Thanksgiving comes and goes every year, but are we truly thankful? Like most Americans, you probably take this holiday for granted, even if you feel saintly for putting up with relatives or cooking a meal one time in your existence.
You may even take the time to consider why you’re grateful, but it’s usually just really unoriginal crap like your “family” and “having enough to eat” and “great friends…” But did you know there’s more to give thanks for than the insincere blather that comes out of your mouth hole on the last Thursday of November?
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report profiles what happens on our Thanksgiving in other countries around the world. This year, be thankful you’re not in any of these nations:
CANADA: “Smug, douchey, look down on Americans day.” The only 365 day a year holiday in the world.
WEST COMAN: “Can I see your nuts day.” Anyone can ask anyone to see his nuts. If you don’t, they get cut off.
LOWER ANTILLES ISLANDS: “Get into my music day.” Every November, one friend gets to force you to listen to his crappy music you hate but he can’t understand why and he has a day to convince you it’s good by explaining it to you as you sit through it and wait for midnight and the day to be over so you can reveal your knife and stab him, kind of like in the “Purge,” only it’s totally on your own and illegal.
BROMANI COAST: “Switch holes day.” This holiday is where people talk to your butthole and pretend it’s your mouth. It’s weird. And it gets really bad at dinner.
FLORIDA: “Florida Thanksgiving.” This is like our Thanksgiving only you get eaten by a sinkhole while eating Cheetos and nobody’s wearing a shirt.
UPPER VANDAYA: “Dude, try this day.” Anyone can hand you anything and you need to put it in your mouth.
PRINCIPALITY OF TYSEEN: “Too long handshake day.” Here, people shake hands but don’t let go for a really really long time. It gets super uncomfortable and just when you finish shaking one guy’s hand, another one shows up, extending his arm and looking like he’s trapped you or something, which he has.
EASTERN POTAY ISLAND: “Binge watch this show with me day.” Similar to “Get into my music day,” Eastern Potay Islanders can corner a friend and get him to watch up to 47 episodes of some crap show nobody but he is into. The worst part is that, even though he’s already seen every minute, he watches the whole thing again and stares at you the whole time to see your reaction to every stupid thing that happens. For the first few hours, you force yourself to laugh or say, “Damn!” or, “I didn’t see that coming,” but after a while you just start thinking of a way to murder your friend and leave his house and what you’ll say to the cops when they ask if you’ve seen him lately.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.