SQUID GAME VERSION: FRANCE.
NEW TITLE: Don’t shoot.
PLOT: Game participants talk all kinds of shit about how they’re going to win but when the first contest is presented, they immediately surrender.
SQUID GAME VERSION: ICELAND.
NEW TITLE: Lazy Town.
PLOT: Participants play with actual squids. And there’s no violence. Even to the squids, which are quickly released back into the ocean.
SQUID GAME VERSION: ENGLAND.
NEW TITLE: Poppycock.
PLOT: It’s a death-murder contest between the polite British people who apologize to you and talk with their mouths closed like a ventriloquist, and the other ones who sound like Michael Caine and want to kill you.
SQUID GAME VERSION: SAUDI ARABIA.
NEW TITLE: Tuesday.
PLOT: Basically, just a regular Tuesday in Saudi Arabia, where people hide their faces with masks, get their hands cut off for stealing, and are stoned to death for sexual preference. The twist is that this time it’s a “game.”
Sick of Hallmark movies? Four Christmas reality shows that will light the holidays on fire next year.
By now, most Americans are sick of Christmas television programming featuring romantic storylines and tales of holiday wishes coming true. After holding back for several years, hoping networks would come up with it on their own, the Intergalactic Business Report finally gives up and tells the entertainment industry, for free, what they really should be doing. What is that, you ask meekly? We’ll tell you. Hardcore Xmas reality shows. We list some of our best concepts below. Oh. You’re welcome.
The hunt for the real Santa Claus.
In this limited series, hosted by Luiz Guzman, teams of Santa hunters scour the globe for the location of the actual Santa Claus. Following leads by unintelligible old villagers, rune stones, and shit they find on the internet, each episode pumps up viewers to expect that there will be an imminent capture of a crusty, ancient man, who may or may not be St. Nick. In the end, it doesn’t matter if they find him, because the chases and takedowns of innocent Santa suspects is worth the ride.
Stripper elves: Atlanta.
This Xmas (get it?) Santa’s elves are for hire and this time they’re adult performers. Get in on the action as NBA players and music artists crowd pop-up holiday-themed strip clubs and spend like 250K on lap dances. We follow elves Delmira, Fuscia, and Success as they navigate the crazy world of manufactured situations involving them stripping for money.
4,000 pound Christmas.
Starring 10 random overweight people, 4k lb Xmas is not a weight loss show but a weight gain show. Two teams compete to see if they can overindulge enough on the holidays to break the scales at four thousand pounds. Will the team from Wisconsin be able to engulf enough cheese, jerky, and beer to attain victory, or will those fat asses from the Bronx do it again with all those calzones and cannoli? It’s anyone’s game (if you’re super fat and would actually do this, which, you’d be surprised, a lot of people will).
Bugs ate my brain (on Christmas)
This horrifying reality series focuses on people with deadly diseases where invasive species eat them from the inside out. And it takes place at Christmas.
Up for grabs: stereotypical lottery prizes and incentives to get vaccinated by state. Illinois through Mississippi.
After offering several states awesome ideas for stereotypical vaccine lottery prizes, the Intergalactic Business Report continues its list of totally free concepts for the states of Illinois through Mississippi.
State governments, feel free to use these. You’re welcome.
Illinois: You get fucked by a Kielbasa. Not for everyone.
Indiana: A “Flowers for Algernon” themed prize features a special brain hormone injection that transforms you into just above legally mentally incapable of caring for yourself, making you the “Einstein of Indiana.”
Iowa: Your meat gets packed.
Kansas: Free hypnosis to make you think for a few minutes that you’re not living in the middle of nowhere in a place nobody ever thinks about and that your life is the equivalent of a single white butt cheek, alone and half-assed.
Kentucky: A racehorse carries you to your cousin’s house to see your estranged children who think you’re their crazy drunk uncle.
Louisiana: Four week courses in elocution and enunciation so that humans outside Louisiana can decipher what the fuck you just said.
Maine: Three minutes alone with a Lobster, no questions asked, no judgments made, no charges pressed.
Maryland: Weekend “the Wire” experience where you get a burner phone but are disillusioned by the system that created the vaccine lottery because it’s ineffective and corrupt.
Massachusetts: Free speech therapy to help you pronounce words.
Michigan: An overweight militia man kills you because you got vaccinated.
Minnesota: Hey der! Super! You betcha! (That’s all you get.)
Mississippi: Same as Maine (above) only with a muskrat.
Up for grabs: aggressive bumper sticker concepts for people who want to threaten all other human beings.
You may have noticed that the car parked next to you at Costco has a bumper sticker stating the owner’s intention to physically assault anyone who touches his car or asks other drivers to keep honking while he reloads his gun.
