Up for grabs: ways to start a speech.

Nervous about a speech you’re giving? Relax. The Intergalactic Business Report has you covered. This week, we give you, for free, seven ways to open your next talk. Grab these quickly, before everyone else gets up to their podiums and starts using:
 
1. The “jokey” opening.
“They say you should always start a speech with a joke. Well, I think this audience is a joke. Ha ha. Just joking.”
 
2. The “get personal with your audience immediately” opening.
“Has anyone seen my bottle of salad dressing? I know one of you motherfuckers took it. I bring my own fucking salad dressing to these things because the dressing they give you fucking sucks! And whoever took my bottle of salad dressing knows that too. And he probably forgot to bring his bottle of salad dressing and saw mine just sitting there and took it. Wait. Did I say ‘he’? I take that back. I know it was a woman, because no bro would do me like that, right bros? Will you please acknowledge me? What the fuck is wrong with you people?”
 
3. The “get their attention with a riveting story” opening.
“Four years ago, I was sitting at the edge of a bed in my master’s dungeon, just wondering if I’d done enough to please him or if he’d return later and tighten my nipple clamps.”
 
4. The “appeal to where you are” opening.
“It’s so great to be here in Tampa. Tampa’s a great city. Sounds like Tampon though. I guess it must be that time of the month every day here. Am I right?”
 
5. The “involve the audience” opening.
“My wife asked me this morning if I was going to jump off the stage and attack someone from the audience again. I laughed and said, ‘It just depends if anyone’s being a little bitch or not.’”
 
6. The “quiz the audience to get them thinking” opening.
“O.K. I’ve got a little quiz for you. Who do you think has the biggest cock here? Is it me? Why thank you.”
 
7. The “make it personal” opening.
“I have a list of people who signed up for this seminar. Hold on. Let me see… Derek Ruben? Are you here? What are you named after a sandwich or something? Derek Ruben… What a stupid fucking name… O.K. let’s see who else is on here… Heather Musgrave? Are you here? Wow… Are you named after road kill? Who’s next?”