This week, the Intergalactic Business Report goes deeper than ever, as we deliver you our rating for the best and worst human beings. Did you make the list?
BEST: Sandy from work, who always seems to know if something’s wrong and makes you little cards to cheer you up.
WORST: Derek, also from work, but who doesn’t work there and just sneaks in at night to take a dump in your filing cabinet.
BEST: John Wendelson, who teaches Kindergarten to special needs students even though his mathematical brain could make him millions in the business world.
WORST: Brenda Beaverson, who has a Kindergarten education and has a special need to have random sex with business men at rates that defy mathematics.
BEST: Your grandmother, who still bakes you cookies and gets you the most thoughtful birthday gifts.
WORST: Your stoner roommate, who gets baked on your birthday and isn’t thoughtful because she doesn’t have thoughts anymore.
BEST: Steve your mailman, who always has a smile and a kind word.
WORST: Brandon your estranged neighbor, who steals your mail and sends it to drug lords in the Philippines with your return address.
BEST: Cindy the nun who’s taken a vow of chastity in order to serve the lord.
WORST: Mindy, your ex-girlfriend, who’s taken a vow of nastity because she’s bored.
BEST: Jeff, from the bookstore, who always has a recommended read for you.
WORST: Gamersauce69 from Xbox live, who keeps sending you messages recommending you kill yourself because you lost to him in a video game.
BEST: That woman who died and everyone says, “She was the greatest person I’ve ever known.”
WORST: That woman who died and everyone is afraid if they say her name three times she’ll reappear and kill them.
BEST: The flight attendant who calms down nervous passengers with his soothing voice.
WORST: Ryan Seacrest.
BEST: “Three cheers” Lisa, who got her nickname by being so positive and celebrating other people.
WORTS: “Three cheese” Tony, whose nickname actually has nothing to do with food.