After millions* of requests for more penis names we’ve unlocked our secret vault of man meat monikers. Look, choose, and name your member before everyone else starts calling theirs:
Sir Gerald Dickenstein.
Commodore Richard St. Muffstuffer.
The First Earl of Vansexbehaving.
Bernard Lil’ Shank.
Borgag the Slender.
Lothar the Short, but also thick so that’s like being big even though people measure length and not girth, but they should.
*Zero requests, actually, but we ran out of shit to do.
Looking for the next great show that will change the way we all think about and view television? The Intergalactic Business Report offers t.v. producers six totally free ideas they can use to alter small screen entertainment for the next decade. You’re welcome.
IDEA ONE: In the future, only toilets can talk. Humans are silent slaves and must spend their days feeding their toilet masters with poop and pee. But when human Brittany and toilet overlord Toby form a forbidden friendship, the entire social order is in store for upheaval. During their secret, tender talks, Toby reveals that he wishes he had hands and limbs like Brittany, and Brittany shares that she wishes she were a porcelain hole that people shit into, proving that opposites attract. (Note: Live action, not animated.)
IDEA TWO: Get ready for a whole new version of the wild west, as two best pal dogs decide to recreate the shootout at the O.K. Corral using their owners’ guns. With no opposable thumbs or firearms training, this pair of scruffy mutts will be challenged to pull the trigger on fun and your heart.
IDEA THREE: Getting a new roommate can be scary, but when Tex and Louis are made to share a room on a deep sea oil rig, let the terror begin. Tex has anger issues he never resolved and after being kicked out of the French Foreign Legion, he found solace on the distant rig. That solace is in jeopardy however, when loud and crazy Louis invades his personal space and his heart in this zany murder mystery about how Louis is murdered by Tex on their first day as roommates. Who dunn it? Tex.
IDEA FOUR: It’s prom night for Lucy Delavere and she’s prepared to finally give it up to her hunky boyfriend, Edwin St. Lucas. What she doesn’t know is that Ed is a male prostitute who gives it up to anyone for forty-seven dollars (the amount of money his estranged father left him for his sixteenth birthday before abandoning the family). Also, Edwin’s penis is made of ripple ice cream, a curse put on him by a 19th century witch.
IDEA FIVE: Every morning at 5:00 a.m. Marcus Lanfield must collect all the dead cats from the neighborhood and put them in his mentor, Larry Butts’, van. He has a sneaking suspicion that Larry is the one killing the cats, but he has sworn a blood oath to Larry that he will never question or betray him in any way after losing a popashot basketball game to him earlier in the summer. Will Marcus tell his police chief dad what’s going on, or will he continue to hold séances with Larry to bring back the cats?
IDEA SIX: Football is tough. And it’s even tougher when you're a space alien playing on a top high school team and you don’t have human legs. Can spider creature Gorax 6 prevail by “thinking” his way through the championship season coming up for the Golden Cats? Or will he eliminate the senior class by poisoning them with space liquid?
As we enter wedding season, be prepared for someone being dumb enough to allow you to try to speak meaningfully in front of people in rented tuxedos and dresses they’re never going to wear or fit into again after you’ve been drinking all afternoon.
Instead of trying to use your mouth hole to say something original, just use any of these easy to say, short, simple, and never before used wedding toasts that are designed to be recited in any wedding anywhere. Use them now before everyone else does.
TOAST ONE: “Mandy and Jeff… I just want to say that the sex tape you let me make of you changed my life because I had to learn how to hide behind curtains and film at the same time. Now I hide behind curtains all the time and it’s no big deal. Also, you didn’t know I made a sex tape of you. I can see that now by your reactions. So, when I said that you let me make a sex tape of you, that was kind of a lie. Congratulations on being married! When I upload the footage to the internet, I’m going to post something about what a “hot married couple” you are instead of what I had before, which was “skanky hooker goes down on hairy fat dude.”
TOAST TWO: “The union, of Mandy and Jeff, is on the climb… It’s gonna race, it’s gonna break, it’s gonna move up to the borderline…” (Then just sit down and stop talking.)
TOAST THREE: “I know I’m a little drunk, so I thought I’d just play with myself instead of talk because that’s what I’m good at.”
TOAST FOUR: “When Jeff said he was getting married to Mandy, I thought that meant he was gay since Mandy looked like a guy. Then he told me that Mandy wasn’t a guy and I was like, Really? Are you sure? Anyway, congratulations, guys. I mean, congratulations guy and girl.”
TOAST FIVE: “I want to start by saying I’m sorry I told Mandy that I thought Jeff was a male prostitute when I first met him. I just want to clear the air about that. I tried to pay Jeff for sex. Yes, that’s true. But he would not accept money for it. So, sorry about the mixup, Mandy.”