Have a job but hate what people call it? Wish you did something for a living others respected or at least that sounded cool? Once again, the Intergalactic Business Report improves your life instantly by giving you, for free, totally new and unused names for common professions. Use them, don’t abuse them, and please don’t snooze them, because pretty soon everyone will be calling themselves these:
CURRENT TITLE: Grocery store cashier.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Dude who touches your food and says shit like, “Woah. Looks like we’re gonna have some steak tonight and get really really drunk. What time should I come over?”
CURRENT TITLE: Doctor.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who went to medical school just so he could have a legitimate reason to touch people and put his fingers up people's asses all the time.
CURRENT TITLE: Janitor.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Vomit/seamen sweeper.
CURRENT TITLE: Sales manager.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: High school dropout.
CURRENT TITLE: Auto mechanic.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who shows you your dirty air filter like you’re supposed to know what the fuck that means and you pay him for a new air filter because what the fuck.
CURRENT TITLE: Vice President.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Awesome suit, what the fuck do you do?
CURRENT TITLE: Engineer.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Nerd who doesn’t drive trains and kills your interest in talking to him because you thought he did when he said he was an engineer and now you have nothing to say to him because you don’t give a shit about engineers who don’t drive trains.
CURRENT TITLE: Coach.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Child mind fuck specialist.
CURRENT TITLE: Director of Marketing.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who makes up words and nods his head at meetings.
CURRENT TITLE: Social media manager.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Youngest person in the office.
CURRENT TITLE: Pharmacist.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Confusing fake doctor who looks at you like he shouldn’t be giving you drugs because you just handed him a note that says “Please give this man drugs. Signed Doctor Feelgood.”
Dear Burger King:
We’ve seen your ads. They’re clever, funny, even uplifting. Now, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you, for free, your new campaign. Thank us later. Start working immediately.
BURGER KING AD CAMPAIGN (GIVEN TOTALLY FREE TO BURGER KING, YOUR WELCOME):
We all know Burger King has great burgers. Now it’s time to remind people that not only are your burgers amazing, but they are even more amazing when compared to things that taste like shit.
Enter the King’s nemesis: Booger King, who is also a king, but from a netherworld, kind of like in Stranger Things, only he’s not a monster so much as an actor dressed up in a crappy, turd-stained “royal” outfit.
The unsanitary Booger King doesn’t have any personal hygiene and cooks all his burgers on a grill set up in his restaurant’s bathroom, which is also the room where people have to eat. When you go to this king’s place, you order food while watching people take dumps in the open stalls a few feet away. Ewwww.
Now we cut to a Burger King restaurant where everything is clean and up to health codes. The King takes orders, even though he can only nod, and he oversees an efficient team of clean-looking people (we say “clean-looking” because who knows what they’re like after work. They could be into all kinds of nasty shit. But that’s stuff they do on their own time, and not at Burger King). Anyway…
As the King serves up delicious burgers, he sees a Booger King ad on a television. He shakes his head in disgust as he sees his rival strut around his gross restaurant and invite customers to come there to taste their Double Booger sandwich, which is two booger (yes actual boogers) patties with some questionable sauce from squeeze bottles his employees extract from their pants. The Booger King then pulls some hair out of one of his booger burgers as flashing words say: FREE BURGERS at BOOGER KING TODAY.
All the people at Burger King see the commercial and head over for the free food. The King follows them out, trying to warn them, but to no avail.
When the droves of customers arrive at Booger King, they are all liquefied by a laser cannon that turns them into booger meat, to be used at the restaurant. Oh no!
Just then, a family of four arrives and the King stops them from entering Booger King and meeting their deaths. He points them to his Burger King restaurant, which looks shiny, new, and fresh. The family thanks and hugs him. They walk back together to enjoy burgers that aren’t made of human beings and waste.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.