When we heard that West Virginia was offering shotguns to people who get vaccinated, we immediately thought, Yeah, it’s West Virginia. They’d do that. Then we decided to offer, free of charge, incentive ideas for every state.
State governments, feel free to use these. You’re welcome.
Vaccine incentives: Alabama-Idaho.
Alabama: Free cousin fucking lessons.
Alaska: A snow mobile that kills animals with built in guns and protruding blades (also has a flatbed for forbidden sex between dudes stuck in a cabin together for six months at a mining camp).
Arizona: Golfcarts that can take your body straight to a funeral home when you’re finally ready.
Arkansas: Corn cob pipes that make you want to fuck your cousins.
California: A blow job from that girl/guy in that late 90’s Cinemax movie where they didn’t show blow jobs.
Colorado: A talking bong that says really laid-back sounding shit belying a deep sense of entitlement and rage.
Connecticut: 30,000 off your child’s first week of prep school.
Delaware: A five-dollar bill, because that’s what you give people when you know nothing about them but you need to give them a gift but not a big one—maybe just five bucks or something?
Florida: A ladder to escape from your sinkhole and a vial of crack for when you get out.
Georgia: A coupon that gives you a one-time chance to fuck your sister.
Hawaii: You live in Hawaii. What the fuck else do you want? A trip to Hawaii?
Idaho: A spot at the underground doomsday colony (you need to bring a woman to repopulate and a shit load of water or it’s invalid).
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.