Don’t underestimate the total apocalypse your work rivals will face when you brand the shit out of yourself – personally. Up for a promotion? Fuck that other guy by going with a cool nickname to endear yourself to the boss and every other office fool who engages you daily.
Intense research, aided by our proprietary computer program, has generated four nicknames that are not used by anyone in the world… Until you make use of them tomorrow when you announce yourself as:
1. The Schniz. Believe it or not, this nickname is not to be used because your full name is Schnizowski or Schnizzelstein. Instead, this name suggests a back story that no one quite understands but will probably laugh about, like an idiot who doesn’t know why he’s laughing. When people ask you why they call you “the Schniz,” you just tell them: “well, it has to do with me getting fucked by a sausage. But it’s a long story!”
2. Lil’ Grover. Like the muppet, only smaller. That’s you now.
3. Big Banana Jammer. Like a banana jammer, only much larger.
4. Schpuck. It’s not taken. That’s all we can say about this one.
5. The Mellon Reamer. The “melon reamer” is actually taken by a guy name Paul Jaworski in Dixon Minnesota. But if you add another “l” to “mellon” it’s like a whole new nickname. Your welcome.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.