Non-union writers, like the ones at the Intergalactic Business Report, reacted to the news of the Writers’ Strike, with a simple question—“There are people who get paid to write?” They followed this with, “Wait a second. They’re complaining about not making how much?” and, also, “the people who write Adam Devine movies aren’t AI?”
As an almost human sacrifice to the entertainment industry, we offer our services, for free, to late-night talk show hosts who no longer can come up with monologues. Below, we give them a show opener that will put them back on top of their games. Take it now before another host breaks the strike with this scabtastic comedy gold.
TOTALLY FREE LATE-NIGHT MONOLOGUE (BY THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT):
What a great audience here tonight. Give yourselves a round of applause.
I haven’t seen that much clapping since my men’s swim team had an orgy and we all contracted syphilis.
How about Hurricane Idalia? Are they naming hurricanes after people nobody’s ever heard of? Anyone here ever met an Idalia? You sir? Yeah. O.K. That’s one.
So, have you heard about Justice Clarence Thomas taking trips with this Texas billionaire? That’s right, Thomas went on luxury vacations and flew on private jets with Harlan Crow… Who, I’m just guessing, is Jim Crow’s great great grandson. Yeah, that’s right. One of them prevented black people from voting and the other one is getting black supreme court justices to go on luxury vacations with him in his private plane! I guess that’s progress?
And, speaking of progress, I like Progresso soup.
What else? What else? Oh! GOP leader Mitch McConnell appeared to “freeze” during a press conference. He just stopped talking for maybe twenty seconds, causing onlookers to wonder if he was suffering from a neurological disease. Turns out, McConnell was just fantasizing about porn and got lost in the moment. Yeah, that’s right. Nasty porn where you’re just like (DO THE THING WHERE YOU TAKE YOUR INDEX FINGER AND PLACE IT ON YOUR LIPS AND GO UP AND DOWN AND MAKE A NOISE LIKE YOU’RE UNDER WATER). Wait a second… Where am I?
How about the news about the U.S. Space Force? Turns out they put their suppliers on something called a “hot standby,” which I guess is like setting a booty call for when you get back from the bars at 3 a.m., only it’s in space. You three ladies in the front row. I’m putting you on hot standby. Look for me on Uranus after the show.
In other news, Proud Boy leader Joe Biggs was sentence to 17 years in prison for seditious conspiracy. After receiving the sentence, Biggs said, “I can’t wait to get raped in prison for whatever that is.”
(MAKE HUMPING MOTIONS WITH YOUR BODY).
Martha Stewart is in the news again. This time for drinking a cocktail with ice from an actual iceberg. Environmental activists criticized Stewart for being “tone deaf,” to which the 82-year-old Stewart said, “What? I can’t hear you.” Because she’s not only tone deaf, but she has really bad hearing, because she’s like 82 years old.
Speaking of celebrities, Selena Gomez recently told Elle Magazine what she looks for in a romantic partner. She said, and I quote, “I mean, you gotta be cool, man…” Gomez is now dating Martha Stewart’s ice cube. Unfortunately, it melted in her vagina on their second date, but, I mean, it made it all the way to the second date, so it had to be pretty damn cool, am I right? Get busy, y’all!
(POINT TO THE BAND LEADER AS IF HE KNOWS WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT)
We have a great show for you tonight. Luiz Guzman is here!
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.