Just when you thought “Dry January” was the most miserable thing society could do to people starting another year of disappointment, pain, and lowered expectations, humans have come up with Veganuary, which adds a new restriction to your life—not eating meat.
As this grueling, meatless, hoochless month comes to a dismal close, the Intergalactic Business Report offers misery traffickers new ways to completely fuck up January 2024. Pay attention self-flagellates, next year’s hairshirts are up for grabs below:
1. No shit January. Hold it in for a month to build appreciation for bowel movements.
2. Vaginuary. Women are not allowed to “use” their vaginas for the entire month.
3. Janiceuary. Difficult, bitchy, and totally unreasonable, Janice Drankowski makes all the rules in a month dedicated to fulfilling her slightest wishes and whims—mostly tasks like sending her money and listening to her screaming about your bad service. Also, because she can’t use her vagina (see above) she’s especially angry.
4. Live under a bridge January. To participate, you need to live under a bridge for a month and battle homeless gangs for a spot near the fire and the first hit on the crack pipe.
5. Tattoomyfaceuary. Show respect and love for people with face tattoos by getting an unalterable face tattoo. Then try to hold a job in February.
6. Shutyourmouthuary. Take a vow of silence as you pile on even more challenges in what is now the most horrible month of the year. As you freeze under a bridge (see above), indenture yourself to a sadist (see above), scare children with your face (see above), and nearly shit your pants (see above), you can’t talk about it.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.