Whether you see them on license plates or in a tourism ad, U.S. states like their own taglines. The Intergalactic Business Report addresses you, the states, directly, and empathizes about how hard it must be to refresh and renew these precious emblems of your identity year after year. To aid you in this never-ending task, we’ve given you totally new and original taglines, free of charge. You’re welcome. If you’re not on the list, be patient. We’ll get to you soon.
For now, please bask in the relevance of these perfectly appointed representations of everything you are.
Florida: We’re Retireded
Ohio: Where the shit you saw on the internet happened.
Illinois: One big cornfield and a Crime zone.
Michigan: Not Canada, but we’d probably join those guys if they asked.
Wisconsin: Drunk snowmobiling capital of the world. Bonus: Hot turdz ‘n cheese curdz
Iowa: You don’t want to be from here.
Kentucky: Our cousins are hot.
Indiana: Not Ohio. Not Illinois. Just meh. Bonus: Where average is Einstein.
Tennessee: Playin' our fiddles and fiddlin' with our dicks.
New Jersey: Looking pretty normal till one of us opens our mouth. Bonus: No one does a circle jerk like we do.
North Carolina: Trying not to act like rednecks, but lookit my truck.
South Carolina: Get lost here, we’ll buttfuck you.
Mississippi: Not as racist as Alabama.
Alabama: Not as racist as Mississippi.
West Virginia: The punchline to all jokes about illiteracy and incest. Bonus: county after beautiful county of cousin fuckers.
Arkansas: We try but arkant.
Oklahoma: Trying to figure out why anyone lives here.
Kansas: Famous for tornadoes and…
California: Beautiful like a crazy girl on fire.
Nevada: Can someone please give us some water?
Vermont: Freezing our tits off and pouring maple syrup on them.
Arizona: Temps so high we don’t have dicks anymore.
Texas: Living here made Mike Judge write Idiocracy.
Colorado: Ask me if I’m high.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.