People are people, but when they get old, they become “old” people. All of us have at least one in our lives (for now), and at the holidays we must find ways to make them happy with food, attention, and gifts. Each year, however, this seems harder and harder as old people find it less and less possible to operate anything with buttons, technology, or a screw off top. To help you this year, the Intergalactic Business Report issues its first annual gift guide for your archaic humans.
1. A spoon. Everyone’s gotta eat, right? And this thing makes it easier and is also unassailably recognizable as a useful tool that our cavemen ancestors (and old people) respect and cherish. These also come in lots of colors and sizes. Not too much difference with the shapes, though.
2. Grandpa’s first computer. This device features a 76-inch screen and one button that calls the police.
3. Terrorist sensor. A wand that lights up if a terrorist is nearby. Also when someone delivers groceries to the house.
4. Soup. See number one, above. The two kind of go together and you can wrap then separately and the recipient will be like, “Oh, I wondered when you got me the spoon… I don’t have anything to eat with it. Why’s he giving me a spoon? Now it all makes sense.”
5. Un-numbered, faceless cards. These 52 cards all look the same, which takes the stress out of typical old people games like Pinochle and Bridge. Now your old person can just throw a bunch of cards on the table and choose to either bask in winning or complain about getting shitty cards. Both seem to make them happy.
6. Pre-shredded crackers. You can actually make these yourself by taking a bag of crackers and just pounding on it till it’s just dust. This goes well with numbers 1 and 4.
7. “He’s still alive?” by the makers of Squid Game. This interactive map shows images of famous people you’d think were dead but aren’t. Like Johnny Mathis and Wilford Brimley (whoops). When they perish, the map slowly (or quickly) goes blank.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.