Are you a politician? Do you have trouble articulating your views? Do you not have any views to articulate in the first place? We can help.
We try to never get involved with politics, but that’s probably because we’re not Hitler. Still, the Intergalactic Business Report is committed to its mission of offering totally free creative counsel to our readers and today we give you political messaging ideas no one else is using. Grab them now before everyone else gets elected president.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: “I’m kind of sort of into stuff that will help people (probably).”
CONCEPT: Here you boast a non-committal plan that doesn’t say you won’t help people by suggesting you’re not against that, which is good, right?
POLITICAL MESSAGE: “I will suck your dick if you elect me.”
CONCEPT: This gets to the heart of why voters vote. They are waiting and hoping for a politician to offer felatio in return for their support. You can be the first person to bring this to the table and connect with voters on a dick-to-mouth level.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: You talk about how you’re super into anything confrontational or that makes people uncomfortable, especially mentally and physically.
CONCEPT: This messaging idea is mostly where you scream at people and tell them if you get elected you’ll force everyone to wear nipple and penis clamps. Very popular with a small group of people. Very unpopular with everyone else. But you need to have a base and this could be yours.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: “Free food if I’m elected, but not the really good kind.”
CONCEPT: You offer totally non-priced edibles, but because there is no cost to the electorate, the food can’t be very good. But it’s O.K. Like what you’d eat if you were really hungry, which is fine. But not something you’d choose to eat if someone said, "Hey, what are you in the mood for tonight?" In that case, it would not be this.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: Sound like a hardline group but you’re really the opposite.
CONCEPT: In this one, you call yourself something like the Nationalist Wolfpack Order, but you believe our currency should be changed into hugs.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: The “I just shit my pants” message.
CONCEPT: If anyone asks you difficult questions about your party platform, you say, “I just shit my pants.” This seriously works every time.
POLITICAL MESSAGE: Asking voters to join you in your fake fantasy realm where they will be royalty.
CONCEPT: Kind of speaks for itself. They vote for you and they become “Prince Bagginstuff of Neverbeenlaid.” You get to be president.
POLITICAL PLATFORM IDEA: “My dick is bigger than yours. Or much bigger, in the case that you don’t have a dick at all.”
CONCEPT: The last part of the message shows your acknowledgement of women voters. Good job.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.