Because we sympathize with the entertainment industry's struggle to make movies that aren’t derived from a comic book, the title of a pop song, or a prequel/sequel/presequel, the Interglactic Business Report has decided to hand them several ideas for origin story movies we strongly feel have serious box office potential. So, Hollywood producers...? You're welcome.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Pretty Woman.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Surprisingly attractive prostitute.
PLOT: Before Vivian became Richard Gere’s hooker with a heart of gold, she was just a hooker.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: The Fugitive.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Richard Kimble has a pretty cool life.
PLOT: Before he became the fugitive, Richard Kimble was a successful doctor with a hot wife and they did stuff together, like they went to functions and took really nice vacations. This movie is about that.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Batman.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Batman, the baby years.
PLOT: Before Bruce Wayne became the Batman, he was a baby. And his parents were super rich. And Alfred was around, but he was more like a nanny.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Get Out.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Chris loves Rose.
PLOT: Before Rose’s family tried to use Chris’s body as a human shell for a rich patron, Rose and Chris had a kind of great relationship. This film focuses on that--before things got bad. Chris and Rose go to restaurants, walk around the city, and talk about their hopes and dreams. Rose doesn’t mention that hers includes turning Chris into a human shell for a rich dude. Never even comes up.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: E.T., the Extraterrestrial.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Elliot, Michael, and Gertie: Average California kids.
PLOT: This movie shows how Elliot and his siblings lived before meeting E.T. They deal with their parents’ divorce and order pizza a lot. But they don’t do anything special. Not till they meet E.T., which doesn’t happen in this movie.
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Apocolypse Now.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Apocolypse not yet: Basic Training.
PLOT: Benjamin Willard had a lot of work to do before he started hunting down Colonel Kurtz in Cambodia. As one of the most average recruits ever in the U.S. Army, it was hard for him to get through basic training. This is that story. (He gets through it.)
ORIGINAL MOVIE: Rain Man.
NEW ORIGIN MOVIE TITLE: Raymond Babbitt watches Wapner.
PLOT: Told from the perspective of “Rain Man,” before he meets his brother Charlie, this movie is mostly about Raymond Babbitt watching episodes of “The People’s Court.”
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.