Brussels sprouts. Not “brussel sprouts.” Anyway… You want to know how to cook them? O.K. The Intergalactic Business Report gives you an exclusive look at the very best way to prepare sprouts that will leave you gasping for air because your mouth can’t stop saying, “These are the best brussels sprouts ever!” We walk you through the 49 steps needed to create perfection.
STEP ONE: FIND THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
These could literally be anywhere. Even in the wild, we assume.
STEP TWO: MAKE SURE THEY’RE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
Brussels sprouts are green and kind of look like testicles, like if the Jolly Green Giant had nuts and these were them but smaller.
STEP THREE: JUST TO BE ABSOLUTELY SURE, MAKE SURE AGAIN.
Check them. Do they look like balls? Are they green?
STEP FOUR: EXAMINE YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
You can do this by looking at them.
STEP FIVE: MAKE SURE NONE OF THEM FELL ON THE FLOOR OR ANYTHING.
Sometimes when you pick things up, you drop them. Did you drop any? Check the floor.
STEP SIX: IF SOME OF THEM DID FALL ON THE FLOOR, THEN PICK THEM UP.
STEP SEVEN: IF YOU HAD TO PICK SOME OF THEM UP THEN WASH THEM OFF.
STEP EIGHT: ON YOUR WAY TO WASH THEM OFF, DID YOU DROP THEM AGAIN?
STEP NINE: FIND A WATER SOURCE.
This could be almost anything, like a waterfall or a really large glass of water.
STEP TEN: IF YOU DON’T HAVE A WATER SOURCE, WAIT FOR RAIN.
Check the forecast. Put a bucket outside to collect the rain water.
STEP ELEVEN: PUT THE WATER IN A POT.
STEP TWELVE: HEAT THE WATER.
Most stoves have a knob that you turn to make the stove hot. Turn that knob.
STEP THIRTEEN: THROW SALT IN THERE?
That seems like something you would do.
STEP FOURTEEN: WAIT FOR THE WATER TO BOIL.
This can be tough because you want to eat the brussels sprouts—not wait for them to be cooked.
STEP FIFTEEN: FIND SOMETHING TO DO WHILE THE WATER BOILS.
Probably don’t masturbate because you could burn yourself if you do it near the boiling water.
STEP SIXTEEN: DID YOU FORGET TO PUT THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS IN THE WATER? OH… WE FORGOT TO TELL YOU TO DO THAT.
STEP SEVENTEEN: PUT THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS IN THE BOILING WATER.
STEP EIGHTEEN: LOOK FOR A “TIMING DEVICE.”
While you do this, count numbers in your head so that you know how many seconds the brussels sprouts have been boiling before you use a formal clock to time the boiling.
STEP NINETEEN: SET THE DEVICE FOR TEN MINUTES MINUS THE NUMBER YOU COUNTED IN YOUR HEAD.
STEP TWENTY: FIND SOMETHING TO DO WHILE THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS BOIL.
STEP TWENTY-ONE: DON’T MASTURBATE. (SEE ABOVE).
STEP TWENTY-TWO: STIR THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
Do this with a spoon or something. Don’t use your fingers or face or hands.
STEP TWENTY-THREE: STIR THEM AGAIN.
STEP TWENTY-FOUR: STIR THEM AGAIN, WE GUESS.
STEP TWENTY-FIVE: TURN OFF THE STOVE WHEN YOUR TIMING DEVICE RINGS.
STEP-TWENTY-SIX: LOOK AT YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
Again, do this by looking at them.
STEP TWENTY-SEVEN: FIND A COLANDER TO DRAIN YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
A colander is like a bowl with holes in it that you probably tried to eat soup out of at some point and were like, “Why the fuck did they put holes in this?” This is why.
STEP TWENTY-EIGHT: PUT THE COLANDER IN THE SINK.
STEP TWENTY-NINE: FIND AN OVEN MIT SO YOU WON’T BURN YOUR HANDS WHEN YOU GRAB THE POT TO DRAIN YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
STEP THIRTY: PUT THE OVEN MIT(S) ON YOUR HAND(S).
STEP THIRTY-ONE: WITH YOUR OVEN MITS ON, APPROACH THE STOVE.
STEP THIRTY-TWO: GRAB THE POT.
STEP THIRTY-THREE: CARRY THE POT TO THE SINK WHERE YOUR COLANDER IS.
STEP THIRTY-FOUR: SLOWLY POUR THE POT OVER THE COLANDER.
Turn your wrists to do this. You’ll notice the pot tipping over. Don’t worry. As long as you don’t let go, the pot will stay in your hands.
STEP THIRTY-FIVE: FINISH POURING THE POT OVER THE COLANDER.
STEP THIRTY-SIX: LOOK AT THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS, JUST SITTING THERE, IN THE COLANDER.
STEP THIRTY-SEVEN: FIND A DISH OR CONTAINER TO PUT YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS IN.
STEP THIRTY-EIGHT: YOU CAN’T FIND A DISH OR CONTAINER?
STEP THIRTY-NINE: THAT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. YOU COOKED ALL THESE BRUSSELS SPROUTS AND NOW THEY’RE JUST SITTING THERE IN THE SINK.
STEP FORTY: LOOK AGAIN FOR A DISH OR CONTAINER.
STEP FORTY-ONE: SERIOUSLY? YOU CAN’T FIND ANYTHING?
STEP FORTY-TWO: YOU FUCKING SUCK. EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING TO PUT FOOD INTO. HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE ANYTHING?
STEP FORTY-THREE: TAKE THE COLANDER FULL OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS AND THROW IT IN THE FUCKING GARBAGE.
STEP FORTY-FOUR: THINK ABOUT WHAT A TOTAL DICK YOU ARE AND HOW YOU DON’T DESERVE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
STEP FORTY-FIVE: JESUS. DID YOU ACTUALLY THROW AWAY ALL THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS?
You could have just eaten them out of the colander or something.
STEP FORTY-SIX: IT WAS STUPID FOR US TO TRY TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DO THIS.
We regret it. It was an idea we had, but now it looks pretty apparent that you’re too fucking stupid to cook brussels sprouts.
STEP FORTY-SEVEN: FIND SOME SPAGHETTIOS. EAT THAT SHIT. TRY NOT TO FUCK IT UP.
STEP FORTY-EIGHT: THAT WAS MEAN. SORRY.
In retrospect, we kind of share blame for this. You for being so fucking stupid and us for believing you weren’t so fucking stupid and could handle this.
STEP FORTY-NINE: THAT WAS MEAN TOO.
It’s not your fault at all. You can’t help how fucking stupid you are.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.