Ozark is renewed for a 14 episode final season and fans everywhere are saying, “Hey, wouldn’t it be fun to launder money?” While we can’t legally recommend laundering, we can point out the best and worst ways to do it.
BEST: Buy real estate in ultra-expensive empty buildings. Then just sit on it as it accumulates value.
WORST: Buy precious metals, melt them down, and build a toilet out of them, so no one suspects your toilet is worth 8 Million dollars. Then just sit on it as it accumulates stankiness.
BEST: Open shell companies with offshore bank accounts.
WORST: Sell seashells by the seashore.
BEST: Become a “partner” with someone who has a cash business.
WORST: Give money to homeless people and tell them to bring it back to you once they’ve doubled it.
BEST: Have a “front” like a laundry mat or Chinese restaurant, where you pretend to do legitimate business.
WORST: Make fortune cookies with messages inside asking if anyone has good money-laundering ideas with your phone number on them.
BEST: Open a “Gentleman’s club” and put all the cash earnings in a safe.
WORST: Open a Gentleman’s club and deposit all your money in strippers’ g-strings.
BEST: Make zero interest loans to people but don’t actually give them the money.
WORST: Vaguely “bet on yourself” or “invest in” people. Talk a lot about how you can’t measure the value of a person. Then slowly go broke.
BEST: Have a secret offshore account through which you funnel all your profits.
WORST: Have children.
BEST: Start any business that has to do with concrete.
WORST: Bankroll your son’s band.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.