 We're ready to write for Hollywood today. After gifting a scab-written opening monologue masterpiece for people who call themselves “late night hosts” (as if they’re holding an after-hours dinner party where they’d actually invite someone like you), the Intergalactic Business Report was saddened by our response rate of zero.
As the Writers Guild of America votes to approve an agreement, we make a final plea to movie studios to end negotiations and extend the strike so that our group of barely and non-paid writers have a shot at not being paid by them too. To achieve this, we are pitching a number of show trajectories we would gladly write for some of our favorite programs that were being held hostage. Instead of playing catch up, just take our ideas that are steady and ready. It’s not too late. So, here you go. They’re free. We re-write popular shows stuck in production. Suck on this, paid writers. Severance. We flip the show and now it’s about how the writers are severed from writing the show. Similar to Adam Scott’s character, they get super drunk and forget what the fuck they’re doing or why they cared. Silo. The silo is actually a huge toilet. Most of season two is it flushing. Too Hot to Handle. Since the only written material is the robot and the female comic commenting on contestants’ horniness, we just have someone go, “Dammmn” every few minutes. SNL. Obviously, you can’t have any guest hosts because those motherfuckers are going to “stand with the writers” as if they’re all at the Alamo but it’s air-conditioned and the only Mexicans are doing yard work and not attacking them. Anyway… We do a Colin Jost fashion show (no words, just outfits) and then some really unfunny (and non-scripted) in-absentia public trials of republican politicians done entirely by lawyers. Big Sky. Country music star Jason Aldean silently hunts Jenny Hoyt and Beau Arlen. The script is just: FADE IN: Ext. Woods-day. Jason Aldean silently hunts Jenny Hoyt and Beau Arlen. Just to make it all work, they’ve had they’re vocal cords removed, but we don’t know why. They just look like they’re about to say something, then grab their throats in pain, and shake their head, no. Then Aldean shoots at them, and they run. The Drew Barrymore Show. Poor Drew. Who knew she needed writers to have conversations with celebrities about how hard it is to be a celebrity? We help her out by turning her show into an hour-long apology where she just cries and does stream of consciousness sorry saying to the audience. Adam Devine. This is a personal message to Devine, who, because he’s in every single Netflix movie produced, directed, and, of course, written by someone’s cousin or dude who “wants to be a writer and they bought my screenplay!” (we’re just guessing), is suffering most. Hang in there, dude. Remember that a writer can write the line, “What?” But only you can deliver it as “Whhhaaaaaaat?” That’s you taking a word out of the English language and making it your own. Our advice is, during the strike, work on other words, like “Buuuuuuuttttt….” and, “turnip.” Not sure how you’d do that last one but you’re the master. Porky Pig. Never would go on strike. Holding strong and just stuttering like a motherfucker. No re-writes for you, noble swine.  Our rats write for free. Non-union writers, like the ones at the Intergalactic Business Report, reacted to the news of the Writers’ Strike, with a simple question—“There are people who get paid to write?” They followed this with, “Wait a second. They’re complaining about not making how much?” and, also, “the people who write Adam Devine movies aren’t AI?”
As an almost human sacrifice to the entertainment industry, we offer our services, for free, to late-night talk show hosts who no longer can come up with monologues. Below, we give them a show opener that will put them back on top of their games. Take it now before another host breaks the strike with this scabtastic comedy gold. TOTALLY FREE LATE-NIGHT MONOLOGUE (BY THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT): What a great audience here tonight. Give yourselves a round of applause. I haven’t seen that much clapping since my men’s swim team had an orgy and we all contracted syphilis. How about Hurricane Idalia? Are they naming hurricanes after people nobody’s ever heard of? Anyone here ever met an Idalia? You sir? Yeah. O.K. That’s one. So, have you heard about Justice Clarence Thomas taking trips with this Texas billionaire? That’s right, Thomas went on luxury vacations and flew on private jets with Harlan Crow… Who, I’m just guessing, is Jim Crow’s great great grandson. Yeah, that’s right. One of them prevented black people from voting and the other one is getting black supreme court justices to go on luxury vacations with him in his private plane! I guess that’s progress? And, speaking of progress, I like Progresso soup. What else? What else? Oh! GOP leader Mitch McConnell appeared to “freeze” during a press conference. He just stopped talking for maybe twenty seconds, causing onlookers to wonder if he was suffering from a neurological disease. Turns out, McConnell was just fantasizing about porn and got lost in the moment. Yeah, that’s right. Nasty porn where you’re just like (DO THE THING WHERE YOU TAKE YOUR INDEX FINGER AND PLACE IT ON YOUR LIPS AND GO UP AND DOWN AND MAKE A NOISE LIKE YOU’RE UNDER WATER). Wait a second… Where am I? How about the news about the U.S. Space Force? Turns out they put their suppliers on something called a “hot standby,” which I guess is like setting a booty call for when you get back from the bars at 3 a.m., only it’s in space. You three ladies in the front row. I’m putting you on hot standby. Look for me on Uranus after the show. In other news, Proud Boy leader Joe Biggs was sentence to 17 years in prison for seditious conspiracy. After receiving the sentence, Biggs said, “I can’t wait to get raped in prison for whatever that is.” (MAKE HUMPING MOTIONS WITH YOUR BODY). Martha Stewart is in the news again. This time for drinking a cocktail with ice from an actual iceberg. Environmental activists criticized Stewart for being “tone deaf,” to which the 82-year-old Stewart said, “What? I can’t hear you.” Because she’s not only tone deaf, but she has really bad hearing, because she’s like 82 years old. Speaking of celebrities, Selena Gomez recently told Elle Magazine what she looks for in a romantic partner. She said, and I quote, “I mean, you gotta be cool, man…” Gomez is now dating Martha Stewart’s ice cube. Unfortunately, it melted in her vagina on their second date, but, I mean, it made it all the way to the second date, so it had to be pretty damn cool, am I right? Get busy, y’all! (POINT TO THE BAND LEADER AS IF HE KNOWS WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT) We have a great show for you tonight. Luiz Guzman is here! |
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