If you’ve watched a movie in the last eight years, you know there are now more fake superheroes than humans on Earth. To compensate for this rising population, the Intergalactic Business Report offers 7 never-been-used names and backstories that you can have today. For free… So go name yourself:
Shitstorm. Unable to hold back his own farts, Barry Standish finds shame in his lack of control, which often leads to him destroying his pants and harming bystanders. But when an ancient priest from the future meets him in an adult potty training center his parents have imprisoned him in, Barry learns that his shame is also his greatest strength.
Boombox. In the 80’s, Steve Lindstrom’s uncle Ron gets him a sick boom box that has unearthly powers from a drug deal gone wrong to a voodoo priest where the box became covered in magic cocaine. Now named Boombox by his street friends, Steve blasts his portable stereo and begins his signature break dance moves. As the music grooves, he transforms into a frenetic freak whose energy level is “higher” than his enemies. Will he kick their asses before the music stops?
Reacharound. Ben Hannon was the least limber kid at Central High until he joined an elite underground cult that taught him the ability to stretch better than 35% of the student body. Now Moofafa, the cult leader, asks Ben to use his new powers to learn a move called the “reacharound,” which he promises will bring him fame, power, and a new, part-time boyfriend.
Halfass. When Trent Abraham goes out at night he likes to “kick it,” donkey style. This part- donkey part-man is a handful for his opponents, especially when he employs his deadly “donkey punch.”
Phil Ratuliak. Sir Philip Exeter is a gentleman and country squire, until an ancient evil rips away his refinement and good taste while he is in America studying at Michigan State University. Say goodbye to Sir Phillip and hello to Phil Ratuliak, a communications major from Livonia.
The Overeater. One meal is not enough for Jeffrey Steelson, who eats dinner, dessert, and then another meal later, sometimes from Taco Bell. Pushing the limits of good eating habits and a healthful diet, Jeff is able to gain five pounds a day for several days, till he looks fatter than shit and notices he has double chins. What does he do next? He eats more.
Skankmagnet. Drew Little never got play. Until he was trapped in a cage with a gorilla who taught him the secret to getting women. Now Drew turns on a special radar invented by his mighty friend and is able to locate the skankiest women (and men) on the planet. But when he turns off his device, he is hunted by deadly assassins. So he just keeps it on all the time and is surrounded by skanks.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.