Up for grabs: stereotypical lottery prizes and incentives to get vaccinated by state. Illinois through Mississippi.
After offering several states awesome ideas for stereotypical vaccine lottery prizes, the Intergalactic Business Report continues its list of totally free concepts for the states of Illinois through Mississippi.
State governments, feel free to use these. You’re welcome.
Illinois: You get fucked by a Kielbasa. Not for everyone.
Indiana: A “Flowers for Algernon” themed prize features a special brain hormone injection that transforms you into just above legally mentally incapable of caring for yourself, making you the “Einstein of Indiana.”
Iowa: Your meat gets packed.
Kansas: Free hypnosis to make you think for a few minutes that you’re not living in the middle of nowhere in a place nobody ever thinks about and that your life is the equivalent of a single white butt cheek, alone and half-assed.
Kentucky: A racehorse carries you to your cousin’s house to see your estranged children who think you’re their crazy drunk uncle.
Louisiana: Four week courses in elocution and enunciation so that humans outside Louisiana can decipher what the fuck you just said.
Maine: Three minutes alone with a Lobster, no questions asked, no judgments made, no charges pressed.
Maryland: Weekend “the Wire” experience where you get a burner phone but are disillusioned by the system that created the vaccine lottery because it’s ineffective and corrupt.
Massachusetts: Free speech therapy to help you pronounce words.
Michigan: An overweight militia man kills you because you got vaccinated.
Minnesota: Hey der! Super! You betcha! (That’s all you get.)
Mississippi: Same as Maine (above) only with a muskrat.
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.