Halloween is a spooky time and this year we can ad COVID to our list of horrors. How will kids trick-or-treat? How will adults wear skanky costumes that support really bad stereotypes and make everyone regret that this holiday has become an outlet for their sexual frustration?
As per usual, the Intergalactic Business Report has you covered. Below we list the 9 best ideas for celebrating All Hallows’ Eve while still staying safely away from the dangers of the pandemic.
9 BEST COVID HALLOWEEN IDEAS:
1. BE CREATIVE IN HOW YOU DISTANCE.
Put a sign on your front door that says, “Registered Sex Offender Lives Here.” This is a sharp but subtle way to tell trick-or-treaters to keep their distance from you.
2. HAVE FUN AND CLEAN YOUR CANDY.
Take Halloween candy out of their wrappers and clean them with mouthwash or soap before placing them in a sterilized baggy. Zip them up and leave them out on your lawn for the trick-or-treaters to find.
3. DO A DIFFERENT KIND OF ADULT PARTY.
Hold an adult Halloween party where everyone wears leather masks with no breathing holes.
4. SEND CANDY FROM A DISTANCE.
Use a sling shot to safely deliver treats to children who approach your house.
5. BECOME “SCARY RALPH.”
Add to the kids’ Halloween experience by turning yourself into a scary character who stands on the front lawn in his underwear and coughs a lot.
6. TAKE A BREAK FROM YOUR USUAL COSTUME.
Instead of dressing up like a kitty cat and saying things like, “Meo-ooowww,” just don’t.*
7. REVERSE TRICK-OR-TREAT.
Attach small bags of candy to rats and birds and let them deliver the treats throughout the neighborhood.
8. ADD A PHYSICAL ELEMENT TO THE NIGHT.
Distance the children by making them go one at a time up a ladder to your roof, where they must complete an obstacle course in order to get candy. Make it hard because kids need challenges.
9. OFFER COVID-HEALTHY TREATS.
Fill baggies with vitamin D pills and zinc tablets. Then use a sharpie to write “drugs” on the bags. This tells kids and parents that you hand out “drugs” to children (to keep them safe from COVID!).
*This has nothing to do with COVID. Just please stop doing this.
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