The Intergalactic Business Report has named Phil Ratuliak the human being most like the Coronavirus. This pronouncement was not made lightly and we feel that while other candidates were worthy of being considered as nasty as the pandemic virus that is ruining the year 2020, Phil’s unique qualities distinguish him from others. Below we list the evidence.
1. Like the Coronavirus, Phil Ratuliak makes people afraid of being exposed to him.
2. If you touch Phil Ratuliak, you will feel okay about it for a day or so, but then you’ll realize how much you regret it for the next two weeks.
3. The Coronavirus started through unsafe wet markets in China. Phil Ratuliak started when Randy Ratuliak found Lucy Bonalli’s wet mark senior year in high school. Also extremely unsafe.
4. If you wear a mask you will be protected from Phil recognizing you in a mall and trying to get in your face to ask you questions like, “How you been?” and “So what have you been up to?”
5. While you hope that Phil will eventually just “die out” he seems to keep going and you have to accept that he’s going to be around for probably like a million years or something.
6. Phil Ratuliak can travel through ventilation systems, because he’s an HVAC repair guy.
7. Many people will attest that Phil Ratuliak is the worst thing that’s ever happened to our planet.
8. You may have come in contact with Phil and not even known it. His stank is on you. And you transfer it to every person you meet.
9. When Phil comes into your life you worry about how awful he is until summer and then you just kind of forget he was ever there.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.