In an act of supreme human empathy and understanding, the Intergalactic Business Report attempts to bring aggressive bumper sticker users to an even higher threat level by giving them, for free, brand new, unused bumper sticker concepts they can have today.
Print these up and stick them on your truck before everyone has one saying:
1. “Willing to go to prison for the rest of my life for murdering someone who accidentally scrapes my door.”
2. “If you cut me off, I will bump your car off the road, pull you out, and cut your head off.”
3. “I am an unstable psychopath. Think about that when I murder you for no reason.”
4. “If you hit my car with my kids in it, I will assault you and go to jail because I love my kids so much I think it will be better for them to grow up without a father like me.”
5. “I’m a good parent. That’s why I will kill people who displease me in front of my children.”
6. “Attention police. I have a loaded gun in here and I will use it to kill motorists who get too close to me or use their horns.”
7. “I have bodies in my trunk. Is yours next?”
8. “My last girlfriend didn’t like my driving. I shot her. So don’t tailgate me.”
9. “I murdered a valet parker. What do you think I’d do to you?”
10. “Registered Sex Offender.”
11. “Every time I assault another driver, my penis size grows two inches in my mind.”
12. “One percent John Wayne, 99% John Wayne Gacy.”
When we heard that West Virginia was offering shotguns to people who get vaccinated, we immediately thought, Yeah, it’s West Virginia. They’d do that. Then we decided to offer, free of charge, incentive ideas for every state.
State governments, feel free to use these. You’re welcome.
Vaccine incentives: Alabama-Idaho.
Alabama: Free cousin fucking lessons.
Alaska: A snow mobile that kills animals with built in guns and protruding blades (also has a flatbed for forbidden sex between dudes stuck in a cabin together for six months at a mining camp).
Arizona: Golfcarts that can take your body straight to a funeral home when you’re finally ready.
Arkansas: Corn cob pipes that make you want to fuck your cousins.
California: A blow job from that girl/guy in that late 90’s Cinemax movie where they didn’t show blow jobs.
Colorado: A talking bong that says really laid-back sounding shit belying a deep sense of entitlement and rage.
Connecticut: 30,000 off your child’s first week of prep school.
Delaware: A five-dollar bill, because that’s what you give people when you know nothing about them but you need to give them a gift but not a big one—maybe just five bucks or something?
Florida: A ladder to escape from your sinkhole and a vial of crack for when you get out.
Georgia: A coupon that gives you a one-time chance to fuck your sister.
Hawaii: You live in Hawaii. What the fuck else do you want? A trip to Hawaii?
Idaho: A spot at the underground doomsday colony (you need to bring a woman to repopulate and a shit load of water or it’s invalid).
Up for grabs: IBR unveils new slate of show concepts for HGTV. Will they be smart and take them?
As the Home and Garden Television Network continues to expand its lineup, we noticed they are open to just about anything so long as it's roughly about places where someone could maybe live or whatever.
In what can only be considered an act of pure altruism, the Intergalactic Business Report gives, for free, a brand-new slate of show concepts to HGTV. These boundary-breaking series could take the network to a new level of something, so we recommend they grab them now.
SHOW TITLE: “Buy it or scorch it.”
CONCEPT: Host David Visentin goes solo and offers pyromaniac buyers a choice to either buy a house or burn it to the ground. Will they decide to move into the four-bedroom, three-bath with the chef’s kitchen? Or will they take a match and gaze into the flames as their dream home becomes a pile of ash?
SHOW TITLE: “Wall unit.”
CONCEPT: Crews compete to see who can add the most external air conditioners to houses and apartments. That’s pretty much it.
SHOW TITLE: “Secret Sex Dungeon.”
CONCEPT: Did you know a sex dungeon can add value to your home? Host Jonathan Knight helps clients design clandestine pleasure chambers for their basements because there’s no way he hasn’t done that before.
SHOW TITLE: “Hide my stash.”
CONCEPT: Drug lords hire designers to build hidden rooms where they can store their illegal narcotics and weapons. We’re thinking David Bromstad for this because of the potential for “break the ice” tattoo conversations to open the show.
SHOW TITLE: “Home today, gone tomorrow.”
CONCEPT: Hosts Ben and Erin Napier go to dilapidated neighborhoods and towns and restore them to their original beauty. Then, professional arsonists arrive to burn everything down in a tribute to living in the moment.
SHOW TITLE: “Tunnel into My Neighbor’s House.”
CONCEPT: Homeowners build tunnels into their neighbors’ houses. The catch? Their neighbors are building a tunnel into theirs at the same time. Who will get there first? (The winner assumes control of the home and all its contents including pets and human beings.)
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.