Oh shit. It’s almost Thanksgiving. And if your life on turkey day is a sad cliché where you hate your stupid mother-in-law and fall asleep watching football games, then you better be prepared for dinner table meltdowns with your unyielding, drooling relatives. Before you get into screaming matches about politics or whether an English major turns people into lesbians, relax and use these specially curated responses to almost any altercation that will have you sitting pretty as the tryptophane kicks in.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s experts on intoxicated polemics and amateur social psychology give you the best responses to the most common Thanksgiving arguments:
SITUATION ONE: After you explain that your college major was “general studies” an older male giggles and says something about how that explains a lot.
YOUR COMEBACK: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. (Sigh).
SITUATION TWO: Your mom suggests that you might take a shower the next time you’re having a meal with your family because the odor is really really bad and have you been living under a bridge or something?
YOUR COMEBACK: So, what? Yeah. I’ve been living under a fucking bridge! That’s right. What the fuck else am I gonna do with a general studies degree?
SITUATION THREE: Someone asks what you’re doing there because you weren’t invited and they don’t recognize you.
YOUR COMEBACK: I thought this was Thanksgiving, motherfucker. I thought you were supposed to be THANKFUL. (Lift up your knife, but don’t lunge. Just hold it like you might). Pass the fucking turkey. The WHOLE fucking turkey.
SITUATION FOUR: You think an older relative might be reaching for a knife at the table.
YOUR COMEBACK: FUUUUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! I’LL FUCKING KIIIIILLLL YOU! (Grab your knife again and lunge but try to miss so it’s not like an actual murder or whatever).
SITUATION FIVE: Some motherfucker is looking at you. Yup. He’s staring.
YOUR COMEBACK: Same as in situation four.
SITUATION SIX: Some children at the table slowly get up, watch you as they do it, and then run like hell away from you.
YOUR COMEBACK: That’s right. Get up and run away. Run away from all your PROBLEMS. Great. You’re learning fast, aren’t you?
SITUATION SEVEN: The police are all like, “What are you doing here? You just walked into someone’s Thanksgiving dinner and you’re scaring people,” and, “Do you have any ID?” Also, “Are you that guy who lives under the bridge?”
YOUR COMEBACK: Did you wrap the turkey in bacon, mom? ‘Cause I smell bacon. (Make piggy noises and press on your nose so that it looks like a pig).
SITUATION EIGHT: Somebody behind you screams, “Get the fuck out of here!” as you’re forcibly restrained and led to a cop car.
YOUR COMEBACK: I jizzed all over your bathroom, motherfucker!*
*That’s solid. Note to yourself to use that again in the future.
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