With the spike in COVID-19 cases around the country, many of our holiday plans have changed from large family gatherings to just you. In the wake of this, the Intergalactic Business Report is providing eleven super fun things you can do on your own to celebrate. These are so great you may even decide to have Thanksgiving alone every year!
ELEVEN THINGS TO DO ALONE THIS THANKSGIVING:
1. Finally figure out how to felate yourself.
You’ve talked about it. You said if you could you do it, you’d never leave the house. But when’s the last time you really tried? We mean, really really tried? And now you can’t leave the house anyway.
2. We tried to think of something else, but we kept going back to the thing about trying to suck your own dick.
So we guess that’s only one thing you can do this Thanksgiving.
3. We promised eleven things. But that’s not going to happen.
So maybe start stretching or something so you can try to do the first thing on our list.
4. A note about item number one.
When we look up the word, “felate” in the dictionary, it’s not there. So feel free to change that word to “suck your own dick.”
5. When we said “eleven” things that was pretty ambitious.
Now we’re thinking that was stupid. Note to ourselves: When you write an article where you list a bunch of things, you should probably have more than one idea on that list.
6. Please refer to number one.
Go back and read it again. Thank you.
7. We made it to number seven.
Not bad considering we only had one idea of what to do by yourself on Thanksgiving and that idea was to give yourself a blowjob.
8. Since we control this writing, we may just go back and make the title, “8 things you can do if you’re having Thanksgiving alone this year.”
But since we already made it to eight, there are only a few left and we feel like we can pull it out.
9. If you’re still reading this you haven’t figured out how to felate yourself yet.
Right? Or are you waiting till you’re done with this article and then you’re going to have at it?
10. Do you even know anyone who’s been able to suck his own dick?
Seriously? You should call him and ask him how he did it.
11. O.K. So, that’s the other thing you can do.
Call your friend who says he figured out how to suck his own dick.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.