According to the Wall Street Journal, “It’s Just Lunch offers clients a chance to get acquainted over lunch. The firm does all the work, making reservations, clearing the matches with customers. All couples have to do is show up."
The concept sounds great and the company promises they use real professional matchmakers* to pair couples for lunch dates where they can see each other for the first time, without having previewed pictures of one of them without his shirt on in front of a mirror.
Our branding team appreciates the idea behind It’s Just Lunch, but feels it’s time for a slight re-brand in which the company takes a look at how to more realistically portray themselves to their clients and the public.
Below we list 15 improved company names we feel will get to the core of what they deliver. Take these today before a competitor snatches them up.
It’s just lunch sex.
It’s just awkward.
It’s just not going to work.
It just about time for me to go to my made-up nephew’s birthday and you’re not invited.
It’s just a contrived situation manufactured by a dating site.
It’s just the opening scene to a porn.
It’s just uncomfortable.
It’s just lunch where a guy asks you if you want to have sex with him.
It’s just weird sex in a Taco Bell Restroom.
It’s just that thing you did because you told yourself you were going to start saying yes to stuff and then afterwards you realized why you always said no to them.
It’s just knowing that the dude you met up with totally thinks he’s going to pork you.
It’s just like tinder, only it’s at lunch.
It’s just the tip.
It’s just in the sense that this is justice for all the times you randomly hooked up with people and didn’t have to sit through lunch with them.
It’s just time to have that thing on your dick checked out.
It’s just what Ted Bundy would do if he did internet dating.
*We assume professional matchmakers studied matchmaking at a university in the Southeast Athletic Conference, because that’s a major there.
Are you a politician? Do you have trouble articulating your views? Do you not have any views to articulate in the first place? We can help.
We try to never get involved with politics, but that’s probably because we’re not Hitler. Still, the Intergalactic Business Report is committed to its mission of offering totally free creative counsel to our readers and today we give you political messaging ideas no one else is using. Grab them now before everyone else gets elected president.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: “I’m kind of sort of into stuff that will help people (probably).”
CONCEPT: Here you boast a non-committal plan that doesn’t say you won’t help people by suggesting you’re not against that, which is good, right?
POLITICAL MESSAGE: “I will suck your dick if you elect me.”
CONCEPT: This gets to the heart of why voters vote. They are waiting and hoping for a politician to offer felatio in return for their support. You can be the first person to bring this to the table and connect with voters on a dick-to-mouth level.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: You talk about how you’re super into anything confrontational or that makes people uncomfortable, especially mentally and physically.
CONCEPT: This messaging idea is mostly where you scream at people and tell them if you get elected you’ll force everyone to wear nipple and penis clamps. Very popular with a small group of people. Very unpopular with everyone else. But you need to have a base and this could be yours.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: “Free food if I’m elected, but not the really good kind.”
CONCEPT: You offer totally non-priced edibles, but because there is no cost to the electorate, the food can’t be very good. But it’s O.K. Like what you’d eat if you were really hungry, which is fine. But not something you’d choose to eat if someone said, "Hey, what are you in the mood for tonight?" In that case, it would not be this.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: Sound like a hardline group but you’re really the opposite.
CONCEPT: In this one, you call yourself something like the Nationalist Wolfpack Order, but you believe our currency should be changed into hugs.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: The “I just shit my pants” message.
CONCEPT: If anyone asks you difficult questions about your party platform, you say, “I just shit my pants.” This seriously works every time.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: Asking voters to join you in your fake fantasy realm where they will be royalty.
CONCEPT: Kind of speaks for itself. They vote for you and they become “Prince Bagginstuff of Neverbeenlaid.” You get to be president.
POLITICAL PLATFORM IDEA: “My dick is bigger than yours. Or much bigger, in the case that you don’t have a dick at all.”
CONCEPT: The last part of the message shows your acknowledgement of women voters. Good job.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.