As we enter wedding season, be prepared for someone being dumb enough to allow you to try to speak meaningfully in front of people in rented tuxedos and dresses they’re never going to wear or fit into again after you’ve been drinking all afternoon.
Instead of trying to use your mouth hole to say something original, just use any of these easy to say, short, simple, and never before used wedding toasts that are designed to be recited in any wedding anywhere. Use them now before everyone else does.
TOAST ONE: “Mandy and Jeff… I just want to say that the sex tape you let me make of you changed my life because I had to learn how to hide behind curtains and film at the same time. Now I hide behind curtains all the time and it’s no big deal. Also, you didn’t know I made a sex tape of you. I can see that now by your reactions. So, when I said that you let me make a sex tape of you, that was kind of a lie. Congratulations on being married! When I upload the footage to the internet, I’m going to post something about what a “hot married couple” you are instead of what I had before, which was “skanky hooker goes down on hairy fat dude.”
TOAST TWO: “The union, of Mandy and Jeff, is on the climb… It’s gonna race, it’s gonna break, it’s gonna move up to the borderline…” (Then just sit down and stop talking.)
TOAST THREE: “I know I’m a little drunk, so I thought I’d just play with myself instead of talk because that’s what I’m good at.”
TOAST FOUR: “When Jeff said he was getting married to Mandy, I thought that meant he was gay since Mandy looked like a guy. Then he told me that Mandy wasn’t a guy and I was like, Really? Are you sure? Anyway, congratulations, guys. I mean, congratulations guy and girl.”
TOAST FIVE: “I want to start by saying I’m sorry I told Mandy that I thought Jeff was a male prostitute when I first met him. I just want to clear the air about that. I tried to pay Jeff for sex. Yes, that’s true. But he would not accept money for it. So, sorry about the mixup, Mandy.”
We name it. You grab it. Stop thinking so much.