 It’s no secret that entrepreneuroexpert Kris Krohn is like a demigod to the Intergalactic Business Report. His wisdom and guidance have led us to the realization that talent, genius, morality, and conviction are superficial traits compared with body fat count and weight. It was all so simple, and yet it took Krohn to make us understand that we should never engage with those who don’t have great bodies because it is the physical form that tells us a human’s true worth.
Critics may say that Krohn is emphasizing the superfluous over the depth of someone’s soul and character, but that’s crap. Like King Xerxes, Krohn is kind and willing to work with people on their weight loss journeys. We recognize love when we see it and are dedicated to spreading the word of Krohn even to the deceased, who could have used his benevolence to change their fates. Following our groundbreaking article featuring suggested Kris Krohn letters to fat billionaires, the Intergalactic Business Report gives Krohn texts he can still send to fat dead people, illustrating that personal growth is eternal. Marlon Brando. I wish I could sit down with you and counsel you on your weight. I liked Streetcar Named Desire, but I would LOVE to see Marlon’s body losing weight is desired. When you were on the waterfront, did you eat a bunch of churros? You could have been a contender (to do business with Kris Krohn) if you weren’t so fucking fat. Here’s an offer you can’t refuse—two for one Whoppers. Elvis Presley. With all due respect, your physical appearance has hindered your legacy. I feel like you love me some chicken tenders instead of loving your body and the result is that if we were contemporaries, you and I would be totally incompatible and I would never associate myself with you. I can respect the Karate stuff because that demonstrated some physical fitness, but the fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches showed a total lack of control. Fatty Arbuckle. You wouldn’t have killed that girl if you were more focused on your own body. Jabba the Hut I guess you’re gonna have to kill me because I refuse to pay my debt till you’ve lost at least three thousand pounds. John Candy. Sure you’re funny. But are you Kris Krohn funny? I feel like you wasted your comic genius on being fat instead of doing whatever I do. I hereby refuse to watch your films until you show the kind of discipline it takes to accomplish something in your life. Dom DeLuise. Mel Brooks and Johnny Carson may love you, but you will never make it in this world unless you push yourself to your limit by working out while someone with an iphone films you and asks if you were always a grunter. The Fat Boys. I’m assuming you’re all dead from heart attacks by now but if any of you made it to becoming “fat men” I just want you to know I will never collaborate on an album or anything else with you till you start pushing yourselves and your bodies to do what you are capable of. Fat Jim Morrison. Jim, it wasn’t the drugs that killed you. It was the fatness. I’m just touching base to let you know that your music is worthless unless you have total control of your body. You should have broken on through to a diet and exercise plan, but you chose to be a stranger and blind to every meal you eat. Chris Farley. Now that you’re dead, I think it’s a teachable moment for those of us who are still living and alive. I want you to really really think about what kind of legacy you’ve left compared to someone like me, who posts Instagram videos, does real estate, and has like seven percent body fat. Besides all the legendary stuff on Saturday Night Live and movies like Tommy Boy, is there even one video of you working out and telling people way too much information about your personal life as you crush weights and get super agitated? And yes, that would be a great Chris Farley sketch. You’re welcome.  April Fools Day. The one time of year you pretend awful shit happened, scare the crap out of people, say it was all a joke, and it’s all socially acceptable and they have to laugh and it’s their fault they fell for it.
Like most humans, you woke up today and thought, “Oh shit, it’s April first and I haven’t come up with an elaborate scheme to trick someone into shitting his pants and then rescinding the horror at the last second so I can just stand there, superior, and laugh maniacally.” But the sad fact is that even if you did come up with a brilliant prank, it probably would have fallen short. After years of research, the Intergalactic Business Report has determined the number one reason April Fools jokes fail is because they are done with someone you know. But when used on total strangers, the rate of effectiveness increases by something like a million percent. This year, instead of approaching co-workers, family, and friends, try these ten sure-fire jokes on people you don’t know. You’ll be blown away by their reactions before you magnanimously release their fears by shouting “April Fools!” 1. “You called for a repairman? No? Well, they paid me up front so I may as well just come in and fix stuff.” (Go inside and pretend to repair things until it gets really awkward. Then start screaming April Fools!”) 2. “I’m commandeering your car! Get the fuck out! I’m not police. I’m just commandeering it.” (Bring the car back after you round the block. Then let out your gut-relieving April Fools call.) 3. “I would never approach someone I don’t know like this but I’m a doctor and that thing on your face is malignant and I’d like to study it before you die.” (Look concerned. That’s key.) 4. “Oh my god. I think my penis just fell off. Can you help me look for it?” (Try to appear genuinely worried and keep checking your crotch. Nope. It’s not there anymore.) 5. “I’ll pay you five-hundred bucks to take a picture of my butt hole.” (Hold back the “April Fools” till you hear the camera click.) 6. “I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a dude back there who’s been following you for about three blocks. I’m pretty sure he’s gonna kill you so I would fucking run.” (Chase after for a few blocks until your “victim” gets tired. Then yell, “I’m the dude!” Then yell, “April Fools!”) 7. "Hey! Let me out of your trunk! Hey! I’m in your trunk!"(When he opens it, look dead or passed out. Make him revive you before you do the April Fools thing.) 8. "Can I get three extra-large soups and all your waffle fries? Haw. Just kidding. Give me a medium soup. No fries. Small drink." (No need to even say April Fools for this one. You’ve done your job and it should stand alone.) 9. “I’m sorry to disturb you, but as I was getting into my car I noticed some guys attaching a bomb or something to your undercarriage. You probably don’t want to start that thing.” 10. “This is a fucking robbery! Get the fuck down! Everybody empty their fucking pockets and throw the money in this hat!” (Try to bring a really distinctive hat because it makes a huge difference.) |
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