Don’t underestimate the total apocalypse your work rivals will face when you brand the shit out of yourself – personally. Up for a promotion? Fuck that other guy by going with a cool nickname to endear yourself to the boss and every other office fool who engages you daily.
Intense research, aided by our proprietary computer program, has generated four nicknames that are not used by anyone in the world… Until you make use of them tomorrow when you announce yourself as:
1. The Schniz. Believe it or not, this nickname is not to be used because your full name is Schnizowski or Schnizzelstein. Instead, this name suggests a back story that no one quite understands but will probably laugh about, like an idiot who doesn’t know why he’s laughing. When people ask you why they call you “the Schniz,” you just tell them: “well, it has to do with me getting fucked by a sausage. But it’s a long story!”
2. Lil’ Grover. Like the muppet, only smaller. That’s you now.
3. Big Banana Jammer. Like a banana jammer, only much larger.
4. Schpuck. It’s not taken. That’s all we can say about this one.
5. The Mellon Reamer. The “melon reamer” is actually taken by a guy name Paul Jaworski in Dixon Minnesota. But if you add another “l” to “mellon” it’s like a whole new nickname. Your welcome.
Own a bar? Well, you’re stupid, because it’s the worst business anyone can ever have. But you probably heard that already, about a million times, just before you decided to be a total idiot and go into the “bar business.”
The only good news about your horrible decision is that the Intergalactic Business Report can turn your dumbness slightly around by granting you a superior name for your crap infested shithole.
These four winners have been scientifically chosen to turn you from total disaster to just a guy who owns a crappy bar – with an awesome name.
1. The Beaver Hole. This Oregon-themed title will give you street cred with lumberjacks and also make people think it’s a strip club. Watch all those disappointed faces enter your place of business and feel obliged to order a drink. You did it.
2. Big Dick’s Big Dick Bar. That’s correct, you get to be known as “Big Dick.” Great, right? And by saying that it’s a “big dick” bar, you will attract big dicks to come there. Score.
3. The Buggery. Like the famous “Snuggery” in Chicago, this is kind of like that. Except that it’s British slang for buttfucking.
4. The Snatch Factory. Kind of like the Beaver Hole (above) except the people you’ll attract will be much much worse. And they probably won’t order a drink. Hey, it’s number four on the list. You can’t expect too much.