Have a job but hate what people call it? Wish you did something for a living others respected or at least that sounded cool? Once again, the Intergalactic Business Report improves your life instantly by giving you, for free, totally new and unused names for common professions. Use them, don’t abuse them, and please don’t snooze them, because pretty soon everyone will be calling themselves these:
CURRENT TITLE: Grocery store cashier.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Dude who touches your food and says shit like, “Woah. Looks like we’re gonna have some steak tonight and get really really drunk. What time should I come over?”
CURRENT TITLE: Doctor.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who went to medical school just so he could have a legitimate reason to touch people and put his fingers up people's asses all the time.
CURRENT TITLE: Janitor.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Vomit/seamen sweeper.
CURRENT TITLE: Sales manager.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: High school dropout.
CURRENT TITLE: Auto mechanic.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who shows you your dirty air filter like you’re supposed to know what the fuck that means and you pay him for a new air filter because what the fuck.
CURRENT TITLE: Vice President.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Awesome suit, what the fuck do you do?
CURRENT TITLE: Engineer.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Nerd who doesn’t drive trains and kills your interest in talking to him because you thought he did when he said he was an engineer and now you have nothing to say to him because you don’t give a shit about engineers who don’t drive trains.
CURRENT TITLE: Coach.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Child mind fuck specialist.
CURRENT TITLE: Director of Marketing.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Guy who makes up words and nods his head at meetings.
CURRENT TITLE: Social media manager.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Youngest person in the office.
CURRENT TITLE: Pharmacist.
NEW, BETTER TITLE: Confusing fake doctor who looks at you like he shouldn’t be giving you drugs because you just handed him a note that says “Please give this man drugs. Signed Doctor Feelgood.”
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.