Tired of hearing New Year’s resolutions about losing weight, being a better person, or other lies? This year, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you nine totally original (and attainable) resolutions that have nothing to do with self-betterment or finding love. Check them out, choose some, and change for real.
This new year, your resolution could be:
RESOLUTION ONE: To wear a sock over your penis.
RESOLUTION TWO: To make socks for people to wear over their penises.
RESOLUTION THREE: To perfect your own grunt that’s not “UNGHHHH,” or “EENNNG!”
RESOLUTION FOUR: To limber up and stretch enough to finally be able to suck your own dick. Then, at the last minute, cocktease yourself, just to know what it feels like.
RESOLUTION FIVE: To make a serious effort to end all your sentences with, “In my butthole.”
RESOLUTION SIX: To finally change your gait so that no one can track you accurately through the snow.
RESOLUTION SEVEN: To have a more entertaining internal monologue, that’s basically you and a pervy older guy talking about surfing all the time.
RESOLUTION EIGHT: To find your old high school girlfriend or boyfriend and convince them you’re a ghost.
RESOLUTION NINE: To become the guy who wears an Elmer Fudd hat in the summer.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.