This October, horror fans are enjoying a new Winnie the Pooh movie in which Pooh Bear and Piglet are nasty killers. Even though we always suspected those two motherfuckers were evil, it was impossible to tell the truth about these grisly creatures until copyright laws ran out. Now, without those silly rules protecting creative content, some fictional characters can be reassessed, reimagined, and re-diculous.
Blood and Honey’s tagline, “this ain’t no bedtime story,” portends the film’s harrowing plot: When Christopher Robin went off to college he left his animal friends Pooh and Piglet to fend for themselves. When he returns home, his former mates have transformed into killer beasts who thirst for blood and revenge.
Pay attention, Hollywood. You too can jump on the terror train and create scary versions of some of society’s most beloved storybook figures. To get you started, the Intergalactic Business Report has compiled five formerly copyright protected franchises you can exploit today. You’re welcome.
Tagline: “All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn’t stop Humpty from killing again.”
Synopsis: Humpty Dumpty has a weight problem. And a murder problem. The subject of ridicule in his small medieval village, Humpty finally has enough when he is placed upon a wall where townspeople hurl garbage and insults at him. When Humpty falls from his perch, he injures his head, making him a homicidal, remorseless, killer.
Anne of Green Gables.
Tagline: “Little Orphan Annie she ain’t…”
Synopsis: Anne of Green Gables is a six-foot-three red-headed killer, who is accidentally released from a cage on a ship carrying her to a penal colony. She murders several passengers, including an orphan boy being adopted by a middle-aged brother and sister who need help running their farm at Green Gables. Anne arrives and pretends to be the orphan she executed earlier.
Her adopters, Marilla and Matthew Cuthbert, had expected a boy and want to send her back. But when they see she can pull a plow and literally do the work of an ox, they decide to keep her. Then the killings begin.
Goofus and Gallant.
Tagline: “Goofus kills people for pleasure. Gallant begs for his life.”
Synopsis: Goofus and Gallant are two brothers with very different views on humanity. Goofus was born evil and is dismissed by his parents and teachers as a bad seed. Gallant is a leader and lauded by the community for his good nature and integrity. Goofus tries to prove his value to society by killing his teachers, neighbors, and parents. Then he captures Gallant and holds him in his basement.
Tagline: “When you wish upon a star… Pray Jiminy Cricket doesn’t hear you.”
Synopsis: Instead of a loveable cartoon cricket, Jiminy is a satanic bug manifested when someone makes a wish on a star. Then he shows up and bores into your brain and eats you from the inside out. He also sings a lot.
Tagline: “Four sisters. 40 funerals.”
Synopsis: Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy have a mother who expects a lot of them. With their father away, they try to support the family through the rough times of the Civil War and find the only profession that pays enough to keep them fed and happy—killing for money. Working as their murder-pimp, Mrs. March tells the girls what to do, think, and who to dismember.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.