As we become mired in the summer music festival season, the Intergalactic Business Report rates the best and worst places to go if you want to spend your time kind of hearing music while smelling the body odor of dudes in tank tops while you figure out whether it’s their stench or the alcohol that’s going to make you collapse and forget you were even there.
BEST: Coachella. Plan ahead for the 2020 event as tickets went on sale this June.
WORST: Coach Ella. We recommend skipping this festival run by former women’s volleyball coach Ella Sundberry because it’s basically her and a guitar that she doesn’t really know how to play and she just stares at you like she’s going to eat you or something.
BEST: Pitchfork. In it’s 14th year, Pitchfork will feature 40+ acts in Chicago’s Union Park.
WORST: BitchMork. In it’s 1st year ever, Robin Williams impersonator Jerry Fitzellis plays a bitchy version of Mork from Ork as he guides you through a universe of his favorite Yacht Rock songs that he’s pretty sure Mork would have listened to in 1979 Boulder, Colorado.*
BEST: Lollapalooza. Come to Grant Park in Chicago for the millionth year of this cultural fixture.
WORST: Larry’s pal Louisa. Larry couldn’t play music, so his friend Louisa does for him. And it’s all an interpretation of whatever she believes Larry is thinking. And it sounds kind of like someone screaming for an hour. Mostly because Louisa just screams for about an hour. Oh, and they don’t sell alcohol.
BEST: Glastonbury. Come out to Worthy Farm in the U.K. to see some of the biggest names in music.
WORST: The best of Masterpiece Theatre song festival. This British music fest features your favorite instrumental music from Masterpiece Theatre shows like I Claudius, Jeeves and Wooster, and Blimey, the first intellectual prank show from 1973 in which jokesters use improper grammar in public settings and wait for horrified reactions from their unsuspecting victims.
BEST: Bonnaroo. 150 plus epic performances somewhere in Tennessee.
WORST: Boneroo. Kind of the same only it’s a penis measuring contest with no music whatsoever. It is, however, in rural Tennessee, so there’s that.
BEST: Woodstock 50. Celebrate the 50th anniversary of the iconic music fest in Watkins Glen, NY.
WORST: The real Woodstock 50. This competing festival features dirty hippies who grope you while you take a mud shower.
*We might actually switch this one to the “best” category.