Tired of hearing New Year’s resolutions about losing weight, being a better person, or other lies? This year, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you nine totally original (and attainable) resolutions that have nothing to do with self-betterment or finding love. Check them out, choose some, and change for real.
This new year, your resolution could be:
RESOLUTION ONE: To wear a sock over your penis.
RESOLUTION TWO: To make socks for people to wear over their penises.
RESOLUTION THREE: To perfect your own grunt that’s not “UNGHHHH,” or “EENNNG!”
RESOLUTION FOUR: To limber up and stretch enough to finally be able to suck your own dick. Then, at the last minute, cocktease yourself, just to know what it feels like.
RESOLUTION FIVE: To make a serious effort to end all your sentences with, “In my butthole.”
RESOLUTION SIX: To finally change your gait so that no one can track you accurately through the snow.
RESOLUTION SEVEN: To have a more entertaining internal monologue, that’s basically you and a pervy older guy talking about surfing all the time.
RESOLUTION EIGHT: To find your old high school girlfriend or boyfriend and convince them you’re a ghost.
RESOLUTION NINE: To become the guy who wears an Elmer Fudd hat in the summer.
Are you a bar owner who needs a signature drink? Or maybe you’re just some dickhead who invites people to his house for a lame party and announces that he has one. It doesn’t matter because the Intergalactic Business Report has you covered.
Not only do we give you the coolest new names for cocktails, but we actually give you the ingredients too. So forget Harvey Wallbangers and start making these five never before tasted drinks:
1. The Maple Boozle. This drink contains two parts maple syrup, one part strawberry schnapps, a shot of whiskey, and an olive. Feel free to top it off with your own vomit, which will come next.
2. The Phil Ratuliak. Have a “Phil” if you’re feeling like the party is dying and you need the courage to take your pants off and start a fight. Fill up a large glass with ice. Add Triple sec, chocolate syrup, and then keep pouring vodka till it spills over. Then drink. Then take your pants off. Then fight.
3. The Penis Flavored Nipple Twister. For this one, just pour any alcohol you want into a large glass. Stir with your penis. Then slowly do it without your hands. Then move your hands to your nipples. Twist. Serve on ice.
4. The Chicago Dog. Fill an empty “Big Gulp” cup with brewer’s yeast, hot dog flavored schnapps, Malort, and Amaretto. Add celery salt if you want.
5. The Philadelphia Horse Shit Super Bowl Special. Designed to taste like Philadelphia’s favorite post super bowl snack, the Horse Shit Special is tomato sauce, anchovies’, warm Budweiser, and lemon juice. Serve through someone’s butt crack.