Whether it’s cavemen, a mentally slow man with an ostrich, or group home roomies Flo, Jamie, and Mara, one thing is for sure—insurance companies think customers want to buy their products from intellectually challenged misfits, pervy porn-stachioed nitwits, and pre-civilization poo-flingers. We couldn’t agree more.
For some time, editors at the Intergalactic Business Report have felt that nothing makes more sense than to trust the security of your home, auto, and life with people who look like they may struggle with the concept of eating a sandwich. Although we commend insurance companies on creating lovable cretins who also sell bundled policies, we feel there is much more room to grow.
As a gift to the industry, we now present exclusive creative for any company pondering a new ad campaign. Like nazis opening the lost ark, don’t turn away from these totally free insurance mascot concepts. Grab them now before someone else makes a claim.
There are two things Homeless John lives for—highly addictive drugs and selling insurance. When you sign up with his company you have to wonder whether your money is going to protect your family or if it will just go up John’s nose or in his arm but John is super pushy and you kind of feel like you just need to give him what he wants, especially when he shows up on the subway and announces that he doesn’t need to ask but he’s just being polite.
Autistic, OCD In-sur-rain man can give you an instant quote on anything. As potential customers approach him with insurance questions, he won’t make eye contact, but he will say, “Yeah… That’ll save you $437 a month if you bundle your home and auto. Definitely $437 dollars. Big savings. Big savings…” Then it’s time for Wapner.
Booger Eater the troll.
Booger eater is just a simple troll who also loves to sell insurance. He’ll crawl out from under his bridge, eat a couple boogers, and then talk about how he can comparison shop insurance rates for you.
Can’t read or write Silvia.
This lovable illiterate can hand you insurance papers to sign but has no idea what’s on them. Why can’t she? Because she loved selling insurance so much she left school after Kindergarten. Her tagline? “You don’t need to know how to read or write to save on your home, life, and auto.”
Brandon the chimp.
What do you wish you had just as you realize a chimpanzee is about to rip your face off? Probably some kind of “face armor” that could prevent a monkey attack. But besides that, you probably wish you had life insurance.
Henry portrait of an insurance salesman.
Michael Rooker reprises his role of 1980’s psychopath Henry, but this time, he sells insurance. If you thought “mayhem” was bad, wait till you find out what Henry will do if you don’t buy from him. As Rooker breaks into a home and watches people sleeping, he explains life insurance policies. Then, he moves to the garage to talk about auto. As he drags tied up bodies into the yard, he makes a super funny joke about “bundling” your coverage.
This hilarious misfit escaped a leper colony so he can sell you insurance. Be careful not to touch him! After consumers hear Larry’s pitch, are ready to sign, and reach in for the handshake, Larry whips his hand back and a few fingers fly off. Then he says, “And when you switch to (YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY) you’ll get rates so good it’ll feel like you narrowly avoided getting leprosy.”
John Wayne Gacy.
Sure he’s dead, and we can no longer get the actual John Wayne Gacy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t reprise his serial killer clown character to sell your insurance. Mixing the fear of death and doom with comedy is where insurance ads thrive. And check out his funny as hell tagline: “Don’t clown around with insurance companies. You could get buried under unnecessary premiums and my deck.”
Too much? We don’t think so, because we all know the guy from Liberty Mutual would murder you the second you were alone with him. And his Emu would help bury your body.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.