Worst: 1. Will Smith. Sure, a dinner with Will Smith sounds great, but then, just after the water comes, would also come his advice… And, whatever you do, don’t tell him you want to be an actor, like him, or he’s liable to go off on you about your lack of drive and desire and how you need to start by controlling what you put in your mouth, like that piece of bread the waiter just brought you. Anyway, you get the picture. 2. Dwayne, “the Rock” Johnson. We feel strongly that dinner with Dwayne Johnson would be little more than an all-out enthusiasm contest which you would quickly lose. As your smile breaks and Dwayne sees you’ve weakened, he will surely begin to impart his own sage advice to better living, working, and probably about how all your friends are dragging you down. (He’s right about the last point, of course.) 3. Bob Villa. No explanation needed. Best: 1. Carrot Top. We rank the comedian at the “top” of our carrot, because we feel strongly that any negative interaction with him would be quickly numbed by the constant thought: “Why the fuck am I eating dinner with Carrot Top? How did this happen?” 2. Robert Townsend. Because even if he’s a total dick, who cares? He’s Robert Townsend and you get to eat dinner with him, so shut up. 3. David Copperfield. This counterintuitive choice is based on the idea that anyone who seems to be that big of an asshole must be the opposite. Right? Bonus: Celebrity dinner matchups we’d like to see: 1. Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson and Terry Crews. Finally, a match for Dwayne’s unhealthy, motivational speaker mania. Two men enter, one man leaves early because he has a “thing” he needs to get to. 2. Will Smith and Tony Robbins. There can be only one. 3. “Mur” from Impractical Jokers and Bob Villa. No explanation needed. *Not an actual photo of Will Smith. We don’t use celebrity photos, or photos of anyone’s distinguishable image because, like a primitive but litigious tribe who thinks their souls will be stolen if we actually post a picture of them, people sue if you show them online. Yup. They do. If you are a celebrity, or anyone else, and you want to give us the right to use your image, let us know. We’ll probably use it. Otherwise, we show you fake stuff. Every time you hear a tweenager talk about “roasting” someone, remember that in the 1980’s people straight up burned people. Using our proprietary research engines, The Intergalactic Business report has sifted through thousands of Reagan-era insults to give you the absolute best and worst ones. Best: 1. Party in your mom’s butt. Everybody’s coming. What we love about this classic eighties slam is that it comes in two parts. First there’s the invitation to a party, which is in the putdown victim’s mother’s butt. Then there’s the play on words/double entendre about who’s attending/having an orgasm. 2. Bite the big one. Commanding someone to suck a dick is always a totally awesome rip. But this goes beyond that. It tells the subject to bite, not suck, and not on some small penis, but on one so big it is simply called “the big one” because, presumably, everyone recognizes it as such. Worst: 1. Your mom wears combat boots. Apparently in the eighties it was really embarrassing to wear boots made for combat. And, apparently, it was even worse if you were someone’s mother. 2. Speak into the mic (must be said while pretending to hold a penis in your hand). As in number 2 above, this is yet another dick command/invitation, but in this one the penis is a microphone and no one is asked to actually suck or bite it. Just speak into it. Lame. You think you know women? Actually, you have no idea, because unlike us, you operate from an irrational, unscientific perspective that dooms you to failure with the opposite sex. So, to make your life easier and to artificially make you more attractive, we've compiled the ten best pick up lines of all time. Use them. Don't abuse them. Top ten best pick up lines of all time: 1. Come with me if you want to live. The ultimate pick up line comes from Michael Biehn in the Terminator. This syllogistic masterpiece is beautiful in its simplicity. A clear choice: Come jam with me. Or die. Thanatos and Eros. Sex and death. Who could resist? 2. Here I am, Rock you like a Hurricane. Klaus Mein of the Scorpions brought the world this teutonic panty dropper. It works because it begins with a grand announcement of the speaker’s arrival into the world of his intended. Then it offers the amazing promise of being rocked like a hurricane. 3. Oops, I think I hurt my balls. Can you help me up? We appreciate the set up to this pick up line because it plays on sympathy for an injury connected with sperm producing organs. Who isn’t going to help someone up? And not feel obligated to somehow also check on his balls? 4. Nice snatch! Directness wins in this underrated approach to wooing a mate. It is a compliment on a genital area that is probably unseen at the moment. The subject must ask, “how does he know what my snatch looks like?” The thought following is surely, “Oh, well. He’s complimenting me on it. So who cares?” Cut to a makeout session on the beach. 5. Did you notice me watching you this whole time? Don’t dismiss the stalkerish mastery of this line. Who doesn’t want to be watched? Who doesn’t want to be noticed? It’s a win-win. 6. Oops, I spilled a (Mojito) on my crotch. Can you wash my pants for me? Feel free to substitute any drink for Mojito. 7. Boobies make (your name) go crazy! Surprisingly, this line offers intrigue and connection that works on a deep subconscious level with 98% of human beings. Don’t be embarrassed. Just say it and watch the results. 8. If I were your boss, I’d fire you for giving me a hard-on. This line subconsciously puts the speaker in a position of authority (the boss) and also mentions the word “hard-on.” We think that says it all. 9. (Your name) go poo poo in his pants. Again, it’s a subconscious thing. Just say it. 10. In about ten seconds, this whole place is going to blow. Me. Wanna be first? Answer: Hell yes. |
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