With America racing to vaccinate citizens in record numbers, news agencies and health officials have begun to warn us that we better hurry because a slew of “variants” could cause a new Covid surge.
You may have heard of the South African strain and the Brazilian variant. Now the Intergalactic Business Report gives you the other ones coming your way. Beware of:
The Alabama variant:
HOW YOU CATCH IT: Your cousin gives it to you. A lot.
The Florida variant:
SYMPTOMS: Your shirt dissolves and you get sucked into a sinkhole.
The Mafia variant:
SYMPTOMS: You wanna fugget about it but you can’t.
The Canadian variant:
SYMPTOMS: Your face develops a smug look and you can’t stop looking down on Americans. You also can’t stop talking about soaker tubs and your hockey equipment.
The White Claw variant:
SYMPTOMS: You feel like a total pussy but you keep exposing yourself to it anyway.
The German variant:
SYMPTOMS: You try to tell a joke, but nobody laughs because your joke is quoting an eighteenth-century philosopher and then staring at everyone till each of them turns away, uncomfortably.
Your mom variant:
SYMPTOMS: You gain a lot of weight and then have sex with random men.
HOW YOU CATCH IT: You make just enough money to finally let people know you’re a total douche but couldn’t buy anything to prove it before.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.